Why do some men get married early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think marrying late is a DC phenomena. I feel bad for people in their 40’s who have young children. It’s a great feeling to have an empty nest before you even hit 50.

Great point.

It's also tons of being able to keep up with my teenage kids as we shoot hoops or do anything athletic. Both kids will be out of the house before I turn 47.

Wouldn't change it AT ALL.

Sure, missed out on some happy hours and trips in our late 20s and 30s. But the pay-off in the 40s was totally worth it

I am jealous of this, wish we had kids just a few years earlier.

Yeah, PP here who shoots hoops with his teenage kids.

But I should be honest. There really was a trade-off. We had kids earlier in our career (mid 20s,), so we weren't making as much and money was tight. And there was a feeling sometimes of "missing out". We would see our childless friends go on couples trips that we had to decline because we either couldn't afford it (2 kids in diapers, amirite?), or couldn't find someone to watch 2 kids under 3 for 5 days.

It really is a trade-off, and there's no "right answer". I'm sure the people that wait until their late 30s really value those memories of their childless 20s and early 30s.

But now, as my kids are teens, and I'm only in my mid 40s, it's really great. But I won't act like it wasn't tough being the only family where the parents were 26 & 27, and trying to go a toddler music class in Bethesda, and everyone else was 10+ years older than us

This is the most reasonable post on the whole thread. Pros and cons to both, clearly

Yeah I feel this. We were 26/31 when we became parents, and we struggled mightily with finances (though we had tremendous family support, so we never suffered...we just worried and didn't accumulate wealth until later) and with making same-age/stage connections. It was physically easy being a young parent, and now that our kid is a young teen, we are very solid in our careers, saving at an excellent clip, living a life that is very nice, and enjoying not having to turn away from our careers to do the stuff you have to do when you have toddlers or kids in daycare.

We can envision a really fulfilling empty nest lifestyle in our late 40s and we are optimistic that we will be able to support our kid as a young adult with their own family (if they choose to have one), both with time and money. If we'd had kids at 38 or 40, I'm sure there would have been tremendous advantages to that too, but there would have been multiple flip-side drawbacks.

The grass is always greener. Or, you could reframe and realize you're just doing the best you can with what you have and if you're educated and employed and healthy, you're better off if you just make a good life at whatever stage you're in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boys got married at 28 and 26. It had nothing to do with age. They fell in love. They were ready. Neither one of them cared about partying or sleeping around by that age. They were ready to settle down. My Daughters-in-law are so great for them. Why would they have waited? They knew a good thing when they had it.

The bolded statement bothers me. The attitude of a woman needing to be “good for” a man both infantilizes men by making it seem like they NEED some one to help them through life and degrades women by making it seem like their job is to “support” their men.

This is in contrast to a man and woman coming together as individuals that support each other.

Your daughters in law do not exist for your sons. They are their own people. Your language here makes it seem like you may give this idea lip service, but deep down, you think they are supposed to just support your sons, not be their own people.

Maybe you just chose your words poorly, but that is how I am reading it right now.

They are good for each other. The topic of the thread specifically mentions men. I guess I thought that was obvious.

You need to read The Four Agreements.

Already did when I was in college 20+ years ago.

It is an old book. ISn’t the first agreement to be honorable with your words or something like that?

Like I said, maybe your language isn’t in agreement with your actual ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some successful, handsome, charismatic guys getting hitched mid-late 20's. Why do this when you can easily wait another 10 years while living the fun single life and will probably be even more attractive to women by your mid-late 30's?

I am late to this thread, but I think how you have framed this question is telling. You think being single is "fun" and being married I guess isn't.

I got married at 25, my wife was 22. I knew very well that my dating "stock" would continue to rise at least into my thirties but that obviously wasn't what I was thinking about. I loved my wife and wanted to get married. I have no regrets. I did the college thing. I had been in a couple of long term serious relationships. I knew enough to know that my wife and I were a good match. We have traveled the world together. We have wonderful kids. We have both been successful in our careers, and we have done it all together.

What would I trade that away for? Dating absolutely had its moments, and I certainly get the appeal of the prospect of more variety, etc, but there was also so much BS and wasted energy. I can't imagine giving up what I have had just for the chance to roll the dice a few dozen more times.

There will always be the possibility of something a little bit better out there I suppose, but an inability to recognize when you have something special is ultimately self destructive.

This is where the thread should end. So well said.

Pretending to be a husband and sockpuppeting.

I am the PP above that got married at 25. I am most assuredly actually a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally,
1. Religious

2. From a fairly conservative culture.


3. Military.

4. Related to 1 and 2, but gay and afraid to come out.


Also anecdotally, there's no real difference in the quality of husbands between those that married in their 20s vs those who married closer to 40. If there's a difference it's in the quality of what they are able to give their children, finances and waiting for better career positions, is the main reason the people I know who maybe married at 20 something waited until 30s to have kids.

As for dating, the majority of my late 30s+ friends male and female aren't having trouble dating and finding quality people. The few who are having problems have issues that are not age related.

I would say this is more true for early 20s. Mid-late 20s is fairly typical for even educated, middle upper class, non religious people. I would not assume a 28y/o man getting married is doing so for the reasons you listed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally,
1. Religious

2. From a fairly conservative culture.


3. Military.

4. Related to 1 and 2, but gay and afraid to come out.


Also anecdotally, there's no real difference in the quality of husbands between those that married in their 20s vs those who married closer to 40. If there's a difference it's in the quality of what they are able to give their children, finances and waiting for better career positions, is the main reason the people I know who maybe married at 20 something waited until 30s to have kids.

As for dating, the majority of my late 30s+ friends male and female aren't having trouble dating and finding quality people. The few who are having problems have issues that are not age related.

I would say this is more true for early 20s. Mid-late 20s is fairly typical for even educated, middle upper class, non religious people. I would not assume a 28y/o man getting married is doing so for the reasons you listed.

+1. OP asked, specifically, about men in their mid-late 20s. At these ages, these men are not fresh out of HS and new to sex and dating. Also, waiting a decade would mean they are getting married in their mid-late 30s, not at 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because some men, at 24/25/26, find the idea of settling down with a partner they love in a committed relationship to be a really attractive way to live.

Kind of how some other men feel like dating around and living the single life is a really attractive way to live.

Kind of like how some people like pizza and other people hate pizza but like sushi, and others don't really have an opinion about either, and others dislike or like both.

People like different things. CHRIST!

+1

THIS.

DH had some friends who couldn't get laid, so they were pretty jealous of DH's life. Not DH's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some successful, handsome, charismatic guys getting hitched mid-late 20's. Why do this when you can easily wait another 10 years while living the fun single life and will probably be even more attractive to women by your mid-late 30's?

That’s common throughout most of the country and world.

Personal, place, timing.

If American he had the balls to trust himself that this was The Woman for him. Not one of those wushu washy types who propose to whomever they happen to be dating when they are 30 yo.

Why do people struggle so much to understand that a loving happy marriage can be the preferred choice for a man, when compared to the fun single life? both can be great. But its not crazy to think that some men prefer a family life.

+1. I know there’s this opinion out there that all men want to date around and party as long as they can, but I genuinely haven’t found this to be true. There are men like this but I don’t really understand the attitude that all men are dragged into family life. Personally, I know many men that, by mid to late 20s, were very ready to settle down and were tired of swiping and going out to bars. It’s nice to have someone you love to come home to, both women and men feel this way.

Yep totally agree PP.

+1
It works for some people, and that is okay. It's not about you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think some people find what works early, and some people never find what works, and settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best ones get snapped up quickly.

I agree with this. No, you don’t have to be married at 22 and I think there are serious downsides to getting married too early for many people, but if you wait until mid 30s to find a suitable partner you will have a harder time finding someone who shares your values. This applies to people who value marriage, children, and building a life together.

Yup, this! The dating pool doesn't look so good once you hit mid 30's.

Probably there is a dip between 35-45 when most people are in their first marriage, and it opens up after that.

Yes usually, but then those people (men and women) have the baggage of a ex-spouse and kids. My sister is adamant about not dealing with an ex-wife, or parenting step kids, so her dating pool is small. She has good reason due to difficulty with a stalking ex-wife in her past.

+1

Yeah, no thanks - don't need someone else's (and their ex's too!) baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they don’t want to end up like my ExBF who lost me because he wouldn’t commit. Now he’s with a poor approximation of me and full of regret. Worked out great for me though! My DH is phenomenal.

My ex did this too. I hope he regrets it too. What an idiot.

+1

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best men and women get married in their 20's - early 30's. Any guy who's still single at 35 almost always has major issues.

OP, you sound like a guy who wasn't desirable in HS or college, and now you're hoping that the smaller dating pool when you're older makes you more desirable.

This is bullshit.

+1. Better question: Why are women who got married young so damn smug? You walked down an aisle and married some young guy with little or no dating experience. You didn’t cure cancer.

I’m not smug about it but both my husband and I had a lot of dating and relationship experience even though we married at 25.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because some men, at 24/25/26, find the idea of settling down with a partner they love in a committed relationship to be a really attractive way to live.

Kind of how some other men feel like dating around and living the single life is a really attractive way to live.

Kind of like how some people like pizza and other people hate pizza but like sushi, and others don't really have an opinion about either, and others dislike or like both.

People like different things. CHRIST!

+1

THIS.

DH had some friends who couldn't get laid, so they were pretty jealous of DH's life. Not DH's problem.

They definitely weren't jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally,
1. Religious

2. From a fairly conservative culture.


3. Military.

4. Related to 1 and 2, but gay and afraid to come out.


Also anecdotally, there's no real difference in the quality of husbands between those that married in their 20s vs those who married closer to 40. If there's a difference it's in the quality of what they are able to give their children, finances and waiting for better career positions, is the main reason the people I know who maybe married at 20 something waited until 30s to have kids.

NP. Agreed. I think a 27 year old man looking to get married at 29 will have better options than a 37 year old man looking to get married at 39.

As for dating, the majority of my late 30s+ friends male and female aren't having trouble dating and finding quality people. The few who are having problems have issues that are not age related.

I would say this is more true for early 20s. Mid-late 20s is fairly typical for even educated, middle upper class, non religious people. I would not assume a 28y/o man getting married is doing so for the reasons you listed.

+1. OP asked, specifically, about men in their mid-late 20s. At these ages, these men are not fresh out of HS and new to sex and dating. Also, waiting a decade would mean they are getting married in their mid-late 30s, not at 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they don’t want to end up like my ExBF who lost me because he wouldn’t commit. Now he’s with a poor approximation of me and full of regret. Worked out great for me though! My DH is phenomenal.

My ex did this too. I hope he regrets it too. What an idiot.

+1

Yup.

Your exes made the right decision by not marrying you 3 ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience religious or religious and gay.

You are forgetting military. I’m from a military family. One of my brothers and over half of my male cousins were married by 25. All were active duty at the time. I think they see their buddies get married and then they have a wife to handle stuff and they get more pay.

Military is another one. Also in my experience " townies". I'm prepared for a bunch of posts telling me they met there DH while living abroad and they travel all the time, and that's great for you but the guys I know who married young never left their hometown may have gone to college but usually it was a local school landed decent jobs but weren't overly ambitious.

Not sure what you mean, but some people who are born in raised in one place are not "townies". Some are, but others are well traveled, etc.