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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]At the end of the day, what’s the point of the rope in the first place? You either want to hold out a rope for your aging parents/in-laws, or you want to let go and let them drop to their death. If the latter doesn’t bother you, then drop the rope or don’t bother picking it up in the first place. Just don’t act surprised if the same thing happens to you when your time comes.[/quote]

It can be complicated. Caregiving is a challenge if someone makes it clear that they never cared for you. My parents were from the generation that deference was the guiding principle when it came to ILs. But their parents also made attempts to get along with their children's spouses, even if they may not have been initially thrilled with the match.

I try to follow suit with my ILs, who are vastly different than my own family - much more affluent, many more expectations on standards, different religions, etc. But my ILs have always made it clear that I was welcomed from the start. My parents are already deceased and I try to bring those insights into helping my ILs as they now face some aging challenges. I think my ILs realized that and appreciate it.

I also recognize that I am modeling this behavior for my children and hope they will do similarly with their kids some day.

But on another note, I think there is a gendered aspect to the rope. Women carry out so much uncompensated labor just to keep their families and communities together. When husbands expect their wives to do so without nary an acknowledgement, that truly grates. It can also do so when the MiL/SiL blames the wife for failing to carry out these acts when it is technically in DH's camp. My SiL doesn't criticize DH here when there are perceived shortcomings, she directs it to me or criticizes me to our young adult children. I don't think she sees the rope as really one that can and does move into two directions, but only towards her as I will always be on the outside of the family circle. [/quote]

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