Argh - I don’t like DSD’s boyfriend always hanging around

[Anonymous]

My DSD is 19 and winding up a summer internship here in DC before she returns to college at the end of the month. She is staying with us and has the whole lower level of the house to herself. She met a guy through family friends, and they have been dating for 2.5 weeks. He’s extremely nice, lives with his parents, and commutes to college. Because of her more private setup, they hang out here. All the time. They went on two dates and then he came over and stayed until 1 am. Sunday evening, which is my get-ready-for-the-week downtime and de-stress day, he comes over. DH and I spoke to her about him constantly being over, but we can’t really articulate why we don’t like it, and DH kind of painted it to her that I was the one with the issue and he was fine with whatever. I tried to explain it to her- I said I know you like him but he’s a strange guy in the house at 1am, and he’s not family, and at some point our house is just for family. I just don’t want to worry about running to get a glass of water at 2am and running into him leaving. I want to just cook and do laundry and give my 4 yo a bath and wind down on Sunday without him hanging around. It’s just..too intimate...to have him around all the time.

Anyway I told her 11pm seemed like an appropriate time for him to leave, and she gave me a lot of pushback. Confronted with the half-assed support from DH and her pushback, I told her “look, you know how I feel and I’ll leave it at that.” And so here we are- he’s still here and he will be here until 2am and he’ll be back again tomorrow and we have 2.5 more weeks of him always being here. If you have 18 year old kids or older staying with you, how do you deal with this?

[Anonymous]

It's your house that she's staying in (presumably rent free?) so you and your husband get to make the rules. It is unclear from your post whether your husband supports your position or not. Not just how he presents it to DSD but whether he agrees at all so the first thing you need to do is see if he is on board since he gets input here too.

[Anonymous]

Be the boss.

I would talk to him, in front of DH and girl, to say that as the homeowner, he is welcome until x hour, and then the house is closed to visitors, for security reasons. I do not want to have to worry about strange noises in the middle of the night or a door being left unlocked.

And privately I would tell DH what for.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules. I don't know where these loser boyfriends get off thinking they own their GF's house and can stay there until the wee hours.

[Anonymous]

I would suck it up for 3 weeks because sacrificing those weeks is worth keeping a good adult relationship with your SD. Plus do you remember what its like to be 19 and have a new boyfriend? And wouldn't you rather have them under your roof than somewhere else? I have teens and I always always always want them all here vs who knows where.

[Anonymous]

You can make the rules if you want to. But I will say- at least you know where she is. My parents didn't allow me to stay out past 10pm (and they moved an hour from my hometown so there was a lot of travel time to visit friends). So when I graduated high school I moved away and rarely came back. I stayed with friends or boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Is her mom alive? Are you on good terms?Tell her. My mother would never let me have a boy in the house past 10. Not until I was over 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suck it up for 3 weeks because sacrificing those weeks is worth keeping a good adult relationship with your SD. Plus do you remember what its like to be 19 and have a new boyfriend? And wouldn't you rather have them under your roof than somewhere else? I have teens and I always always always want them all here vs who knows where.

+1, what are you doing between 11 and 2 where it matters if they’re in the basement? Put in some earplugs and go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

[Anonymous]

You've got a kid that wants to hang out at your house around you. this is a great thing. Bear with it for 3 weeks. You will see, that isn't the norm. Be thankful she wants to be there instead of out doing whatever until whenever. You should be singing Hallelujah!

[Anonymous]

I'm dying at these responses. She's 19, and wants to hang out at the house? Shouldn't have boys over after 10? LOLZ.

As I just said, you should be ecstatic she's there.

"Tell her mom?" WTH?

[Anonymous]

And you DH painted as your issue, because it is YOUR issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also it sounds like this is her dad’s new house, right? Was the lower level her childhood bedroom or did she not have one in this house with a four year old? If she’s just crashing in her dad’s new family’s guest suite, let’s not get crazy about “family.” Kick her out if you don’t want her there or charge her rent or something.

She didn't grow up in this house. Dad is military and we are stationed in DC. Room is outfitted for her, with her belongings.

I called her mom to ask about house rules over there, since we don't have any. Mom suggested 1 am kick out time, since that was DSD's curfew last year. So, I texted her and we are going with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you DH painted as your issue, because it is YOUR issue

this. Own it. Sounds like you have a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she would like you to leave. I find it very annoying to have my dad's wife always hanging around. It is just too intimate. But he loves her, so I try to endure it. Remember that this is a person she loves very much, and that your place in her life is also based on a romantic relationship and probably felt like a huge imposition and weird and gross at first, and maybe even still does.