stepfamily and inlaw issues

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

[Anonymous]

I promise that this is not coming from a snarky place, but this is a teachable moment about life not being fair/not always going the way you want it. I am working on this right now with my DD who is an only, she has a privileged life, to say the least. I want her to grow up knowing, sometimes in life things don’t work out to match our expectations. It’s not in our control and ‘it is what it is’. Easier said than done, but we get disappointed in life. Be prepared and deal accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married?

Yes, this might be the only thing that would change the consensus wisdom. If you remarried when your kids were 1 and 3, I'd probably feel differently about it. But if you remarried just in the last few years, which seems to be the case, then it's just something your kids will have to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

I think the stepfather's position is fine. But the OP is married to someone who does not share her views on stepfamily obligations. OP, it was your choice to bring your children into that family's culture and have someone with that viewpoint as their stepfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

I think the stepfather's position is fine. But the OP is married to someone who does not share her views on stepfamily obligations. OP, it was your choice to bring your children into that family's culture and have someone with that viewpoint as their stepfather.

Should the wife give 'her kids' bio-father' *nicer presents* than her current husband because her previous husband is her 'bio-childrens' daddy'? The blood-money can run both ways. The step grandparents are trying, and succeeding, in demonstrating that the new wife is 2nd-tier, by way of making 'her' children an example. When new wife's children apply to college, both of her husbands' financial info will be expected to contribute to her 1st husband's' children's tuition and expenses because her kids now have TWO LEGALLY BOUND FATHERS. The step-grands have many options available to them to hide their preferences and (secretly) lavish (money) it on their bio-grandchildren. The special gifts will get bigger and bigger until the DH2 draws the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

I think the stepfather's position is fine. But the OP is married to someone who does not share her views on stepfamily obligations. OP, it was your choice to bring your children into that family's culture and have someone with that viewpoint as their stepfather.

Should the wife give 'her kids' bio-father' *nicer presents* than her current husband because her previous husband is her 'bio-childrens' daddy'? The blood-money can run both ways. The step grandparents are trying, and succeeding, in demonstrating that the new wife is 2nd-tier, by way of making 'her' children an example. When new wife's children apply to college, both of her husbands' financial info will be expected to contribute to her 1st husband's' children's tuition and expenses because her kids now have TWO LEGALLY BOUND FATHERS. The step-grands have many options available to them to hide their preferences and (secretly) lavish (money) it on their bio-grandchildren. The special gifts will get bigger and bigger until the DH2 draws the line.

Stepdad is not the father. These kids have two parents. These kids have their own grandkids. It will never be equal nor should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

I think the stepfather's position is fine. But the OP is married to someone who does not share her views on stepfamily obligations. OP, it was your choice to bring your children into that family's culture and have someone with that viewpoint as their stepfather.

Even if stepdad has obligations, his parents have none. They got the kids gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

Stepdad has no right to demand his parents get equal gifts.

[Anonymous]

OP, even if I were sympathetic to you about the gifts, taking three additional younger kids on a lengthy vacation is way too much to ask in both effort and money. These people are old enough to have a 21 year old grandchild for Pete's sake, they are old. They are not running a summer camp! And do consider whether your children behave well enough that this would even be manageable for two older adults.

People grow tired of the constant effort required to work around a divorce and remarriage in the family. You love your husband but that doesn't make other people care as much as you do. They are just stuck with your choices whether they like it or not. It's okay for your in-laws to not spend thousands of dollars on your kids' vacation. It's okay for them to have some time with just bios. It's okay for your kids to have time with their bio relatives and for your parents to not make a big investment in your stepkids. Try to lower your expectations here. Teenagers can handle this kind of life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your own grandkids who are sixteen and up on a trip is one thing. Adding three younger stepkids you barely know, may not be as good at supervising etc - that is very different. 16 and 21 year olds can go off on their own, etc

Drop it. Do something fun with the kids that week. Can they go to their own grandparents that week?

Also, did your parents give the stepkids equal gifts?

This. Traveling with three additional younger and more needy kids is too much to ask of elderly adults, period.

You need to get over the idea that everyone has to cater to your divorce and remarriage and insulate the kids from it. This isn't your in-laws' problem and they did give your kids reasonable gifts. You chose for them to be stepchildren and step-grandchildren and have a stepfather who won't go to bat for them.

The stepfather appropriately went to bat for his children, parents, and sibling. Let’s not pretend he let anyone down here.

I think the stepfather's position is fine. But the OP is married to someone who does not share her views on stepfamily obligations. OP, it was your choice to bring your children into that family's culture and have someone with that viewpoint as their stepfather.

Should the wife give 'her kids' bio-father' *nicer presents* than her current husband because her previous husband is her 'bio-childrens' daddy'? The blood-money can run both ways. The step grandparents are trying, and succeeding, in demonstrating that the new wife is 2nd-tier, by way of making 'her' children an example. When new wife's children apply to college, both of her husbands' financial info will be expected to contribute to her 1st husband's' children's tuition and expenses because her kids now have TWO LEGALLY BOUND FATHERS. The step-grands have many options available to them to hide their preferences and (secretly) lavish (money) it on their bio-grandchildren. The special gifts will get bigger and bigger until the DH2 draws the line.

OP is not related to the grandparents, neither are her children. They are her baggage that she brought to the marriage. The step-grandparents got them gifts, just not what they wanted. They could have gotten them nothing. They should next time, since the gifts are not appreciated. OP should make sure to tell them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation as a kid (dad's second wife's parents were rich and indulgent to their grandkids), and I got very pouty and put-out about it.I think my parents tried to gloss over it or pretend to be blind to it, which made me even more upset/feel gaslighted.

I wish my dad and stepmom had just straightforwardly told me that this is normal, not a slight to me, and that I needed to get over myself.

excellent advice. it’s always better to be honest with teens. “Yeah I know it seems unfair, but that’s Billy’s time with his grandparents. We will have a lot of fun on our trip to x place.” And then tell Billy not to rub it in.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think your stepchildren want their stepsiblings to come, OP? Should they be forced to accept it in what used to be their special time with their grandparents?

You need to open your eyes. You chose to marry and many other people are stuck with it and you should give them a little space and not demand that they perform Happy! Family! all the time to make your parenting easier.