Raising your kids screen-free (or minimal screens) -- experience from parents with older kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boys play a fair amount of video games, but they always prefer going outside to play. They play a good amount of board games and nerf wars & dodgeball in the basement when the weather is bad.

We never put strict limits on screens or made a big deal out of it. We don't harp on healthy eating nor count grams of sugar. Somehow they know not to sit around eating pop tarts & chips all day.

It's harder to parent & raise children who can recognize & live an overall healthy lifestyle of moderation than to siply say No, we don't allow screen time or sugar in our house. Those parents are the ones who have children stuffing their faces with candy & pop at friends' houses.

I think it is largely temperament, but habits play a role. We didn’t give our oldest sugar until he was 2 or 3. But by that point he decided he didn’t have a sweet tooth. Trying to give him candy was hilarious — he acted like we were trying to poison him. To this day he won’t touch candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. He gets excited about vegetables and fruits. Is that due to parenting or temperament? Not sure, TBH.

It is all just anecdata, anyway. For every family like yours there is another one whose kids are addicted to sugar and screentime. Personally, knowing that processed food and certain kinds of platforms/games are deliberately designed to be addictive, I think that if you aren’t somewhat disciplined about instilling good habits and your kids have an addictive personality or other issues you may run into trouble. Addictions don’t surface when things are going well. They are insidious. I worked closely with college kids in a residential setting for almost a decade, and the rate of people who struggled with their work due to screen addiction was alarmingly high. When kids confront a situation of stress unlike what they have known before they go looking for familiar coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boys play a fair amount of video games, but they always prefer going outside to play. They play a good amount of board games and nerf wars & dodgeball in the basement when the weather is bad.

We never put strict limits on screens or made a big deal out of it. We don't harp on healthy eating nor count grams of sugar. Somehow they know not to sit around eating pop tarts & chips all day.

It's harder to parent & raise children who can recognize & live an overall healthy lifestyle of moderation than to siply say No, we don't allow screen time or sugar in our house. Those parents are the ones who have children stuffing their faces with candy & pop at friends' houses.

This is us, we don’t have strict limits on these things either. My kids don’t throw fits for screen time or for candy. They love to play outside and are very active. If things change and they start sitting around watching spongebob and drinking mt dew, we will readjust. But for now, laid back works for us.

Yeah, if their behavior starts to change, then we'll address, but my oldest is in college and my youngest is 10 so I'm confident that our approach works.

I love the parents who proudly state that their children don't play video games ever. Then they get around to adding they don't even own a game system. Congrats, I guess? My children have never forgotten to feed or walk the dog. I mean, we've never owned one, but my kids are so awesome for never forgetting to take care of it.

Not sure I get the analogy. Gaming has been recognized by the WHO as a disease. There are tons of researchers, experts in the field of addiction, who research this. Social media leads to increased rates of depression and anxiety among teens. This is all documented by extensive empirical study and millions of dollars are being spent every year trying to address it. Shrug it off if you want, but I wouldn’t leave highly addictive things around kids with developing brains and hope they learn to moderate themselves. Addiction isn’t a matter of will. Addictive behaviors alter your brain chemistry and functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boys play a fair amount of video games, but they always prefer going outside to play. They play a good amount of board games and nerf wars & dodgeball in the basement when the weather is bad.

We never put strict limits on screens or made a big deal out of it. We don't harp on healthy eating nor count grams of sugar. Somehow they know not to sit around eating pop tarts & chips all day.

It's harder to parent & raise children who can recognize & live an overall healthy lifestyle of moderation than to siply say No, we don't allow screen time or sugar in our house. Those parents are the ones who have children stuffing their faces with candy & pop at friends' houses.

I think it is largely temperament, but habits play a role. We didn’t give our oldest sugar until he was 2 or 3. But by that point he decided he didn’t have a sweet tooth. Trying to give him candy was hilarious — he acted like we were trying to poison him. To this day he won’t touch candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. He gets excited about vegetables and fruits. Is that due to parenting or temperament? Not sure, TBH.

It is all just anecdata, anyway. For every family like yours there is another one whose kids are addicted to sugar and screentime. Personally, knowing that processed food and certain kinds of platforms/games are deliberately designed to be addictive, I think that if you aren’t somewhat disciplined about instilling good habits and your kids have an addictive personality or other issues you may run into trouble. Addictions don’t surface when things are going well. They are insidious. I worked closely with college kids in a residential setting for almost a decade, and the rate of people who struggled with their work due to screen addiction was alarmingly high. When kids confront a situation of stress unlike what they have known before they go looking for familiar coping mechanisms.

I have 3 children, one who is in college actually. It's not by accident or due to temperament that they all don't stare at screens screens & eat junk non stop. It's modeling a healthy lifestyle & not being overly strict. It takes a little work, but it's a parenting style. Somehow my DD played a college sport, struggled with the death of a teammate, maintained a 4.0, held an internship on the weekend & worked for the university without resorting to shutting down in front of her or overeating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

Thank you! This was my reaction as well. I would focus a little more on compassion PP. You and your daughter sound awful.

8th grade teacher here: those are words of a normal 14 year old. They are fairly mean peaking in 8th grade and slowly become more compassionate.

Very slowly. Yet to happen to the parent who posted this as a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boys play a fair amount of video games, but they always prefer going outside to play. They play a good amount of board games and nerf wars & dodgeball in the basement when the weather is bad.

We never put strict limits on screens or made a big deal out of it. We don't harp on healthy eating nor count grams of sugar. Somehow they know not to sit around eating pop tarts & chips all day.

It's harder to parent & raise children who can recognize & live an overall healthy lifestyle of moderation than to siply say No, we don't allow screen time or sugar in our house. Those parents are the ones who have children stuffing their faces with candy & pop at friends' houses.

This is us, we don’t have strict limits on these things either. My kids don’t throw fits for screen time or for candy. They love to play outside and are very active. If things change and they start sitting around watching spongebob and drinking mt dew, we will readjust. But for now, laid back works for us.

Yeah, if their behavior starts to change, then we'll address, but my oldest is in college and my youngest is 10 so I'm confident that our approach works.

I love the parents who proudly state that their children don't play video games ever. Then they get around to adding they don't even own a game system. Congrats, I guess? My children have never forgotten to feed or walk the dog. I mean, we've never owned one, but my kids are so awesome for never forgetting to take care of it.

Not sure I get the analogy. Gaming has been recognized by the WHO as a disease. There are tons of researchers, experts in the field of addiction, who research this. Social media leads to increased rates of depression and anxiety among teens. This is all documented by extensive empirical study and millions of dollars are being spent every year trying to address it. Shrug it off if you want, but I wouldn’t leave highly addictive things around kids with developing brains and hope they learn to moderate themselves. Addiction isn’t a matter of will. Addictive behaviors alter your brain chemistry and functioning.

K. Video games aren't meth. lol Obesity is a disease. I usually have cookies in the house yet none of us are overweight. And I don't hope my children don't become addicted to gaming. I model & teach moderation. I find it more impressive that a parent can teach their children to moderate screen time rather than one who just bans it. The dog thing was a joke. Your kids don't stay up at night gaming bc you don't have an xbox. Wow. My don't bc they are tired from playing outside all night and now playing monopoly in the same room as the addictive xbox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m noticing an awful lot of defensive people who think screens are mostly necessary and fine. Ask yourselves why you’re being so defensive. Ask yourselves why your kids can’t get through a meal out or a flight or one goddamn day without a screen. It’s unhealthy. And I say this as a person with a problematic relationship with her phone.

I'm one of the pps who said moderation is key and noted that my kids play games online with their cousins on the west coast.

FTR, we have never brought screens to a restaurant or on vacation (not even flights). We talk to eachother rather than rely on screens. But my kids do play video games, watch spongebob, etc. I find it interesting how the no screens/minimal screens parents seem to rely on screens as crutches for travel or waiting rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a child in my DS's 4th grade class that had to opt out of online math homework and complete printed assignments instead. He also had to draw google slide presentations on paper. He didn't attend a Dave & Busters birthday party bc he wasn't allowed to play video games.

I understand not wanting your child glued to youtube or playing fortnite 24/7, but there is a middle ground. These parents were weird. Don't be that parent.

Yes, obviously this is strange.

What is equally bad, however, is that many schools don't actually require their students to WRITE with their HANDS. We already know that typing dulls your thought process and writing is far better when done by hand. To do this to a developing child is horrible. My kids are in elementary, but there is no way they will go to a school where their notes are taken on computers, their homework is all done on computers from the start, etc. I don't want to raise an uncreative, robotic idiot.

Um. Citation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

Thank you! This was my reaction as well. I would focus a little more on compassion PP. You and your daughter sound awful.

8th grade teacher here: those are words of a normal 14 year old. They are fairly mean peaking in 8th grade and slowly become more compassionate.

Very slowly. Yet to happen to the parent who posted this as a joke.

There’s not a thing wrong in the world with this statement. You people need to get over yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boys play a fair amount of video games, but they always prefer going outside to play. They play a good amount of board games and nerf wars & dodgeball in the basement when the weather is bad.

We never put strict limits on screens or made a big deal out of it. We don't harp on healthy eating nor count grams of sugar. Somehow they know not to sit around eating pop tarts & chips all day.

It's harder to parent & raise children who can recognize & live an overall healthy lifestyle of moderation than to siply say No, we don't allow screen time or sugar in our house. Those parents are the ones who have children stuffing their faces with candy & pop at friends' houses.

This is us, we don’t have strict limits on these things either. My kids don’t throw fits for screen time or for candy. They love to play outside and are very active. If things change and they start sitting around watching spongebob and drinking mt dew, we will readjust. But for now, laid back works for us.

Yeah, if their behavior starts to change, then we'll address, but my oldest is in college and my youngest is 10 so I'm confident that our approach works.

I love the parents who proudly state that their children don't play video games ever. Then they get around to adding they don't even own a game system. Congrats, I guess? My children have never forgotten to feed or walk the dog. I mean, we've never owned one, but my kids are so awesome for never forgetting to take care of it.

Not sure I get the analogy. Gaming has been recognized by the WHO as a disease. There are tons of researchers, experts in the field of addiction, who research this. Social media leads to increased rates of depression and anxiety among teens. This is all documented by extensive empirical study and millions of dollars are being spent every year trying to address it. Shrug it off if you want, but I wouldn’t leave highly addictive things around kids with developing brains and hope they learn to moderate themselves. Addiction isn’t a matter of will. Addictive behaviors alter your brain chemistry and functioning.

K. Video games aren't meth. lol Obesity is a disease. I usually have cookies in the house yet none of us are overweight. And I don't hope my children don't become addicted to gaming. I model & teach moderation. I find it more impressive that a parent can teach their children to moderate screen time rather than one who just bans it. The dog thing was a joke. Your kids don't stay up at night gaming bc you don't have an xbox. Wow. My don't bc they are tired from playing outside all night and now playing monopoly in the same room as the addictive xbox.

Some of our relatives have that line about teaching their kids moderation. They have three kids also, and every one of them loves their screens. One is a competitive athlete, one a dancer, etc. But as you go down the line to the youngest you see more and more issues with attention and developmental delays. You realize that the oldest got the least screentime and as more kids came, the parents resorted to screens as babysitters because they lacked the energy to engage with all three and to give the last one what they gave the first. Whether we are on vacation somewhere new or at their house, we inevitably see the kids zoning out in front of TV vs playing imaginative games or socializing, and there are definitely tantrums and family tension over how much it is used. The difference in birth order and screentime is also marked. The older one might pull out an art project. The middle is nearly always on a device. The youngest can’t sleep or self-soothe without videos and the parents just throw it at her to basically get a break.

Totally normal. But I think when you feel that defensive about rationalizing your parenting you need to take a look at why you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

Thank you! This was my reaction as well. I would focus a little more on compassion PP. You and your daughter sound awful.

8th grade teacher here: those are words of a normal 14 year old. They are fairly mean peaking in 8th grade and slowly become more compassionate.

Very slowly. Yet to happen to the parent who posted this as a joke.

There’s not a thing wrong in the world with this statement. You people need to get over yourselves.

There is something terribly wrong with you if you think the daughter’s categorization of her classmate was acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think this thread is funny because it's on DCUM? I mean a whole bunch of parents waxing poetic about the evils of screens and the internet on an internet board?

My kids are older and I'm not screen free so I probably don't have much to add to this conversation except that my kids are both in high school and both good kids. I don't regret my very relaxed screen time policy.

Of course, I have other parenting regrets or things I feel like I could have done better (for example, my kids are kind of picky eaters - I should have exposed or otherwise forced more variety) but I do think this whole thing is funny and is a bunch of parents who love the internet trying to convince their kids it's not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 and 14. The 14 yr old got a smart phone when she started high school,, and as she put it "Even the boy who wears the same sweatpants every day and has no friends because he only makes moose noises has a phone."

The reality is, kids make their plans with each other via phone. Teachers expect kids to have cell phones. So she has one, and there are a lot of rules attached.

She does not realize this, but she is VERY busy for a reason. She has minimal time to sit around with her head in a screen. The 11 yr old is still seeing almost no screens.

Wow. I hope you immediately changed the subject from her getting a from to how she can practice being a more compassionate human being. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my children said something like that.

Thank you! This was my reaction as well. I would focus a little more on compassion PP. You and your daughter sound awful.

8th grade teacher here: those are words of a normal 14 year old. They are fairly mean peaking in 8th grade and slowly become more compassionate.

Very slowly. Yet to happen to the parent who posted this as a joke.

There’s not a thing wrong in the world with this statement. You people need to get over yourselves.

There is something terribly wrong with you if you think the daughter’s categorization of her classmate was acceptable.

You must be insufferable. I’m ok with this statement in its entirety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone think this thread is funny because it's on DCUM? I mean a whole bunch of parents waxing poetic about the evils of screens and the internet on an internet board?

My kids are older and I'm not screen free so I probably don't have much to add to this conversation except that my kids are both in high school and both good kids. I don't regret my very relaxed screen time policy.

Of course, I have other parenting regrets or things I feel like I could have done better (for example, my kids are kind of picky eaters - I should have exposed or otherwise forced more variety) but I do think this whole thing is funny and is a bunch of parents who love the internet trying to convince their kids it's not ok.

It's pretty funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a child in my DS's 4th grade class that had to opt out of online math homework and complete printed assignments instead. He also had to draw google slide presentations on paper. He didn't attend a Dave & Busters birthday party bc he wasn't allowed to play video games.

I understand not wanting your child glued to youtube or playing fortnite 24/7, but there is a middle ground. These parents were weird. Don't be that parent.

Yes, obviously this is strange.

What is equally bad, however, is that many schools don't actually require their students to WRITE with their HANDS. We already know that typing dulls your thought process and writing is far better when done by hand. To do this to a developing child is horrible. My kids are in elementary, but there is no way they will go to a school where their notes are taken on computers, their homework is all done on computers from the start, etc. I don't want to raise an uncreative, robotic idiot.

Um. Citation?

Even if she had a citation, I wouldn’t trust the study. I’m a lefty who always had trouble hand writing. I taught myself touch typing through a computer program in 1985 and have typed virtually everything since then. I went to Yale. Most people consider my writing pretty good. Plenty of professional authors also write on computers. When I have to hand write, the mental energy of physically writing detracts from my thought process, whereas with touch typing the words just flow out. (I do hate typing with my thumbs, which is what I’m doing now!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 6 and 2 year old are basically screen free, with the exception of the occasional YouTube video (usually of something real, like music performance, nature, trucks) and FaceTime with grandparents. 6 year old has seen 2-3 short (~30 min) movies, maybe 1x a month. iPad for travel with limited apps.

We would like to continue more or less minimizing screen time. I'm wondering whether parents with older kids can give me a sense of how this goes as they get older. Eventually we'd like to add in a movie night once every few weeks but not social media or unlimited YouTube viewing. Is this realistic, and how does it work with kids socially as they get older?

What is your objective with this? Screens are an important part of our popular culture, a key way for connecting and socializing and educational. So, I'm trying to understand what you are trying to achieve.