MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

+1 this family is doomed

Just stop. OP and her husband have no problem with mother stopping by. They simply asked that she let them know she’s coming over. But MIL is pouting and mad that she has to do that and is refusing. So I guess she really doesn’t need to use the bathroom that badly.

Exactly. She’s either hiding something or stubbornly fixated. Maybe she’s been belligerent about other things too?

Maybe she has set up her own spyware on OP and DH. Muhahabaha!

I’m solidly on Team OP and DH. No drop ins without a heads up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

+1

MIL views herself as a partner in OP's marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

+1

MIL views herself as a partner in OP's marriage.

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the troll repeatedly posting:

Please get help. You're using DCUM as an unhealthy coping mechanism, which may feel gratifying to you at the moment but it isn't helping you solve your problems or result in long-term changes in your self-image so that you feel better about yourself.

If you're in therapy, then tell your therapist what your doing here on DCUM so your therapist can help you set up a better plan to help you cope with your issues and/or change your meds. If you're not already in therapy, then get into is stat.

From your writing style, it seems like you're young, perhaps in your teens. You should talk to your parents. Hopefully they will want to help you. If they aren't interested, then please reach out to a teacher or your school counselor.

Who are you talking to? OP or someone replying? I’ve always found it interesting when people think they know a poster and draw the conclusion that person who replied or posted X is the same person who replied or posted Y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs both have our door code, even though they do not live local per se. My parents live 8 hours away and have the code but would only use it if DH and I were still at work when they arrived, or when we drove to a restaurant or something separately and they arrived back first. MIL lives about 1.5 hours away and same deal…or so we thought.

A few months ago we changed our code after having two different families watch our house/bring in packages/feed our cat (the cat sadly died a few months ago so we do not have one now). We trust these friends but also thought to change the code after there was a break in a few houses down, just being careful. A few vendors have also occasionally gotten the code so we thought let’s change it.

Anyway, we’re out of town this weekend. MIL called yesterday furious because she “stopped by” even though she knows well and good we are out this weekend, and was mad that we changed the code without telling her. Turns out that because we live close to a few stores she likes and a Trader Joe’s, she’s taken it upon herself to let herself into our house to go to the bathroom and “take a break before driving home” on some of her shopping excursions, without ever asking or telling us. She’s also stopped by before while we were home, but always called first.

I cannot believe she’s been in our home when we were at work or out of town and didn’t know. DH is confused and pissed. So am I! He told her straight up she will not be getting the new code unless she has a specific reason to have it and we know exactly when she’ll be using it. Unbelievable.

Such chutzpah!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

+1

MIL views herself as a partner in OP's marriage.

Apparently, there are "three in this marriage"!

[Anonymous]

12 pages?!?! Classic DCUM!

Totally w/ you OP. Huge violation of your privacy and trust to come and go from your house without letting you know.

[Anonymous]

Especially since that was not discussed nor the understanding.

We have a key to my widowed mothers house and visit to chat or stop by or check on her. But that was HER idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:. MIL called yesterday furious because she “stopped by” even though she knows well and good we are out this weekend, and was mad that we changed the code without telling her. Turns out that because we live close to a few stores she likes and a Trader Joe’s, she’s taken it upon herself to let herself into our house to go to the bathroom and “take a break before driving home” on some of her shopping excursions, without ever asking or telling us. She’s also stopped by before while we were home, but always called first.

WTF? The woman doesn't have boundaries? She's been coming to other people's house without letting them know?? What else is she doing in your house? Snooping around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

or like mine and goes through every single personal item she has time to get her hands on. I've seen neighbors do the same.

I can't imagine giving my key or key code to anyone else.

There was an older couple in my neighborhood when I bought my first house who expected everyone to give them keys because they "looked out for everyone". When I moved in, they gave me a tour of a neighbor's house who was on vacation. They went into her house many times during that week. Yes, I told on them once I met that neighbor. Everyone trusted them and gave them their keys except for a few of us. They never stole anything that I know of but I know they snooped and told me gossip they gleaned when they would go in the neighbor's houses. They went through bills and saw one neighbors kid was getting counselling.

Once neighbors insisted on giving me a key to their house. I'm trustworthy and never would consider going in to someone's house unless they told me to. I'm pretty certain they were hoping I would do the same. Nope. Within a few months I gave it back and told them there was no reason to have the key. The truth is you have no way of knowing who will be appropriate and who will take advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.

100%. If she had apologized and backed down and explained that she really relies on stopping by to use the restroom or take a break before driving again, maybe she could earn some grace. But her being mad at you and DH is beyond and shows you that you are right not to give her the new code. She brought this on herself. She could have asked first, or told you that she stopped by, or been contrite about the violation. These are appropriate consequences.

The fact that she is mad means she feels like she was caught. She knows what she was doing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

NP. You are nuts. She never told them she’s been going into their house while they were out. Way, way, way over the line.[/quote]


+1. And sounds like she's a snoop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible daughter in law

Aren't you hilarious Aunt Snooper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

or like mine and goes through every single personal item she has time to get her hands on. I've seen neighbors do the same.

I can't imagine giving my key or key code to anyone else.

There was an older couple in my neighborhood when I bought my first house who expected everyone to give them keys because they "looked out for everyone". When I moved in, they gave me a tour of a neighbor's house who was on vacation. They went into her house many times during that week. Yes, I told on them once I met that neighbor. Everyone trusted them and gave them their keys except for a few of us. They never stole anything that I know of but I know they snooped and told me gossip they gleaned when they would go in the neighbor's houses. They went through bills and saw one neighbors kid was getting counselling.

Once neighbors insisted on giving me a key to their house. I'm trustworthy and never would consider going in to someone's house unless they told me to. I'm pretty certain they were hoping I would do the same. Nope. Within a few months I gave it back and told them there was no reason to have the key. The truth is you have no way of knowing who will be appropriate and who will take advantage.

Wow, that is beyond! What did your neighbors do/say when you told them the other neighbors gave you a house tour and went in their house several times when they were gone?

[Anonymous]

She has demonstrated clearly that she will prioritize her own emotional comfort over your authority over your home and belongings. She knew you might not be comfortable with it, which is why she kept it a secret.

It doesn’t matter if it is objectively normal and fine to go into a family member’s home or not. She KNEW you wouldn’t be okay with this. She KNEW it would cross a boundary for you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have needed to sneak and hide.