Are most married couples unhappily married?

[Anonymous]

Maybe not "most" but divorce rate would suggest "many".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others said, you have to work at maintaining that connection. Without the work, it will fade with everyone, even if you divorce and fall madly in love again. Cliche as it is, loving someone is a choice and an action, not a feeling.

Op here. DH put a lot of effort into pursuing me when we were dating. I fell for his effort. 15 years later, there isn’t much effort from both sides.

I have been working out a lot and I’m the most fit I have ever been so DH is attracted to me still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think happily married people with kids look like? Butterflies fade, and while some people claim or do have sex all the time for the most part being partners is a long slog and if you have someone you're sharing your life and daily grind with that's nice.
When did you drop being attracted to him?

I know DH is a great catch. He is aging well and probably better looking with age. I’m just not attracted to him anymore. He earns a seven figure income, which I know people will say he can dump me and find a hotter replacement instantly. If we take the income away, we are two people who don’t really click anymore. We fell in love young. We did everything right. We met in grad school, started our careers together, bought our first house together, had a baby, another baby and a third baby.

I’m probably having a midlife crisis.

You are! He’s probably working hard and you may sense he’s putting his career ahead of you. Your relationship has been on autopilot as you have been raising three children. You’re moving into a mid life funk! You need to find some fun things to do together to rekindle the fire. It sounds like you have a very blessed life but you risk blowing it if you don’t make a real effort to jump start it.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad as a divorced woman. I would love to have someone to raise children and share a life with but I didn't get that. You have it and don't want it.

[Anonymous]

What did you expect married life to be like? All sunshine and roses until the end of time? This is life, lady. This is what marriage looks like 15 years in. It's a different kind of love than what you experience during the dating stage. The business of creating a life together and raising a family is a lot of work.

And I mean this kindly, but stop whining and get some perspective. Be grateful for what you do have and look for ways to improve yourself and your outlook. See a therapist, get a happy light, take some meds, go for a long walk, see some friends, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps just the regular grind/routine of parenting three. Also, life can be boring at times. As responsible adults we have to work, care give, and maintain our homes and bodies.

Low grade depression is always a possibility and now with winter it could be SAD or hormone changes.

If you can hang in there, I hope you do. Once our last left for college it was really refreshing- can’t seem to identify correct feeling. We loved/ love our DC but to just have the two of us together again is so nice.

It’s not like when we were dating by any means but it’s just a gentle connection. We do a lot of our own things but when we are together we share these things. The day to day stress and grind is gone. And, traveling with just the two of us is so much nicer than with dc.

When they are all back from college it gets stressful again!

What you are feeling is real but also I feel very, very common. Wishing you only the best as you find your answers.

[Anonymous]

Seriously wake up. This is mid life crisis. 40’s are hard for multitude of reasons and this dip in happiness during mid life happens across cultures. When it starts to improve, it then gets better and better with time even as you age. So know that what you are going through is to be expected and not unique to you. Therefore, it is not necessarily your marriage at fault but rather an issue of how you handle this mid life period.

Put excitement back in to your life by doing exciting things together or learn a hobby together. Data shows this will get better over time naturally.

[Anonymous]

I’m willing to bet that all marriages flat line for a certain period given you’ve been together a long time and with kids, schools, jobs life becomes unexciting. If necessary meet with a therapist to help you talk and think it through. Don’t screw up the good life you have.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with your husband and your relationship. You have a hole in you that you need to fill that is completely unrelated to him. So many people make the mistake of thinking their spouse is responsible for making them happy. You are responsible for your own happiness. Find some activity or cause to give your life meaning that is not a romantic relationship. Classic midlife crisis material here, and you will not make it better by blowing up a perfectly good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Don't make that spouse the center of your universe. Too many women do that imo. And no one is going to meet all your needs, being unrealistic is why most marriages are unhappy.

[Anonymous]

People are being too harsh op. I am right there with you. 6 figures, but we have two amazing kids and he is a good dad and hard worker. He helps out (not quite as much as I like, but a lot), but there is no spark. I often vacillate between gratitude/acceptance and yearning/divorce. Because of his health issues (not his fault), sex life is non-existent.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned twice how fit you are. Could it be you are getting extra attention for other men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 3 amazing kids. We have a high HHI, beautiful home, savings, etc. we are stable. However, we have kind of just drifted apart. There is no abuse. I can’t say we are happily married. We just turned 40 and still fit and attractive. I’m not very attracted to DH physically or emotionally. DH is a hands on father and helps around the house so it isn’t like I’m resentful of him. I feel like I fell out of love and we are just coparenting. I know I have it better than many but still not happily married.

My wife would write the exact thing, and I would echo her to some degree. On the outside, we are the fun, happy and energetic couple. On the inside, it's dead, intimacy is gone. I still love and respect her but if we weren't married with children I would imagine we would break up amicably.

And we were very happy and loving at some point, lots of laughs and sex and travel and the dream. Now we "have it all" and yet she is deeply unhappy. No idea if she leaves but if she does I will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As others said, you have to work at maintaining that connection. Without the work, it will fade with everyone, even if you divorce and fall madly in love again. Cliche as it is, loving someone is a choice and an action, not a feeling.

Op here. DH put a lot of effort into pursuing me when we were dating. I fell for his effort. 15 years later, there isn’t much effort from both sides.

I have been working out a lot and I’m the most fit I have ever been so DH is attracted to me still.

Working out and staying attractive isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about ways to maintain your connection. Date nights. Little surprises. Making your significant other feelings special. You say your husband doesn't do these things for you any longer, but do you put in the effort for him to make him feel special besides showing up and looking pretty? He can't possibly chase you for 15 years straight. I've been with my husband for nearly as long as you have been with yours, we have small kids and demanding jobs, and passion definitely ebbs and flows. Help him out! Break out the lingerie. Plan a fun date night. Slip a favorite treat into his suitcase. Make him feel special and he just may begin to reciprocate in kind. It works for us when we need a little kick-start. Divorce may bring a new passion into your life but that will fade with time too.

[Anonymous]

My wife feels similarly about me. We stopped having sex, and there is an AP now. It's all so much more complicated than I ever imagined. Don't let it happen, OP.