stepfamily and inlaw issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny that if it's a stepgrandparent who wrote about excluding the steps, all hell would break loose on DCUM. But in this case, it's the second wife who should know better than to expect her kids to be given the same treatment. OP, are your kids even expecting the same inheritance from your in-laws?

Yep. DCUM really changes tunes depending on who the OP is. If the step grandparents had asked about this, they would have been reamed for not including the non-bio grandkids.

Calling someone a "step-grandparent" as if that is some special bond does not make it so. My widowed grandfather married a very nice lady--a family friend, actually--when I was 19. (She was widowed, as well.)

I like and respect her, we exchange little gifts and see each ther even now that my grandad is gone. Guess what? She is not and never will be a true grandparent to me. She has actual grandkids and I'm sure the pleasant relationship I have with her is nothing compared to the actual grandchild bond she has with them.

Using a term "step-" anything as if it means much just because two people decided to get married is pretty thin. Even step-dad or step-mom. Relationships build organically, or not. Throwing about titles is meaningless.

I don't get the need for you to be so abrupt and lacking manners. I just did an interview with someone who had a stepgrandma. She portrayed her in wonderful terms, even though this woman sent her mom to be raised by her bio aunt prior to WWII. I wonder if we are all becoming insanely selfish and self-centered. I don't think there is any need to love the step-grandma, but there is also no reason to be so rude about what she is or is not to you. You sound awfully depressed to feel the need to post something negative on dcum about someone that never did any wrong to you.

Acknowledging reality is not "rude." Trying to force your own perspective or hoped-for outcomes on others is rude.

I like my step-grandmother very much, and go out of my way to connect with her and do nice things for her. That said, she is not and will never be a true grandparent to me.

You clearly have a dog in this fight. I'm sorry that the simple truth that relationships develop organically or not at all is such a difficult pill for you to swallow. It may help you to drop your expectations of what you, unilaterally, think a relationship should be, and go with the flow of what a two-way relationship reality is.

Love does not make demands based on one person's expectations.

You don't get it, you self absorbed prick.

I do, actually. You're, like, the MIL who demands that her new daughter-in-law call her "mom" and act like a flesh-and-blood daughter Because Family, even though you actually just met like, three years ago,mans haven't even spent that much time together. Instead of giving space to allow a real connection to organically form, you label people as "cold" just because they take their time getting to know other people, developing trust.

Nope. You are clearly some BPD victim in your own mind. You know nothing about me. But, keep at it. Keep writing essays about nothing.

Some people are like cats. They take their time and get comfortable with people slowly. It's always the doofy Labrador people like you who bound up and sniff around, clueless why everyone doesn't want to be your best friend on sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny that if it's a stepgrandparent who wrote about excluding the steps, all hell would break loose on DCUM. But in this case, it's the second wife who should know better than to expect her kids to be given the same treatment. OP, are your kids even expecting the same inheritance from your in-laws?

Yep. DCUM really changes tunes depending on who the OP is. If the step grandparents had asked about this, they would have been reamed for not including the non-bio grandkids.

Calling someone a "step-grandparent" as if that is some special bond does not make it so. My widowed grandfather married a very nice lady--a family friend, actually--when I was 19. (She was widowed, as well.)

I like and respect her, we exchange little gifts and see each ther even now that my grandad is gone. Guess what? She is not and never will be a true grandparent to me. She has actual grandkids and I'm sure the pleasant relationship I have with her is nothing compared to the actual grandchild bond she has with them.

Using a term "step-" anything as if it means much just because two people decided to get married is pretty thin. Even step-dad or step-mom. Relationships build organically, or not. Throwing about titles is meaningless.

I don't get the need for you to be so abrupt and lacking manners. I just did an interview with someone who had a stepgrandma. She portrayed her in wonderful terms, even though this woman sent her mom to be raised by her bio aunt prior to WWII. I wonder if we are all becoming insanely selfish and self-centered. I don't think there is any need to love the step-grandma, but there is also no reason to be so rude about what she is or is not to you. You sound awfully depressed to feel the need to post something negative on dcum about someone that never did any wrong to you.

Acknowledging reality is not "rude." Trying to force your own perspective or hoped-for outcomes on others is rude.

I like my step-grandmother very much, and go out of my way to connect with her and do nice things for her. That said, she is not and will never be a true grandparent to me.

You clearly have a dog in this fight. I'm sorry that the simple truth that relationships develop organically or not at all is such a difficult pill for you to swallow. It may help you to drop your expectations of what you, unilaterally, think a relationship should be, and go with the flow of what a two-way relationship reality is.

Love does not make demands based on one person's expectations.

You don't get it, you self absorbed prick.

I do, actually. You're, like, the MIL who demands that her new daughter-in-law call her "mom" and act like a flesh-and-blood daughter Because Family, even though you actually just met like, three years ago,mans haven't even spent that much time together. Instead of giving space to allow a real connection to organically form, you label people as "cold" just because they take their time getting to know other people, developing trust.

Nope. You are clearly some BPD victim in your own mind. You know nothing about me. But, keep at it. Keep writing essays about nothing.

Some people are like cats. They take their time and get comfortable with people slowly. It's always the doofy Labrador people like you who bound up and sniff around, clueless why everyone doesn't want to be your best friend on sight.

You are neither a cat nor a labrador. You are just insecure, small person. You are not worthy.

[Anonymous]

Frankly you have too many kids! 5 kids plus 2 adults aren't just easily added on to a trip. Thats at least 3 extra bedrooms or 3-4 hotel rooms. You'd need a minimum 7 bedroom home to share. Those don't exist in Hawaii for under 10K per week. 3-4 hotels rooms would be an added 2K per DAY.

Your expectations are unreasonable. That said, if his parents agree to pay for 3or 4 of your 7 person family that is more than generous you SHOULD have to pay for the rest.

[Anonymous]

This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

And those two people, who decided to get married, are the ones that owe them food and a roof over your head as you so generously point out but ALSO respect, good manners, maybe empathy and decency? No where in my post do I say the kids should be taken on vacation, all I say is that the adults and the stepbrother don’t talk about their awesome trip in front of the step kids, which again, is basic manners. I think the parents, mom and stepdad, need to figure out their plans long term because this issue will not suddenly disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

And those two people, who decided to get married, are the ones that owe them food and a roof over your head as you so generously point out but ALSO respect, good manners, maybe empathy and decency? No where in my post do I say the kids should be taken on vacation, all I say is that the adults and the stepbrother don’t talk about their awesome trip in front of the step kids, which again, is basic manners. I think the parents, mom and stepdad, need to figure out their plans long term because this issue will not suddenly disappear.

A set of grandkids and grandparents shouldn't have to hide their bond or their plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

And those two people, who decided to get married, are the ones that owe them food and a roof over your head as you so generously point out but ALSO respect, good manners, maybe empathy and decency? No where in my post do I say the kids should be taken on vacation, all I say is that the adults and the stepbrother don’t talk about their awesome trip in front of the step kids, which again, is basic manners. I think the parents, mom and stepdad, need to figure out their plans long term because this issue will not suddenly disappear.

A set of grandkids and grandparents shouldn't have to hide their bond or their plans.

It’s not “hiding your plans or your bond” to not discuss it in front of people who aren’t included. It’s just, and I can’t believe I have to point this out, good manners. It’s what we’re taught in kindergarten about kids who aren’t invited to your birthday party. Not being deliberately cruel is not a big ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

And those two people, who decided to get married, are the ones that owe them food and a roof over your head as you so generously point out but ALSO respect, good manners, maybe empathy and decency? No where in my post do I say the kids should be taken on vacation, all I say is that the adults and the stepbrother don’t talk about their awesome trip in front of the step kids, which again, is basic manners. I think the parents, mom and stepdad, need to figure out their plans long term because this issue will not suddenly disappear.

A set of grandkids and grandparents shouldn't have to hide their bond or their plans.

It’s not “hiding your plans or your bond” to not discuss it in front of people who aren’t included. It’s just, and I can’t believe I have to point this out, good manners. It’s what we’re taught in kindergarten about kids who aren’t invited to your birthday party. Not being deliberately cruel is not a big ask.

It's no different than discussing grandparent /grandkid plans in front of neighbors or strangers at the bus stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

And those two people, who decided to get married, are the ones that owe them food and a roof over your head as you so generously point out but ALSO respect, good manners, maybe empathy and decency? No where in my post do I say the kids should be taken on vacation, all I say is that the adults and the stepbrother don’t talk about their awesome trip in front of the step kids, which again, is basic manners. I think the parents, mom and stepdad, need to figure out their plans long term because this issue will not suddenly disappear.

A set of grandkids and grandparents shouldn't have to hide their bond or their plans.

It’s not “hiding your plans or your bond” to not discuss it in front of people who aren’t included. It’s just, and I can’t believe I have to point this out, good manners. It’s what we’re taught in kindergarten about kids who aren’t invited to your birthday party. Not being deliberately cruel is not a big ask.

It's no different than discussing grandparent /grandkid plans in front of neighbors or strangers at the bus stop.

You often have those people in your home for Christmas? You live a truly interesting life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll throw another perspective in here. My XH’s parents always gave my son money for Xmas and his birthday. It was the same amount every year of his life until his dad remarried a woman with her own son when my son was 15. That Christmas my son got a check from his grandparents for half of what he’d given him for the first 15 years of his life, as they had given the other half to my sons new step-brother. My son accepted it in stride but I could tell he was hurt by it. On the flip side my son didn’t receive anything from the new set of step-grandparents (but his step brother did). It’s a good lesson in life’s not fair but in OP’s situation she is wholeheartedly wrong here.

Is your XH your son’s father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll throw another perspective in here. My XH’s parents always gave my son money for Xmas and his birthday. It was the same amount every year of his life until his dad remarried a woman with her own son when my son was 15. That Christmas my son got a check from his grandparents for half of what he’d given him for the first 15 years of his life, as they had given the other half to my sons new step-brother. My son accepted it in stride but I could tell he was hurt by it. On the flip side my son didn’t receive anything from the new set of step-grandparents (but his step brother did). It’s a good lesson in life’s not fair but in OP’s situation she is wholeheartedly wrong here.

Is your XH your son’s father?

Yes he is. The grandparents are my sons paternal grandparents. His birthday check was also cut in half. It’s honestly not about the money, he just felt “less” when his dad moved on to family number two.