Are most married couples unhappily married?

[Anonymous]

I have been married 25 years. We’ve had a happy marriage but this is a difficult season in our marriage. It’s easy to say - accept you spouse or change your attitude. There are challenges that make those things difficult. The big thing I would say is look at the long road. Don’t think you have an unhappy marriage because you are having a hard week or even year as a couple.

[Anonymous]

No I think there are lots of happily married people out there. I’m one of them.

I think you need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is too nice to you. If you were less sure of his love, you wouldn't be taking it for granted. (I'm a DW.)

This is SO true. I knew my ex-husband loved me so much there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. I'm the one who wanted out and I said I wanted to be with someone where I felt like I actually had to work at it a bit. Basically where we loved each other equally but also respected the other person a lot. I didn't respect my ex at all.

[Anonymous]

Not reading the whole thing but all those studies about levels of happiness over the lifespan, assuming a fairly typical life trajectory, wouldn't 15 years in probably be one of those happiness troughs? After which maybe the marriage really is fine or maybe it becomes clearly not?

Having not had a life remotely resembling typical trajectory, I have nothing to contribute based on personal experience.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? You mentioned being in grad school but then only mentioned your husband's salary.

[Anonymous]

Marriages take an enormous amount of work and that work includes compromise and not being focused on your needs. My husband and I are very tolerant of each other’s foibles as it’s just who we are. But we have always been focused on the big picture which was being the best parents we could be and supporting each other. We have always been on the same wavelength when it comes to financial matters and child rearing and that has really helped. Somehow after 38 years we still have the desire to be affectionate and we virtually never criticize each other.

[Anonymous]

Is this an MRA troll? Husband good looking, kind, good father, good husband, makes A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR and still comes home on time to take his three kids to sports, but wife just doesn’t like him for no reason because women are like that...I don’t believe this is real

[Anonymous]

I mean, how many guys in the whole country are there who are handsome, sweet forty year old guys who make over a million dollars a year and still do everything right by their wife and kids? Can’t be too many! But somehow one of them has a wife who has showed up on DCUM to whine and complain about him? Don’t believe it

[Anonymous]

OP I understand. It doesn’t matter if you are married to a kind, handsome, millionaire, or a blue collar joe. All partners can get boring and be stale after several years.

You do realize you overall have it very good. Focus on the positives. No one has everything they want always. Sometimes pretty good is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad as a divorced woman. I would love to have someone to raise children and share a life with but I didn't get that. You have it and don't want it.

+1. Do your amazing children a favor and work on becoming friends with their father again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a correlated omitted variable here... generation. Many people are claiming that after 20 years of marriage you're not happy anymore. But to married 20 years, you're probably 50 years old or more, which means a lot are probably boomers. Like, have you ever MET a boomer? I wouldn't want to be married to one either!

That would make them Gen X (birth years 1961-1981).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an MRA troll? Husband good looking, kind, good father, good husband, makes A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR and still comes home on time to take his three kids to sports, but wife just doesn’t like him for no reason because women are like that...I don’t believe this is real

Really, at the risk of being boastful, I think this describes me. And my wife is indifferent to me, my affection and advances. Never underestimate the ability to take someone for granted. I get hit on and propositioned on occasion and so far have turned it down. So far...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love is a feeling it comes and goes. You need to work at maintain a connection with your spouse that tides you through the lower love periods. That is what intimacy is for - emotional, physical, and sexual. It connects you with or without feelings of love. Love needs that connection to return.

Love isn’t jus let a feeling. It’s an action.

I had a rough patch with my spouse where I felt not in love with him. I remembered a Stephen Covey story, wherein a man asked him for advice because he didn’t love his wife. Covey’s advice was “love your wife.” It reminded me that love is a verb, not just an emotion. So even though I didn’t feel very loving, I started doing loving things - not big, just little stuff like making his favorite dinner. DH responded by doing more little acts of love, too - without us talking about it. And the loving feelings came back.

That was 10 years ago, and things are better than ever. So don’t just give up. You need to “fake it til you make it” as some might say. Bring the love back by being loving. It sounds stupid, but it really works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love is a feeling it comes and goes. You need to work at maintain a connection with your spouse that tides you through the lower love periods. That is what intimacy is for - emotional, physical, and sexual. It connects you with or without feelings of love. Love needs that connection to return.

Love isn’t jus let a feeling. It’s an action.

I had a rough patch with my spouse where I felt not in love with him. I remembered a Stephen Covey story, wherein a man asked him for advice because he didn’t love his wife. Covey’s advice was “love your wife.” It reminded me that love is a verb, not just an emotion. So even though I didn’t feel very loving, I started doing loving things - not big, just little stuff like making his favorite dinner. DH responded by doing more little acts of love, too - without us talking about it. And the loving feelings came back.

That was 10 years ago, and things are better than ever. So don’t just give up. You need to “fake it til you make it” as some might say. Bring the love back by being loving. It sounds stupid, but it really works.

This is so on point. You will go through phases in life and this mid life happiness trough is prevalent and seen across many cultures. Just know that this is a phase in life and so act in a way that shows you love your husband and it will get better. Read up on happiness curve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is too nice to you. If you were less sure of his love, you wouldn't be taking it for granted. (I'm a DW.)

This is SO true. I knew my ex-husband loved me so much there was nothing I could do that would make him stop loving me. I'm the one who wanted out and I said I wanted to be with someone where I felt like I actually had to work at it a bit. Basically where we loved each other equally but also respected the other person a lot. I didn't respect my ex at all.

Curious- why didn't you respect him? Was he a responsible, mature, working adult? I suspect there may be a similar dynamic in my relationship.