Raising your kids screen-free (or minimal screens) -- experience from parents with older kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

Thank you! This was my reaction as well. I would focus a little more on compassion PP. You and your daughter sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Your school choice in the future will make a difference. We have a 9th, 7th, 5th and 2nd grader. They do not have phones. We don’t own video games. The older kids are allowed to use the computer for school- research and writing - but they ask permission. We watch movies on weekend nights. They older kids have go-pros and my youngest enjoys her camera but otherwise they are tech-free. My husband and I are not on social media (except dcum) and we try to limit ourselves in wasting time on our phones. Our kids do well in school. They play sports (not travel) and play outside all the time - riding bikes, skateboarding, climbing trees. I do t think parents realize it can be done or maybe they don’t have the guts to impose rules on their kids. My kids actually feel bad for kids they are staring down at their phones. We had an exchange student recently that brought his phone and until we suggested he put it away during the day he was completely missing the experience of being in another country. Once he put the phone down his English exploded and he was much happier. Honestly it was mostly his parents and girlfriend distracting him all the time and keeping him from engaging. The contrast was remarkable. A lot of parents will tell you that moderation is okay but they should look closer at what the devices are keeping their kids from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

But, she didn't have a smartphone until she was 14! So she *must* be superior to those *other* kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't let mine watch tv at all under the age of five. They can watch some now- middle school/high school but they still ask if it is okay. I'm pretty easy going - they tend to watch 4-5 hours a week during a normal school week. More at vacation time. They got phones in middle school - smart phones if kept straight As....no social media yet. They group text with friends but I'm trying to avoid that. They are all great readers and have lots of activities. No one is glued to their phone during meals/around the house/ etc.

Your high schooler asks permission before watching TV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't let mine watch tv at all under the age of five. They can watch some now- middle school/high school but they still ask if it is okay. I'm pretty easy going - they tend to watch 4-5 hours a week during a normal school week. More at vacation time. They got phones in middle school - smart phones if kept straight As....no social media yet. They group text with friends but I'm trying to avoid that. They are all great readers and have lots of activities. No one is glued to their phone during meals/around the house/ etc.

Your high schooler asks permission before watching TV?

Different poster, but everyone in my house asks permission before turning on the tv. We aren’t all watching on our own private screens; we are watching on a tv in a communal space and tvs are loud and distracting so of course we ask before turning it on if anyone else is home and hanging out in the common open floor area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't let mine watch tv at all under the age of five. They can watch some now- middle school/high school but they still ask if it is okay. I'm pretty easy going - they tend to watch 4-5 hours a week during a normal school week. More at vacation time. They got phones in middle school - smart phones if kept straight As....no social media yet. They group text with friends but I'm trying to avoid that. They are all great readers and have lots of activities. No one is glued to their phone during meals/around the house/ etc.

Your high schooler asks permission before watching TV?

Different poster, but everyone in my house asks permission before turning on the tv. We aren’t all watching on our own private screens; we are watching on a tv in a communal space and tvs are loud and distracting so of course we ask before turning it on if anyone else is home and hanging out in the common open floor area.

Really? Your husband asks your kids for permission before he turns on the Nationals game, for example?

[Anonymous]

Unless you are in a very unusual school, a no screens rule will be very socially isolating as they age. For my son, starting in later ES, it was very common for boys to have “virtual play dates” where they meet up online to play a cooperative game, and also to want to play video games jointly at an in-person play date. I limit it so that they don’t spend the whole play date on a screen but I realize this also makes our house somewhat less attractive for kids to hang out, which runs contrary to other goals I have.
For my daughter, starting in late elementary, TV shows became a major topic of conversation which was hard for us as I didn’t want her watching those particular shows and it was isolating. Starting in middle school, the girls pretty much exclusively plan social activities via texting each other or google chat so if your daughter doesn’t have a phone, she is very likely to be shut out of many outings, inside jokes, etc. it’s aggravating but I can’t remake society. My teen daughter also uses her phone for certain apps that help her in school—a school one that tracks her assignments, a language one to help her practice her foreign language (especially helpful the year she had an awful teacher), and a math one that is helpful to avoid brain drain over the summer.

My kids have also used their screen tome to collaboratively write short stories or novellas with friends.

I think the goal is to think through what your goals are for Tech, and then use it accordingly. We also put screentime limits on everything but texts to avoid the casual slide into over-usage. It’s not easy, but I think it’s extremely difficult and ultimately short sighted to just opt out. It’s also important to balance with other interests. My kids each do two casual rec sports pretty much year round, have chores around the house, spend hours a day reading, have certain other hobbies (crafts, etc.), and we are a big board game family so there is often a game going almost every evening.

[Anonymous]

PS I just did that long post. Forgot to mention I still don’t allow “social media” or YouTube. YouTube is just the worst as there’s really no limits on what people can put on there. I think it’s like asking the random folks on a public bus to babysit your kids. Sure, they might learn something but odds are it won’t be something great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't let mine watch tv at all under the age of five. They can watch some now- middle school/high school but they still ask if it is okay. I'm pretty easy going - they tend to watch 4-5 hours a week during a normal school week. More at vacation time. They got phones in middle school - smart phones if kept straight As....no social media yet. They group text with friends but I'm trying to avoid that. They are all great readers and have lots of activities. No one is glued to their phone during meals/around the house/ etc.

Your high schooler asks permission before watching TV?

Different poster, but everyone in my house asks permission before turning on the tv. We aren’t all watching on our own private screens; we are watching on a tv in a communal space and tvs are loud and distracting so of course we ask before turning it on if anyone else is home and hanging out in the common open floor area.

I’m 36 now, but when I was a teenager in the house I asked also. I didn’t HAVE to, but it’s an understood thing. It’s quite rude to go into a space and turn on the TV without asking others in the room.

Now, if everyone was upstairs/outside then I didn’t ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your school choice in the future will make a difference. We have a 9th, 7th, 5th and 2nd grader. They do not have phones. We don’t own video games. The older kids are allowed to use the computer for school- research and writing - but they ask permission. We watch movies on weekend nights. They older kids have go-pros and my youngest enjoys her camera but otherwise they are tech-free. My husband and I are not on social media (except dcum) and we try to limit ourselves in wasting time on our phones. Our kids do well in school. They play sports (not travel) and play outside all the time - riding bikes, skateboarding, climbing trees. I do t think parents realize it can be done or maybe they don’t have the guts to impose rules on their kids. My kids actually feel bad for kids they are staring down at their phones. We had an exchange student recently that brought his phone and until we suggested he put it away during the day he was completely missing the experience of being in another country. Once he put the phone down his English exploded and he was much happier. Honestly it was mostly his parents and girlfriend distracting him all the time and keeping him from engaging. The contrast was remarkable. A lot of parents will tell you that moderation is okay but they should look closer at what the devices are keeping their kids from.

Do you live around here? Do they have outside friends and if so how do they socialize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

And I have a nephew who has screens on during every waking hour and he starts whining for them as soon as they're turned off and never stops. And I know people whose kids consumed "moderate" amounts of screens who are addicted to their phones, too. And I further know people raised without TV who still don't really watch it, by choice, because they developed other interests. It seems to be more about personality and brain chemistry (and overall ATTITUDE towards screens) than actual amount.

[Anonymous]

My kid is 6.5 and gets nearly zero screen time outside of (as others have noted) public school, where there's a bit. We don't have a TV, tablet, no streaming, she doesn't get to use our phones ever, etc.

I know screens will become more of an issue in terms of fitting in, in the future (we'll reassess), but FWIW, she's very popular now, in a public school with kids who use screens frequently, and it's no big deal.

I think people often reference feeling left out if they didn't grow up with TV/etc., but fail to mention or realize that 1) they were older when they started to feel this way-- say, 8 or 9, not 4! and 2) kids today don't have the same mass media we had-- most of them don't consume the same programs and games anyway. It's more... decentralized than when The Cosby Show came on at 8 on Thursdays and you were left out if you missed it.

Anyway, I think the toddler/preschool years are both the hardest to get through without screens, and in some ways, the easiest... I'd hate to have power struggles over something that engaging/potentially addictive with a 3-year-old! But if you get through the toddler/preschool years, you have kids who can entertain themselves for longer stretches without screens... Probably this is true regardless of whether they used screens from 0-5-- or at least, true to a point. But, bottom line... you will have gotten used to a screen-free lifestyle and feel more confident without them, as a parent. And it's just so much less tempting to use them to babysit a kid of 5+, especially once they can read, but even before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in a very unusual school, a no screens rule will be very socially isolating as they age. For my son, starting in later ES, it was very common for boys to have “virtual play dates” where they meet up online to play a cooperative game, and also to want to play video games jointly at an in-person play date. I limit it so that they don’t spend the whole play date on a screen but I realize this also makes our house somewhat less attractive for kids to hang out, which runs contrary to other goals I have.
For my daughter, starting in late elementary, TV shows became a major topic of conversation which was hard for us as I didn’t want her watching those particular shows and it was isolating. Starting in middle school, the girls pretty much exclusively plan social activities via texting each other or google chat so if your daughter doesn’t have a phone, she is very likely to be shut out of many outings, inside jokes, etc. it’s aggravating but I can’t remake society. My teen daughter also uses her phone for certain apps that help her in school—a school one that tracks her assignments, a language one to help her practice her foreign language (especially helpful the year she had an awful teacher), and a math one that is helpful to avoid brain drain over the summer.

My kids have also used their screen tome to collaboratively write short stories or novellas with friends.

I think the goal is to think through what your goals are for Tech, and then use it accordingly. We also put screentime limits on everything but texts to avoid the casual slide into over-usage. It’s not easy, but I think it’s extremely difficult and ultimately short sighted to just opt out. It’s also important to balance with other interests. My kids each do two casual rec sports pretty much year round, have chores around the house, spend hours a day reading, have certain other hobbies (crafts, etc.), and we are a big board game family so there is often a game going almost every evening.

agree with above (especially parts that I bolded). I was all about zero-to-no screen time up until my children were around age 8-10....then, it simply became unsustainable (and also socially isolating, as noted above).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in a very unusual school, a no screens rule will be very socially isolating as they age. For my son, starting in later ES, it was very common for boys to have “virtual play dates” where they meet up online to play a cooperative game, and also to want to play video games jointly at an in-person play date. I limit it so that they don’t spend the whole play date on a screen but I realize this also makes our house somewhat less attractive for kids to hang out, which runs contrary to other goals I have.
For my daughter, starting in late elementary, TV shows became a major topic of conversation which was hard for us as I didn’t want her watching those particular shows and it was isolating. Starting in middle school, the girls pretty much exclusively plan social activities via texting each other or google chat so if your daughter doesn’t have a phone, she is very likely to be shut out of many outings, inside jokes, etc. it’s aggravating but I can’t remake society. My teen daughter also uses her phone for certain apps that help her in school—a school one that tracks her assignments, a language one to help her practice her foreign language (especially helpful the year she had an awful teacher), and a math one that is helpful to avoid brain drain over the summer.

My kids have also used their screen tome to collaboratively write short stories or novellas with friends.

I think the goal is to think through what your goals are for Tech, and then use it accordingly. We also put screentime limits on everything but texts to avoid the casual slide into over-usage. It’s not easy, but I think it’s extremely difficult and ultimately short sighted to just opt out. It’s also important to balance with other interests. My kids each do two casual rec sports pretty much year round, have chores around the house, spend hours a day reading, have certain other hobbies (crafts, etc.), and we are a big board game family so there is often a game going almost every evening.

agree with above (especially parts that I bolded). I was all about zero-to-no screen time up until my children were around age 8-10....then, it simply became unsustainable (and also socially isolating, as noted above).

I agree with all of this. You need to think more thoroughly than "screens are bad."

My kids are 10. They don't have phones or ipads but they watch TV on weekends (ahem, like all of us did) and have an hour of computer time on non-school days. There's a lot of media that's actually really great! DS loves "oversimplified" on youtube, for example.

School, at least ours, expects them to be able to do a math program, do research, make powerpoint slides, and logon to the school network.

We also like watching shows together as a family- the Simpsons is a current favorite. It's still funny 30 years later. We love Dr. Pol and my kids just discovered the old show, "Psych" which is perfect for them.

When they go to middle school they will probably get non-smart phones at first, but I am sure we'll head to smart phones within a year or two. It's about moderation and monitoring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 6.5 and gets nearly zero screen time outside of (as others have noted) public school, where there's a bit. We don't have a TV, tablet, no streaming, she doesn't get to use our phones ever, etc.

I know screens will become more of an issue in terms of fitting in, in the future (we'll reassess), but FWIW, she's very popular now, in a public school with kids who use screens frequently, and it's no big deal.

I think people often reference feeling left out if they didn't grow up with TV/etc., but fail to mention or realize that 1) they were older when they started to feel this way-- say, 8 or 9, not 4! and 2) kids today don't have the same mass media we had-- most of them don't consume the same programs and games anyway. It's more... decentralized than when The Cosby Show came on at 8 on Thursdays and you were left out if you missed it.

Anyway, I think the toddler/preschool years are both the hardest to get through without screens, and in some ways, the easiest... I'd hate to have power struggles over something that engaging/potentially addictive with a 3-year-old! But if you get through the toddler/preschool years, you have kids who can entertain themselves for longer stretches without screens... Probably this is true regardless of whether they used screens from 0-5-- or at least, true to a point. But, bottom line... you will have gotten used to a screen-free lifestyle and feel more confident without them, as a parent. And it's just so much less tempting to use them to babysit a kid of 5+, especially once they can read, but even before that.

It is by far the easiest. Come back to this thread when your kids are 14.