Reply to Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.[/quote]

Man here in a sexless marriage and I think you make a fair point and what you write us reasonable. This assumes you are up for sex when he is being romantic and engaged with you.

In my situation, I did all of those things plus more and it never mattered.  I think my wife was too sheepish to just admit she lost attraction to me and her drive was gone. Like a PP said, the sex romance thing is a cycle and if one person isn't doing their part it will die, and when it does, it's VERY hard to get back.

The unfortunate part of all of this is sometimes one partner loses interest in sex and it's neither personal not something the other one can do anything about. Those marriages are probably doomed over the long term although a lot of people deal by cheating. Some get away with the cheating long enough that they stay married till their old enough when both people stop wanting sex and it's not an issue[/quote]

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