Can cheating be justified?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think there are a lot of instances where it is justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

It doesn't justify cheating though. If you cheat just know that's what you're doing and live with it. Stop trying to get the world to justify it for you. You've already justified it to yourself. There are ways to separate without divorcing as well. We are all responsible for our own decisions.

I have been there. This is the justification that many use - it is better to stay with a bad partner in order to protect the kids. But, the reality is that the best way to help the kids is to divorce and insure that they have a healthy, safe, positive atmosphere at least 50% of the time. In this way they can learn what normal is and can create a healthy life for the self.

If you stay with the abuser, the odds are high that the child grows up normalizing a lot of abusive behavior which then then replicate in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I think there are a lot of instances where it is justified.

Disagree. Leaving the marriage or working on it with specialists can be justified, not cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are a lot of reasons why people can't get divorced. The "just get divorced" trope is a bit ridiculous when there is very little that pushes a judge to not grant 50/50 custody if the other parent desires. When you are in a miserable marriage with someone who is addicted, depressed, verbally abusive, or whatever, it is hard to contemplate leaving your child with this person half of the time.

That being said, no it is not justified. From personal experience, cheating takes away part of your soul. You are left more empty after the "relationship" than before.

I understand why people cheat and don't judge but I can't justify it because it destroys everyone, including the cheater, no matter how poor a marriage is.

It doesn't justify cheating though. If you cheat just know that's what you're doing and live with it. Stop trying to get the world to justify it for you. You've already justified it to yourself. There are ways to separate without divorcing as well. We are all responsible for our own decisions.

I have been there. This is the justification that many use - it is better to stay with a bad partner in order to protect the kids. But, the reality is that the best way to help the kids is to divorce and insure that they have a healthy, safe, positive atmosphere at least 50% of the time. In this way they can learn what normal is and can create a healthy life for the self.

If you stay with the abuser, the odds are high that the child grows up normalizing a lot of abusive behavior which then then replicate in future relationships.

They need to do more studies on this. I'm curious if this is always or often true or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. 88.8% of divorces in the US involve infidelity. I didn't realize it was that high. Guess if you choose to cheat, don't expect to stay in your marriage. https://www.thehivelaw.com/blog/divorce-statistics-us-divorce-rate-in-america/

I think the infidelity is the final common pathway/symptom for a lot of marriages that have already failed on other grounds and that is why the number is so high.

+1 This.

So these people have self sabotaging behavior? Seems a bit off that they cause harm to themselves as a result of marriage failure. Most infidelity is due to narcissistic behaviors, so most often it's not thinking about the other person. It's thinking about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not ok with the person I believe I am in a monogamous sexual relationship with starting to sleep with another person or people without my knowledge. I have a right to control how much risk I want to expose myself to sexually, and no intelligent person would assume that someone who cares more about his own sexual gratification than the health and welfare of his spouse should be trusted to make good decisions.

Add to that the fact that the affair partner also has questionable morals, and seriously.... do the two cheaters really believe that they only lie to their respective spouses, never each other? Please.

I say this as a divorced female who caught her husband cheating after going in to the gyn for treatment of what I assumed was a terrible yeast infection, only to learn it was chlamydia. I don't know if the ex got it from his secretary or if there were others, but yeah.

Also.... clearly we weren't in a sexless marriage since he gave me the STD he picked up from who knows where.

I agree with the bold. I have a right to negotiate how much sexual risk I want to take on - what kind of birth control I use, what kind of STI protection we will use, and degree of monogamy. Just like stealthing is a violation of the mutually negotiated exposure to pregnancy and STI risk, infidelity is a form of stealth with respect to mutually negotiated STI risk.

It was a huge betrayal to find out that my husband had been sleeping with prostitutes while I was in my 6th month of pregnancy with our first child, had an oral herpes outbreak after engaging with prostitutes, had been prescribed medication for it but continued to sleep with me without disclosing the monogamy violations. Thankfully, I didn’t get herpes, but the whole thing was a huge betrayal trauma because a close friend lost a baby in the 8th month due to anencephaly caused by herpes.

It is my right to control under what circumstances others can access my body sexually. Someone who cheats is asserting their right to make those decisions for me. Totally unacceptable under any circumstances.

Omg, I am so sorry for what your husband put you through during your pregnancy. Jus can’t believe that he didn’t think about the potential impact to you and the baby. Are you still with him since you mention my husband in your post? How are you able to reconcile staying with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like when your spouse is a vegetable in assisted care home?

I think this is probably the most extreme situation. You're not cheating if your spouse isn't a conscious, functioning human.
But I was going to say I have heard about husbands and wives finding lovers while their existing spouse goes through the final stages of terminal illness, sometimes with the blessing of that unwell spouse. Nigella Lawson did it and publicly admitted it - but that's the UK where "cheating" isn't such a damnable offense as it is here.

That was our situation but it wasn't cheating as she insisted on it for me. It wasn't even DADT. She always k ew and was happy for me. I've never known the depths love could go to until then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

Much less so than sexually active single people for sure. I'll take my chances with a sexually deprived housewife over a sinhle woman most any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

Much less so than sexually active single people for sure. I'll take my chances with a sexually deprived housewife over a sinhle woman most any day.

It doesn't work the same way with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I think there are a lot of instances where it is justified.

Disagree. Leaving the marriage or working on it with specialists can be justified, not cheating.

It really depends. There are some life circumstances in which divorce won't work. Marriage is not all about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. 88.8% of divorces in the US involve infidelity. I didn't realize it was that high. Guess if you choose to cheat, don't expect to stay in your marriage. https://www.thehivelaw.com/blog/divorce-statistics-us-divorce-rate-in-america/

I think the infidelity is the final common pathway/symptom for a lot of marriages that have already failed on other grounds and that is why the number is so high.

+1 This.

So these people have self sabotaging behavior? Seems a bit off that they cause harm to themselves as a result of marriage failure. Most infidelity is due to narcissistic behaviors, so most often it's not thinking about the other person. It's thinking about themselves.

Most infidelity is NOT due to narcissitic behavior. In fact, it is the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Really? Where are you getting your information that people who commit infidelity have the opposite of narcissistic traits?

https://www.insider.com/narcissism-makes-more-likely-to-be-unfaithful-2018-7

[Anonymous]

Board-certified behavior analyst Carmen McGuinness says that narcissists are more likely to have a greater desire for casual sex and to engage in sex without emotional attachment. In a piece for Mind Body Green, she explains that narcissists are also more likely to have poor communication skills and have a harder time coping with problems in their lives.

Being unable to constructively discuss and solve problems can certainly put pressure on a relationship.

Similarly, if one partner tends to separate emotions and physical intimacy, it may be easier for that person to rationalize sex outside of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I cheat because I’m not happy with sex once a month with my so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think?

Specifically thinking about situations with abuse (physical or not), addiction, a "loveless marriage," things of that nature.

Would an emotional affair be better or worse than a physical relationship?

Genuinely just curious what you all think!

Explained, understood, perhaps warranted, but not justified. Justification means you are trying to blame another for what you have done.