Raising your kids screen-free (or minimal screens) -- experience from parents with older kids?

[Anonymous]

My oldest is in middle school and received her first smartphone at the beginning of 7th. It started to be a battle as early as fifth grade because she was missing out on group texts her class was sending (all girls private school) and she felt out of the loop, but I held my ground. I don't believe in restricting screens too much at this age because I believe it's vitally important to head off to college understanding how to self regulate screen use and importantly to navigate social media safely. We have parental restrictions on her school issued Chromebook and her smartphone. She has to turn them in to me at 8 pm to charge in my room overnight (they also have locks shutting down internet use at that time).

I also have younger sons (late elementary) who play video games and watch youtube - they aren't as interested in tv. It's their favorite activity to do on a playdate so we do allow it although only after outdoor play i.e. towards the end of the playdate. We don't allow screens during the weekdays but weekends are pretty unrestricted. That being said, I deliberately put all my kids in a sport that helps limit the amount of free time they have after chores, instrument and homework are done which helps cut down on the screens.

I think for active kids especially, serious sports (i.e. not just rec games once a week but club level) are super helpful for regulating screen time. It really keeps them busy.

[Anonymous]

The gizmo gadget bought us several years without a smartphone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 6.5 and gets nearly zero screen time outside of (as others have noted) public school, where there's a bit. We don't have a TV, tablet, no streaming, she doesn't get to use our phones ever, etc.

I know screens will become more of an issue in terms of fitting in, in the future (we'll reassess), but FWIW, she's very popular now, in a public school with kids who use screens frequently, and it's no big deal.

I think people often reference feeling left out if they didn't grow up with TV/etc., but fail to mention or realize that 1) they were older when they started to feel this way-- say, 8 or 9, not 4! and 2) kids today don't have the same mass media we had-- most of them don't consume the same programs and games anyway. It's more... decentralized than when The Cosby Show came on at 8 on Thursdays and you were left out if you missed it.

Anyway, I think the toddler/preschool years are both the hardest to get through without screens, and in some ways, the easiest... I'd hate to have power struggles over something that engaging/potentially addictive with a 3-year-old! But if you get through the toddler/preschool years, you have kids who can entertain themselves for longer stretches without screens... Probably this is true regardless of whether they used screens from 0-5-- or at least, true to a point. But, bottom line... you will have gotten used to a screen-free lifestyle and feel more confident without them, as a parent. And it's just so much less tempting to use them to babysit a kid of 5+, especially once they can read, but even before that.

It is by far the easiest. Come back to this thread when your kids are 14.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

+1

-parent of a teen, rolling my eyes and chuckling softly.

Yes, you can make all sorts of rules when they are young, and then when they are young adults they make their own choices. That doesn’t mean you should never have had those rules. An example would be soda. I don’t allow my kids to have soda ever. I understand that when they are an adult, they may choose to have soda daily (like myself). I don’t expect my rules for them as kids to necessarily carry over into their adulthood. But I think we can all agree soda isn’t good for kids. It’s not a bad rule when they are young.

Are you saying you don't allow your kids to have soda ever until they are adults?

No, that’s not at all what I said. My point was about that rules when they are young don’t necessairly carry over to adulthood. Meaning, the kids may not internalize them and may decide to be soda drinkers.

My kids are 9 and 6 now. I’d probably allow some soda around high school.

[Anonymous]

No soda ever? Do your kids never go to a damn birthday party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No soda ever? Do your kids never go to a damn birthday party?

Soda has never been served to kids at the birthday parties. It’s always been juice, lemonade, or water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No soda ever? Do your kids never go to a damn birthday party?

Soda has never been served to kids at the birthday parties. It’s always been juice, lemonade, or water.

This. And I lived in rural Ohio until my oldest was in third grade.

[Anonymous]

Not here. Parties have soda.

[Anonymous]

The issue of socializing aside, what evidence do those of you who give your 12-year-olds smartphones have for advantaging them “when they get to college” over kids who get smartphones at 14, or 16?

I started giving my kid an allowance at 4, but in retrospect, she wasn’t developmentally able to start to learn how to manage her money until she was more like 6– but even 8 or 10 probably would have been more than fine. I believe in the power of allowance to help her understand money, but there is going to be zero difference between her and someone who didn’t get an allowance until 8 or something. There probably IS a difference between a kid who got an allowance before 10 and one who never had any of her own money to manage, or who got an allowance only by 14 or 16. But the point is— while I agree a kid should get some experience with a smartphone or whatever before 18, there is no evidence that It advantages them to get one at 11 vs 15 or whatever. More isn’t always better, and we do have evidence to suggest that younger kids suffer some DISadvantages when using smartphones, which are gamified, designed to be addictive, portals to a very wide world, etc.

[Anonymous]

Kids are going to drink in college, so— if it were legal (and where it is)— why not let them do it under your supervision, in moderation, of course, when they are 18? Why not 16? Why not even younger? Same for sex. Same for driving. Same for staying at home overnight. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in this boat, too, though my kids are younger. We were doing really well until baby 2 came along. Now our older son gets between 60 and 90 minutes of screen time a week. I’m hoping to cut back once we are done breastfeeding.

When I taught, I noticed that the language varied between families. The better behaved kids tended not to own technology in late elementary. Instead, they spoke about “the family iPad” or “ mom’s phone”. Obviously not a hard and fast rule, just an anecdote.

OP here. You're in survival mode, wouldn't sweat it! I think the main thing is the family culture like you said, not number of minutes clocked in any given period. Btw not sure if your son will be into this, but mine loved books on tape for that second baby period also. There are so many good ones nowadays -- all the Arnold Lobel, James Herriot, Curious George treasury, etc. I would get the books as well so he could look at pictures at the same time.

We were so purist about screen time until we had a second kid. Then all bets were off...

Don't be down on yourself PP. Even with one kid all bets are off once they start elementary.. they have friends who have xbox at home or hear things from older kids..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

+1

-parent of a teen, rolling my eyes and chuckling softly.

Yes, you can make all sorts of rules when they are young, and then when they are young adults they make their own choices. That doesn’t mean you should never have had those rules. An example would be soda. I don’t allow my kids to have soda ever. I understand that when they are an adult, they may choose to have soda daily (like myself). I don’t expect my rules for them as kids to necessarily carry over into their adulthood. But I think we can all agree soda isn’t good for kids. It’s not a bad rule when they are young.

Are you saying you don't allow your kids to have soda ever until they are adults?

No, that’s not at all what I said. My point was about that rules when they are young don’t necessairly carry over to adulthood. Meaning, the kids may not internalize them and may decide to be soda drinkers.

My kids are 9 and 6 now. I’d probably allow some soda around high school.

That's good. Because when your kids are in high school, the drink you worry about is unlikely to be ... soda.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 10 and 12. We were very restrictive with screen time when they were younger. They’ve never sat down and watched a TV show, for example, although we do watch live sports and they’ve seen movies in the theater and at home. They have no game / YouTube time on school days, and half an hour each on non-school days.

The older one got a smart phone at 12. We check it periodically. It’s mostly used for reading books, listening to audiobooks, and the most godawful inane group chats with friends. We don’t specifically restrict phone time because it hasn’t been an issue, and because I remember spending hours on the phone with friends at that age. DC is a rule follower in general, has been drilled on internet safety at school and home, and takes the rules to heart. DC does not use any social media. We’ll make adjustments over time as needed.

I’m glad we restricted screen time early on because both kids know how to entertain themselves without a screen. They play how we did growing up - mucking around outside, reading, legos, crafts, writing and putting on plays, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue of socializing aside, what evidence do those of you who give your 12-year-olds smartphones have for advantaging them “when they get to college” over kids who get smartphones at 14, or 16?

I started giving my kid an allowance at 4, but in retrospect, she wasn’t developmentally able to start to learn how to manage her money until she was more like 6– but even 8 or 10 probably would have been more than fine. I believe in the power of allowance to help her understand money, but there is going to be zero difference between her and someone who didn’t get an allowance until 8 or something. There probably IS a difference between a kid who got an allowance before 10 and one who never had any of her own money to manage, or who got an allowance only by 14 or 16. But the point is— while I agree a kid should get some experience with a smartphone or whatever before 18, there is no evidence that It advantages them to get one at 11 vs 15 or whatever. More isn’t always better, and we do have evidence to suggest that younger kids suffer some DISadvantages when using smartphones, which are gamified, designed to be addictive, portals to a very wide world, etc.

That many more years of use under strict parental controls. Can I cite a study? Of course not, doubt anyone has financed a study to look into the question you are describing. But as a parent, I prefer to have more years of use while I am guiding and influencing my child - and frankly my influence is stronger for a preteen than a rebellious, more secretive teen. My preteen still wants to hear my opinion on why I refrain from social media, why I don't post pictures on Instagram when I travel, why I take the phone at 8 pm. A teen won't have that time of guiding relationship with a parent, and even if you do have that, you're talking about learning smartphone use in just a couple of years before they are adults and out of your home. That's not good enough for me, but you do you. All parents have different philosophies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are going to drink in college, so— if it were legal (and where it is)— why not let them do it under your supervision, in moderation, of course, when they are 18? Why not 16? Why not even younger? Same for sex. Same for driving. Same for staying at home overnight. Right?

I am not a fan of the 21 year drinking age - that's its own discussion.

Driving? Well yes, they will be driving in college, it's the most dangerous thing our kids will do, and I absolutely want to have them start at home where I can guide them and talk to them about safety and lead by example and see their driving in action as they learn. That's why we have learners permits given out as young as we do.

Not sure what you mean by staying at home overnight.