stepfamily and inlaw issues
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Anonymous
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My husband and I are both on our second marriage and have kids from our previous relationships. I have 2b 1g aged 12, 12, 14 and he has 2b 16 & 21. My kids live with us full time and 16 year old stepson lives with us 50% of the time. The 21 year old is on his own.
I have a good relationship with my inlaws but there have been some things come up and I am not sure if it should even be addressed with them. H has a much younger sister that his parents had very late in life. She is much closer in age to her nieces and nephews than her siblings. Around 10 years ago they started taking SIL and their grandkids on vacation to a new place every year for 1 week in the summer. It has become a tradition. In 2020 the trip was cancelled because of Covid. They plan to make up for it this year. Over spring break they are taking the kids to FL and this summer they are spending 2 weeks in Hawaii. This is causing some issues with my kids not being included. It was after Christmas that my kids spoke up. The 16 year old got a PS5 for Christmas from the grandparents and they got my kids clothes and some gift cards. I was very grateful but they spent much more money on their grandson than my kids and they noticed the difference. I told my kids that it was not realistic for them to expect a PS5 from them and to be thankful for the nice gifts they received from them. They got really nice gifts from their own grandparents and father. If it was anything but a PS5 I don't think they would have mentioned anything. Let me tell you that gaming system is all the rage. These 2 upcoming trips are causing more issues with my kids. I don't know what to tell them. We will be taking our own vacation this summer but we cannot afford for all of us to go to Hawaii. I spoke with my husband about my kids being upset and he said that he is sympathetic but his kids have been taking these trips for years with his parents and its something my kids will have to accept. He said his ex wifes stepson has never gone on these trips. Has anyone dealt with this? I really don't know what to tell my kids and I don't want them being resentful. I wish I could afford these kind of trips and gifts but I just can't and neither can their father and grandparents. Any feedback? |
Anonymous
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I was in this situation as a kid (dad's second wife's parents were rich and indulgent to their grandkids), and I got very pouty and put-out about it.I think my parents tried to gloss over it or pretend to be blind to it, which made me even more upset/feel gaslighted.
I wish my dad and stepmom had just straightforwardly told me that this is normal, not a slight to me, and that I needed to get over myself. |
Anonymous
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I think you handled the Christmas presents really well. Unfortunately, DH's parents aren't your kids' grandparents. Your kids will have to accept that their step siblings are going to get things they won't.
I definitely would not say something to your in-laws. And what would you say anyway? Take my kids too? Stop taking my kids' step siblings because it's unfair to my kids? It is what it is. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| These are their grandparents. I don’t think it’s fair of you to expect their grandparents not to do things with them because you have kids. Your kids have their own grandparents. Let this be an example of life isn’t fair. It was your choice to get married and bring the kids into this. |
Anonymous
| Team grandparents. They don’t need to take your kids on vacation or buy them fancy presents. Your kids have their own grandparents. Curious if your parents treat the step kids exactly the same |
Anonymous
I think you should address the issue with you kids, not ILs. Kids are old enough to understand if you tell them what you've written here. |
Anonymous
| OP, it's unfortunate, but these are not their grandparents and the relationship isn't going to be equivalent. Talk to your kids, acknowledge their feelings, and that's all you can do. |
Anonymous
Exactly this. These are not your children’s grandparents. I say this as someone who is remarried and has to balance these issues as well. Your kids are old enough to know these aren’t their grandparents. |
Anonymous
I have a question about your kids and if there grandparents/your parents gave as nice gifts to you're stepkids? |
Anonymous
| Teach them to accept that they are not owed anything and that they already got nice presents. |
Anonymous
| Funny that if it's a stepgrandparent who wrote about excluding the steps, all hell would break loose on DCUM. But in this case, it's the second wife who should know better than to expect her kids to be given the same treatment. OP, are your kids even expecting the same inheritance from your in-laws? |
Anonymous
| What do your parents give your step kids? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, your kids sound entitled. Your kids have two sets of grandparents and a father as well. You cannot expect your inlaws to treat your kids the same as their child and their child is entitled to vacations alone with their parents. These are not equal kids and they are being good to them. |
Anonymous
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Sorry but they just don't feel that way about your kids. Or the idea of that large a group of kids is overwhelming to them. Do your kids really treat these people as grandparents? Would your kids still care about them if you got another divorce? Doubtful.
Divorced people should not expect everyone to change plans and distort family traditions to cater to the divorce and remarriage. |
Anonymous
They have a child still living at home PLUS two grandkids (and OP didn't say if they had other grandkids as well). That is a lot right there, plus her THREE kids. The other kids are also older. They may have felt a PS5 is ok for an teen but not preteens, which is reasonable. They got the kids gifts. These kids have their own grandparents and two sets of parents. This is a parenting failure if these kids feel entitled and haven't been taught that anything these people do is a bonus only. |