Argh - I don’t like DSD’s boyfriend always hanging around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

They’re ok with that, given she’s an adult. But OP is not ok with noise and potential security risks in the dead of night, and not being “alone with just family” in her own house at night, which I TOTALLY understand. My summer pjs are not something I’d want a stranger to see, and I feel that I should be able to come down in the middle of the night without crossing a random boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

This exactly.

+1000 He should be the one bent out of shape. Probably feeling guilty about the divorce. I don’t know any father that would be ok with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why DH is okay with this. Has it not occurred to him that they are pounding it out down there?

This exactly.

+1000 He should be the one bent out of shape. Probably feeling guilty about the divorce. I don’t know any father that would be ok with this.

OP did you move in with your DH or sleep with him before marriage?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this. I will contribute this to you not having teens yet(as your kid is so much younger). If they are quiet and not bothering anyone, you need to understand that she is a young woman, that this is her house also and that it doesn't matter where and whom she grew up with. If you are not entertaining this guy, and everyone is quiet at night, this is literary a situation that every parent of a teen deals with, learns to sleep with sleepovers, maybe not boyfriends in all families, but certainly same gender friends, and even hanging out with the opposite gender friends.
You are overreacting because I am going to guess here, you can't sleep with someone still at the house? Take a benadryl, and relax. You sound too uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

She didn't grow up in this house. Dad is military and we are stationed in DC. Room is outfitted for her, with her belongings.

I called her mom to ask about house rules over there, since we don't have any. Mom suggested 1 am kick out time, since that was DSD's curfew last year. So, I texted her and we are going with that.

This doesn't even seem worth setting a boundary to me, if the curfew is 1am. Now she's mad that you're limiting her time with her boyfriend, you're the evil stepmother, mom's a collaborator, dad's still cool, and you still have to be company-ready in your house until 1am (but not 2!) which means until after you go to sleep every night. All downside, no upside. What's the point?

Does anyone replying here have older teens or young adults for kids staying with you during the summer? You are all overreacting and by a lot. Parents sleep and young adults have friends over, and sleepovers and you do not have to be company-ready! They don't want you around, they are fine on their own. Probably drinking and laughing and watching dumb movies, and yes, having sex. This is all normal at that age. And your reply seems most normal of all here, but trust me, I am not company ready at 1am, nor is any mom or dad of my kids' friends that they are spending the summer with. We are used to it, OP isn't since she hasn't been there yet with her own kid and is truly overly high strung about a 19 year old having a boyfriend over. The only thing to do is if they are loud, turning lights on and off... is to tell both of them, "look, we are sleeping and you need to respect that, no lights all over, no loud tv, no laughing like nuts. Please be respectful that we have work and that your brother and we all need to sleep." That's is, that is a normal thing to do.

[Anonymous]

A guy hanging out at 1 am is just trashy. No wonder you feel weird about it.

[Anonymous]

It’s out of the norm for me bc it’s not how I grew up (would not be respectful to my parents to do this even as an adult). I also wasnt phased into it bc I don’t have a teenager so I have no idea what is normal. Also I’m a private person and a night owl. After my LO goes to sleep I want to take off my bra, sit in my PJs and watch Netflix and eat popcorn and I stay up late. I dont want to make small talk or put on a robe. I would be more chill were it once in a while but it’s all.the.time.

[Anonymous]

Eh- it’s the stepdaughters house too and if dad doesn’t care then don’t be the bad guy- frankly it’s only a few weeks and it’s not worth it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh- it’s the stepdaughters house too and if dad doesn’t care then don’t be the bad guy- frankly it’s only a few weeks and it’s not worth it

So your kids can just flout rules because it is their house too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh- it’s the stepdaughters house too and if dad doesn’t care then don’t be the bad guy- frankly it’s only a few weeks and it’s not worth it

So your kids can just flout rules because it is their house too?

It isn't a house rule. OP lost her nerve and said "you know how I feel" which is just expressing a preference. If OP really wants to make it a rule she needs to try harder to get her DH on board and stand firm against the teen pushback. But at this point in the summer I agree it is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

How well do you know this boyfriend? If I had young kids in the house I don’t want a strange man to have free reign of the house after we are all asleep.

And yeah, leaving at 1am, someone is going to forget to lock up.

[Anonymous]

Double down on her. Make a care package of birth control and sex toys, and give it to her while DH is there and say ‘I want to be a good host to you and your lover!’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well do you know this boyfriend? If I had young kids in the house I don’t want a strange man to have free reign of the house after we are all asleep.

And yeah, leaving at 1am, someone is going to forget to lock up.

I know him not at all. He is the son of a friend of a family friend though, and they were set up through the family friend. From what I know he seems like a very nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

She didn't grow up in this house. Dad is military and we are stationed in DC. Room is outfitted for her, with her belongings.

I called her mom to ask about house rules over there, since we don't have any. Mom suggested 1 am kick out time, since that was DSD's curfew last year. So, I texted her and we are going with that.

Great you won the battle but lost the war. You get nothing and you become the controlling step mother.

[Anonymous]

It is 3 more weeks. You can’t swirch up and create rules now.

If plan is for her to be there for vacations or breaks in the future have a 3-way discussion now and set boundaries.

Don’t be surprised if she stops coming to your home though. I expect her dad knows this and why he isn't making a big fuss over it. He knows she is a legal adult, sexually active and is ok with an adult daughter living her life.