Can cheating be justified?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend with three children who has been separated from her husband for two years and he refuses to get a divorce. He has substance abuse problems and been in and out of rehab, has a difficult time holding a job and has had to have restraining orders laid on him. It’s a mess. If she “cheated” on him tomorrow I’d have no problem with it.

You know that the husband’s permission is not required foe divorce - not in any state in the US? Your friend can file for divorce without having to cheat her wy out of the marriage.

Frankly, if she did cheat, it would only make a complicated and dramatic situation even worse.

I say this as a spouse who left a cheating, alcoholic mentally ill spouse who lost his job twice during our relationship. I would have been fully entitled to cheat, in a tit for tat sense of ethics, but I recognized it was ethically wrong and would only complicate my situation.

Cheating is never justified. It’s also not a helpful or effective way out. Try individual therapy instead of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Every single excuse can be effectively countered with " then get a divorce."

Some people might try to counter with "but the kids, the expense, the health insurance, blah blah blah...." what that means is that they aren't unhappy enough in their marriage to actually do anything about it, but they are passive aggressive enough to lie to their spouse, gaslight them, expose them to STDds, and steal time and resources away from the family for the affair.

They may be able to live with themselves, but they are still shitty people.

Doesn't a divorce steal away far more time and resources from the family then having sex which is free?

[Anonymous]

Doesn't a divorce steal away far more time and resources from the family then having sex which is free?

1. Sex is never free in the context of adultery. It's not a victimless crime. The cheater is injecting deception into the marriage, exposing their spouse to STDs, and usually complicit in the destruction of a second marriage (when affair partner is also married). And before you start withe excuses about how terrible the betrayed spouse must be in the first place to cause the cheater to cheat..... THAT IS NOT A VALID EXCUSE. If your marriage is so bad that you want to do something that will inflict severe emotional pain on them, get a divorce.

2. Divorce in these situations is typically initiated by the betrayed spouse precisely because they have determined that the marriage is no longer a healthy, safe environment for them. They chose take the financial hit and reduced access to their kids as the price for escaping an abusive situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an emotional affair for years and I'll be the first to admit it was absolutely worse than anything physical I could have done. I know every couple and affair is different but in my situation and many others, absolutely yes the emotional affair is worse than physical.

Talk to me about this. How long did it go on and how did it remain emotional but not sexual? It seems so limiting that your spouse has to be the only person you confide in or depend on emotionally. Makes marriage seem like such an isolating thing, which I guess it truly is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an emotional affair for years and I'll be the first to admit it was absolutely worse than anything physical I could have done. I know every couple and affair is different but in my situation and many others, absolutely yes the emotional affair is worse than physical.

Talk to me about this. How long did it go on and how did it remain emotional but not sexual? It seems so limiting that your spouse has to be the only person you confide in or depend on emotionally. Makes marriage seem like such an isolating thing, which I guess it truly is.

Confiding in someone emotionally is not the same as an emotional affair. I would think the emotional affair is more when you tell each other you love each other. I confide emotionally in friends of both sexes, but if I tell them I love them it’s in a friend way and not a romantic way if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to sleep with your ex as long as he is still with his AP.

I was an AP at one point and would have to agree with this. Never was jealous over the spouse. They were married. Different if he leaves her but still I get how it could happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s only cheating if you tel your spouse about it or develop feelings for the other person.

Is this a joke?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to sleep with your ex as long as he is still with his AP.

I was an AP at one point and would have to agree with this. Never was jealous over the spouse. They were married. Different if he leaves her but still I get how it could happen.

I think you misread that.

This is the divorced betrayed spouse now sleeping with her ex-husband that is married to the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Doesn't a divorce steal away far more time and resources from the family then having sex which is free?

1. Sex is never free in the context of adultery. It's not a victimless crime. The cheater is injecting deception into the marriage, exposing their spouse to STDs, and usually complicit in the destruction of a second marriage (when affair partner is also married). And before you start withe excuses about how terrible the betrayed spouse must be in the first place to cause the cheater to cheat..... THAT IS NOT A VALID EXCUSE. If your marriage is so bad that you want to do something that will inflict severe emotional pain on them, get a divorce.

2. Divorce in these situations is typically initiated by the betrayed spouse precisely because they have determined that the marriage is no longer a healthy, safe environment for them. They chose take the financial hit and reduced access to their kids as the price for escaping an abusive situation.

What if they are not having sex? It removes the STD argument and safety issue.

I think you overestimate how much people care about affairs if the couple isn't having sex anymore. You are projecting.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

This. The hysteria over STDs on this board assumes every AP is purchased off of Ashley Madison or the nearest street corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to sleep with your ex as long as he is still with his AP.

I was an AP at one point and would have to agree with this. Never was jealous over the spouse. They were married. Different if he leaves her but still I get how it could happen.

I think you misread that.

This is the divorced betrayed spouse now sleeping with her ex-husband that is married to the AP.

I did not misread that. I understand how it could happen. If you take someone’s husband away you have to be prepared for the possibility that turnabout is fair play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

This. The hysteria over STDs on this board assumes every AP is purchased off of Ashley Madison or the nearest street corner.

Just heard a talk on NPR about the huge spike urgent cares are seeing in STIs. The numbers are very significant. And, they are seeing a lot of syphilis which used to be very seldom. Boomers are also coming in with big rates.

The nurse at urgent care said what’s disturbing is they will say “you need to notify your partner” and they will say things like “I don’t know them met on snap, etc”

[Anonymous]

Never justified

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure all cheaters don't have STDs.

This. The hysteria over STDs on this board assumes every AP is purchased off of Ashley Madison or the nearest street corner.

Just heard a talk on NPR about the huge spike urgent cares are seeing in STIs. The numbers are very significant. And, they are seeing a lot of syphilis which used to be very seldom. Boomers are also coming in with big rates.

The nurse at urgent care said what’s disturbing is they will say “you need to notify your partner” and they will say things like “I don’t know them met on snap, etc”

Right, well, not every affair is cut from the same cloth.