Argh - I don’t like DSD’s boyfriend always hanging around

[Anonymous]

This is weird. He’s in the basement, why on earth does that bother you? All that will happen by you limiting his visits is that she will sneak him in and out.

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19 and home from college. And neither was he. A 19 year old does not have the right to have her boyfriend sleep over every night. He’s being pretty presumptuous. When I was just out of college early 20s I dated a guy who lived with his dad. His dad travelled a lot for work so I would sleep there when his dad was away, but when his dad was home, I tried not to sleep there more than once or twice a week. I felt like his dad deserved his own space.

One summer in college my boyfriend and I wanted to live together and not have to deal with parents, so we rented and paid for our own summer sublet.

I also lived at my parents a few times off and on in my twenties and I only had boyfriends sleep over when they were out of town.

You don’t want her to feel entitled to a cush boomerang situation. Having some rules in place will motivate her to get her own place when she graduates from college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19 and home from college. And neither was he. A 19 year old does not have the right to have her boyfriend sleep over every night. He’s being pretty presumptuous. When I was just out of college early 20s I dated a guy who lived with his dad. His dad travelled a lot for work so I would sleep there when his dad was away, but when his dad was home, I tried not to sleep there more than once or twice a week. I felt like his dad deserved his own space.

One summer in college my boyfriend and I wanted to live together and not have to deal with parents, so we rented and paid for our own summer sublet.

I also lived at my parents a few times off and on in my twenties and I only had boyfriends sleep over when they were out of town.

You don’t want her to feel entitled to a cush boomerang situation. Having some rules in place will motivate her to get her own place when she graduates from college.

Pp here. And my parents are still married. There were no steps involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19 and home from college. And neither was he. A 19 year old does not have the right to have her boyfriend sleep over every night. He’s being pretty presumptuous. When I was just out of college early 20s I dated a guy who lived with his dad. His dad travelled a lot for work so I would sleep there when his dad was away, but when his dad was home, I tried not to sleep there more than once or twice a week. I felt like his dad deserved his own space.

One summer in college my boyfriend and I wanted to live together and not have to deal with parents, so we rented and paid for our own summer sublet.

I also lived at my parents a few times off and on in my twenties and I only had boyfriends sleep over when they were out of town.

You don’t want her to feel entitled to a cush boomerang situation. Having some rules in place will motivate her to get her own place when she graduates from college.

Pp here. And my parents are still married. There were no steps involved.

He's not spending the night, just coming over a lot and staying late.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you say till 1am most nights and then have a night or two when it is earlier, like Sundays have it be 10pm.

[Anonymous]

A couple of questions: How long is the boyfriend actually in the house? Does he stop by after work at 10 PM or does he come by at noon? How much longer will you be stationed in DC? Will your family be gone when this comes up again next year? Honestly, I would let this slide for the few weeks she has left in your house. Next year, house rules!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19 and home from college. And neither was he. A 19 year old does not have the right to have her boyfriend sleep over every night. He’s being pretty presumptuous. When I was just out of college early 20s I dated a guy who lived with his dad. His dad travelled a lot for work so I would sleep there when his dad was away, but when his dad was home, I tried not to sleep there more than once or twice a week. I felt like his dad deserved his own space.

One summer in college my boyfriend and I wanted to live together and not have to deal with parents, so we rented and paid for our own summer sublet.

I also lived at my parents a few times off and on in my twenties and I only had boyfriends sleep over when they were out of town.

You don’t want her to feel entitled to a cush boomerang situation. Having some rules in place will motivate her to get her own place when she graduates from college.

Pp here. And my parents are still married. There were no steps involved.

He's not spending the night, just coming over a lot and staying late.

Well, ok, but my parents also had rules about that. I think my boyfriend had to leave by 11pm on weeknights and by 1am on weekends. And he didn’t stay there all the time. It’s just good manners not to. You’re not supposed to overstay your welcome when you are a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

She didn't grow up in this house. Dad is military and we are stationed in DC. Room is outfitted for her, with her belongings.

I called her mom to ask about house rules over there, since we don't have any. Mom suggested 1 am kick out time, since that was DSD's curfew last year. So, I texted her and we are going with that.

This doesn't even seem worth setting a boundary to me, if the curfew is 1am. Now she's mad that you're limiting her time with her boyfriend, you're the evil stepmother, mom's a collaborator, dad's still cool, and you still have to be company-ready in your house until 1am (but not 2!) which means until after you go to sleep every night. All downside, no upside. What's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

She didn't grow up in this house. Dad is military and we are stationed in DC. Room is outfitted for her, with her belongings.

I called her mom to ask about house rules over there, since we don't have any. Mom suggested 1 am kick out time, since that was DSD's curfew last year. So, I texted her and we are going with that.

This doesn't even seem worth setting a boundary to me, if the curfew is 1am. Now she's mad that you're limiting her time with her boyfriend, you're the evil stepmother, mom's a collaborator, dad's still cool, and you still have to be company-ready in your house until 1am (but not 2!) which means until after you go to sleep every night. All downside, no upside. What's the point?

+1

[Anonymous]

As someone who is a private person, I know how you feel, truly. But looking at the big picture, this is the kind of guy you want your DSD to hang out with, inside or outside the house. I’d let it go, frankly, due to the setup you have where you are not running into him constantly.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

[Anonymous]

He comes over every evening after work, starting around 8pm. Yesterday we drove in from an out of town trip - 6 hour trip and we came in the door at 6 pm. He came over at 7:30. Tonight thank goodness she is going to dinner at his house.

I initially proposed a ten pm kickout but DSD was appalled and said “10pm is the new 8pm”. And to be fair she works until 6 and gets home close to 7 so 8-10 pm isn’t much time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

Seems fine tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19 and home from college. And neither was he. A 19 year old does not have the right to have her boyfriend sleep over every night. He’s being pretty presumptuous. When I was just out of college early 20s I dated a guy who lived with his dad. His dad travelled a lot for work so I would sleep there when his dad was away, but when his dad was home, I tried not to sleep there more than once or twice a week. I felt like his dad deserved his own space.

One summer in college my boyfriend and I wanted to live together and not have to deal with parents, so we rented and paid for our own summer sublet.

I also lived at my parents a few times off and on in my twenties and I only had boyfriends sleep over when they were out of town.

You don’t want her to feel entitled to a cush boomerang situation. Having some rules in place will motivate her to get her own place when she graduates from college.

Pp here. And my parents are still married. There were no steps involved.

He's not spending the night, just coming over a lot and staying late.

????

1am = spending the night
Actually it’s even worse because he’s disturbing the house in the middle of the night.