stepfamily and inlaw issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

+more

These older young adults have had their lives disrupted enough by the arrival of younger steps who live with and have disrupted their relationship with their dad. They do not need these kids screwing up a treasures tradition with their grandparents. They deserve a relationship with their grandparents that isn’t radically altered by one parent’s decision to remarry. That is wholly separate from their relationship with their grandparents and should stay so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

Exactly! No one is talking about unwanted children here. Presumably the OP still wants them and her new spouse chose to be their stepdad. There is no need for anyone else to “want” them. Everyone else can be civil and kind and even welcoming, yet retain their existing family traditions that are wholly separate from these new people.
They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

Exactly! No one is talking about unwanted children here. Presumably the OP still wants them and her new spouse chose to be their stepdad. There is no need for anyone else to “want” them. Everyone else can be civil and kind and even welcoming, yet retain their existing family traditions that are wholly separate from these new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either?

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family.

Exactly! No one is talking about unwanted children here. Presumably the OP still wants them and her new spouse chose to be their stepdad. There is no need for anyone else to “want” them. Everyone else can be civil and kind and even welcoming, yet retain their existing family traditions that are wholly separate from these new people.

Well, if this is the way it is, none of you should be surprised when a stepmom doesn’t really care about the children that she didn’t opt in to the kids, just her new husband.

[Anonymous]

A PP upthread mentioned thousands of dollars extra in accomodating the OP's kids but don't forget that feeding her three brats will also cost them more $$$. It's not like a cabin stay where you get to cook and keep costs down. There hasn't been a good reason that OP has given for her in-laws to take her kids. The emotional labor and financial costs alone is a deterrent!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the tables were turned if Op would expect her parents to include her step-kids in their activities. It just seems strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

Exactly. I want to spend time with my own kids, not someone elses. Especially on a vacation.

She and DH can take her kids on their own special trip, doesn't have to be Hawaii. Her DH is lucky the grandparents do that kind of thing, most don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepson should be allowed to vacation with his own grandparents at will, just as your kids should be allowed to visit or travel with their grandparents without their stepbrother in tow. They have separate families. It's kind of stepgrands to include the bonus kids but things shouldn't have to kept equal.

And remember, your kids have your new DH all the time. His own kids only have him part time. That alone is unfair on the surface.

Yes everyone has their own bio family, and OP understand they want to spend special time with them without steps involved. And the bio kids need their own special parenting time without the step kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with. In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling. You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t. But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children. That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up. Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas. Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair.

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose.

+more

These older young adults have had their lives disrupted enough by the arrival of younger steps who live with and have disrupted their relationship with their dad. They do not need these kids screwing up a treasures tradition with their grandparents. They deserve a relationship with their grandparents that isn’t radically altered by one parent’s decision to remarry. That is wholly separate from their relationship with their grandparents and should stay so.

And what part of “don’t brag about your fancy trip in front of your 12 y/o step siblings is “radically altering” their relationship with their grandparents? My parents are still married but my grandparents sure expected me to behave with good manners, is that something kids get a pass on if their parents remarry and I just missed it?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are spoiled brats. Those grandparents are not their blood, they are not supposed to do anything for them. Be thankful you got anything.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get from OP's post that she expects step-grandparents to take her kids along to Hawaii. She just said she isn't sure what to say to her kids when they express feeling jealous.

OP, I've validate your kids' feelings (who wouldn't be a bit a jealous, it is natural!), then I'd just explain to your kids that this is a tradition in their family, and that they can't afford to bring along more kids. It has absolutely nothing to do with whether they like your kids or not. It is simply their family trip, and others aren't invited. If you don't act like it is a big deal, they won't think it is a big deal.

Though they may feel some resentment (and think it is unfair) as teens, they will understand when they are older.