Can cheating be justified?

[Anonymous]

I'm not ok with the person I believe I am in a monogamous sexual relationship with starting to sleep with another person or people without my knowledge. I have a right to control how much risk I want to expose myself to sexually, and no intelligent person would assume that someone who cares more about his own sexual gratification than the health and welfare of his spouse should be trusted to make good decisions.

Add to that the fact that the affair partner also has questionable morals, and seriously.... do the two cheaters really believe that they only lie to their respective spouses, never each other? Please.

I say this as a divorced female who caught her husband cheating after going in to the gyn for treatment of what I assumed was a terrible yeast infection, only to learn it was chlamydia. I don't know if the ex got it from his secretary or if there were others, but yeah.

Also.... clearly we weren't in a sexless marriage since he gave me the STD he picked up from who knows where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Doesn't a divorce steal away far more time and resources from the family then having sex which is free?

1. Sex is never free in the context of adultery. It's not a victimless crime. The cheater is injecting deception into the marriage, exposing their spouse to STDs, and usually complicit in the destruction of a second marriage (when affair partner is also married). And before you start withe excuses about how terrible the betrayed spouse must be in the first place to cause the cheater to cheat..... THAT IS NOT A VALID EXCUSE. If your marriage is so bad that you want to do something that will inflict severe emotional pain on them, get a divorce.

2. Divorce in these situations is typically initiated by the betrayed spouse precisely because they have determined that the marriage is no longer a healthy, safe environment for them. They chose take the financial hit and reduced access to their kids as the price for escaping an abusive situation.

The reason more women initiate divorces is for this reason specifically. If there was a survey why did you actually get divorced that was not enforceable in court or given to the other spouse, this would come out better in America's divorce numbers. Now people just say more wives initiate divorce. Yeah because their husbands aren't faithful and are abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

This. The hysteria over STDs on this board assumes every AP is purchased off of Ashley Madison or the nearest street corner.

Just heard a talk on NPR about the huge spike urgent cares are seeing in STIs. The numbers are very significant. And, they are seeing a lot of syphilis which used to be very seldom. Boomers are also coming in with big rates.

The nurse at urgent care said what’s disturbing is they will say “you need to notify your partner” and they will say things like “I don’t know them met on snap, etc”

The homosexual community has an STD rate of about 70% I'm sure the heterosexual cheating or single community is not that far behind.

[Anonymous]

I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

This. The hysteria over STDs on this board assumes every AP is purchased off of Ashley Madison or the nearest street corner.

Just heard a talk on NPR about the huge spike urgent cares are seeing in STIs. The numbers are very significant. And, they are seeing a lot of syphilis which used to be very seldom. Boomers are also coming in with big rates.

The nurse at urgent care said what’s disturbing is they will say “you need to notify your partner” and they will say things like “I don’t know them met on snap, etc”

The homosexual community has an STD rate of about 70% I'm sure the heterosexual cheating or single community is not that far behind.

Especially when you read the messages on this board and see so many women saying they later found out their husbands were cheating with men. That is why it so frickin' stupid for these people to think 'married people are safe. i don't need a condom'. Sex Ed 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not ok with the person I believe I am in a monogamous sexual relationship with starting to sleep with another person or people without my knowledge. I have a right to control how much risk I want to expose myself to sexually, and no intelligent person would assume that someone who cares more about his own sexual gratification than the health and welfare of his spouse should be trusted to make good decisions.

Add to that the fact that the affair partner also has questionable morals, and seriously.... do the two cheaters really believe that they only lie to their respective spouses, never each other? Please.

I say this as a divorced female who caught her husband cheating after going in to the gyn for treatment of what I assumed was a terrible yeast infection, only to learn it was chlamydia. I don't know if the ex got it from his secretary or if there were others, but yeah.

Also.... clearly we weren't in a sexless marriage since he gave me the STD he picked up from who knows where.

Oh god. So sorry. But, yeah, two cheaters lie to everyone, each other included. And, those risk taking types engage in risk taking behavior. Many are also sex addicts and non-discriminating. Or, their spouse is off cheating and now they caught that, gave it to their AP who now gave it to their spouse. I really have ZERO tolerance for anyone that does this to a partner who believes they are in a monogamous relationship. It really is criminal behavior in my eyes, fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

I agree with this speaking from experience. It is soul-splitting in a way that is hard to describe and that disqualifies you from future full relationships because the self-knowledge really doesn’t go away. When people are taught not to do it they are seldom or never taught exactly why—what the inward consequences are.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

It doesn't justify cheating though. If you cheat just know that's what you're doing and live with it. Stop trying to get the world to justify it for you. You've already justified it to yourself. There are ways to separate without divorcing as well. We are all responsible for our own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

I agree with this speaking from experience. It is soul-splitting in a way that is hard to describe and that disqualifies you from future full relationships because the self-knowledge really doesn’t go away. When people are taught not to do it they are seldom or never taught exactly why—what the inward consequences are.

Interesting. I cheated and it didn't have a soul-crushing impact. It definitely caused some turmoil at the time but otherwise its just sex and I had plenty of it before I met spouse. Half the population has cheated and I don't think they all suffer from some personality abnormality.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. 88.8% of divorces in the US involve infidelity. I didn't realize it was that high. Guess if you choose to cheat, don't expect to stay in your marriage. https://www.thehivelaw.com/blog/divorce-statistics-us-divorce-rate-in-america/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. 88.8% of divorces in the US involve infidelity. I didn't realize it was that high. Guess if you choose to cheat, don't expect to stay in your marriage. https://www.thehivelaw.com/blog/divorce-statistics-us-divorce-rate-in-america/

I think the infidelity is the final common pathway/symptom for a lot of marriages that have already failed on other grounds and that is why the number is so high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

I agree with this speaking from experience. It is soul-splitting in a way that is hard to describe and that disqualifies you from future full relationships because the self-knowledge really doesn’t go away. When people are taught not to do it they are seldom or never taught exactly why—what the inward consequences are.

Interesting. I cheated and it didn't have a soul-crushing impact. It definitely caused some turmoil at the time but otherwise its just sex and I had plenty of it before I met spouse. Half the population has cheated and I don't think they all suffer from some personality abnormality.

Probably that is because you lack a soul in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not ok with the person I believe I am in a monogamous sexual relationship with starting to sleep with another person or people without my knowledge. I have a right to control how much risk I want to expose myself to sexually, and no intelligent person would assume that someone who cares more about his own sexual gratification than the health and welfare of his spouse should be trusted to make good decisions.

Add to that the fact that the affair partner also has questionable morals, and seriously.... do the two cheaters really believe that they only lie to their respective spouses, never each other? Please.

I say this as a divorced female who caught her husband cheating after going in to the gyn for treatment of what I assumed was a terrible yeast infection, only to learn it was chlamydia. I don't know if the ex got it from his secretary or if there were others, but yeah.

Also.... clearly we weren't in a sexless marriage since he gave me the STD he picked up from who knows where.

I agree with the bold. I have a right to negotiate how much sexual risk I want to take on - what kind of birth control I use, what kind of STI protection we will use, and degree of monogamy. Just like stealthing is a violation of the mutually negotiated exposure to pregnancy and STI risk, infidelity is a form of stealth with respect to mutually negotiated STI risk.

It was a huge betrayal to find out that my husband had been sleeping with prostitutes while I was in my 6th month of pregnancy with our first child, had an oral herpes outbreak after engaging with prostitutes, had been prescribed medication for it but continued to sleep with me without disclosing the monogamy violations. Thankfully, I didn’t get herpes, but the whole thing was a huge betrayal trauma because a close friend lost a baby in the 8th month due to anencephaly caused by herpes.

It is my right to control under what circumstances others can access my body sexually. Someone who cheats is asserting their right to make those decisions for me. Totally unacceptable under any circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. 88.8% of divorces in the US involve infidelity. I didn't realize it was that high. Guess if you choose to cheat, don't expect to stay in your marriage. https://www.thehivelaw.com/blog/divorce-statistics-us-divorce-rate-in-america/

I think the infidelity is the final common pathway/symptom for a lot of marriages that have already failed on other grounds and that is why the number is so high.

+1 This.