Raising your kids screen-free (or minimal screens) -- experience from parents with older kids?

[Anonymous]

Basically just get off your phone yourself. The number of parents looking at their phones instead of their kids is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m noticing an awful lot of defensive people who think screens are mostly necessary and fine. Ask yourselves why you’re being so defensive. Ask yourselves why your kids can’t get through a meal out or a flight or one goddamn day without a screen. It’s unhealthy. And I say this as a person with a problematic relationship with her phone.

I'm one of the pps who said moderation is key and noted that my kids play games online with their cousins on the west coast.

FTR, we have never brought screens to a restaurant or on vacation (not even flights). We talk to eachother rather than rely on screens. But my kids do play video games, watch spongebob, etc. I find it interesting how the no screens/minimal screens parents seem to rely on screens as crutches for travel or waiting rooms.

I always find this funny too. Watching screens during car rides I get. Giving a kid an iPad while you are in the middle of your own doctors appointment, I get. But I don’t understand the restaurant/waiting room/plane ride thing.

I like to watch TV and movies with my kids. DH likes to play video games with them, and they play with each other. I let them watch TV on their own when I am getting stuff done around the house. But when we are at a restaurant or on a flight, I literally have nothing else I need to do but play with/read to/talk to my younger kids. My older kids typically have homework they need to get done during the flight, but if not, then they read or talk. It just seems like such an odd time to pull out a movie. Even more so if it’s the ONLY time you ever watch movies.

Do you not watch a movie on a plane when you fly alone? This seems like a weird stance. The movie in the car is what I don't get!

I don’t watch movies when I fly alone, but I don’t think it’s odd if you do unless that is literally the ONLY time you ever watch movies.
And I get movies for kids in the car because the adult has to drive the car, which is kind of a dangerous thing to do, and they need to focus on the road, not a crying three year old. But on the plane, you are just sitting there with nothing else to do. Why is this the ONLY time you will let your child watch a movie?

Why is it weird if the only time I can sit down and watch a movie start to finish is when I'm on a plane?

In the car you've got the radio/music as loud as you want, and stuff constantly passing outside the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

Lol - ok enjoy being your child’s only friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

How can they text her on a non-smart phone when she doesn't have a phone? And what does "the millions of ways of keeping in touch that everyone nowadays has" mean if not technology/screens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m noticing an awful lot of defensive people who think screens are mostly necessary and fine. Ask yourselves why you’re being so defensive. Ask yourselves why your kids can’t get through a meal out or a flight or one goddamn day without a screen. It’s unhealthy. And I say this as a person with a problematic relationship with her phone.

I'm one of the pps who said moderation is key and noted that my kids play games online with their cousins on the west coast.

FTR, we have never brought screens to a restaurant or on vacation (not even flights). We talk to eachother rather than rely on screens. But my kids do play video games, watch spongebob, etc. I find it interesting how the no screens/minimal screens parents seem to rely on screens as crutches for travel or waiting rooms.

I always find this funny too. Watching screens during car rides I get. Giving a kid an iPad while you are in the middle of your own doctors appointment, I get. But I don’t understand the restaurant/waiting room/plane ride thing.

I like to watch TV and movies with my kids. DH likes to play video games with them, and they play with each other. I let them watch TV on their own when I am getting stuff done around the house. But when we are at a restaurant or on a flight, I literally have nothing else I need to do but play with/read to/talk to my younger kids. My older kids typically have homework they need to get done during the flight, but if not, then they read or talk. It just seems like such an odd time to pull out a movie. Even more so if it’s the ONLY time you ever watch movies.

Do you not watch a movie on a plane when you fly alone? This seems like a weird stance. The movie in the car is what I don't get!

I don’t watch movies when I fly alone, but I don’t think it’s odd if you do unless that is literally the ONLY time you ever watch movies.
And I get movies for kids in the car because the adult has to drive the car, which is kind of a dangerous thing to do, and they need to focus on the road, not a crying three year old. But on the plane, you are just sitting there with nothing else to do. Why is this the ONLY time you will let your child watch a movie?

Why is it weird if the only time I can sit down and watch a movie start to finish is when I'm on a plane?

In the car you've got the radio/music as loud as you want, and stuff constantly passing outside the window.

So you really never watch television or movies at home, but you always watch them when you are on a plane? Yes. I think that’s odd.

You can listen to music and look out the window on the plane as well. You can also read, write, sleep, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

How can they text her on a non-smart phone when she doesn't have a phone? And what does "the millions of ways of keeping in touch that everyone nowadays has" mean if not technology/screens?

No one said anything about not having a phone. We're talking about all the time that gets sucked on apps, social media, web browsing, etc. as well as the culture that goes along with people socializing mainly on platforms instead of in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

Yeah, that's not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you but there’s a big gap between knowing that and dealing with a 13 year old girl crying that she has no friends and is so lonely because all the girls make plans to go to the mall or movies or hang out at someone’s house via texting or WhatsApp or whatever and she didn’t get invited because she doesn’t have a phone and no one will put a mom onto the text chain. Maybe the rich folks in Silicon Valley don’t have that problem because their teens have servants who plan their social calendars? I dunno. But I’m raising kids in the world I live in, and I think there’s very little that’s black and white about any of this.

Well, the Silicon Valley folks I know send their kids to screen-free private schools, so I'm guessing they socialize their kids with like-minded parents. They probably also plan to involve them with sports, music, theater, etc. Things that take up hours after school and give you a real life basis for relationships.

To some extent that is what would need to happen for your child to have a community. I agree with you that it's not black and white. However, I think if my 13 year old was crying because all her friends were out late drinking with 16 year old boys and she had no life because she couldn't go, I'd be OK with that.

Not sure how you made the leap between 13 year olds wanting to hang out at each other's houses and 13 year olds being out late night drinking with older boys.

If they are real friends they will be willing to text her on a non-smart phone. Or call the house phone number and ask her if she is around. Or give her a heads up at school. Or drop her an e-mail. If they don't care enough about having her there enough to use the millions of getting in touch that everyone nowadays has, maybe they aren't really her real friends.

How can they text her on a non-smart phone when she doesn't have a phone? And what does "the millions of ways of keeping in touch that everyone nowadays has" mean if not technology/screens?

No one said anything about not having a phone. We're talking about all the time that gets sucked on apps, social media, web browsing, etc. as well as the culture that goes along with people socializing mainly on platforms instead of in person.

The phrase because she doesn’t have a phone was bolded in the comments you just quoted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

[Anonymous]

I was raised screen free back in the 1970s.

As a teen, I found it really hard because I didn't know any of the TV shows or movies that everyone was talking about. I also wasn't allowed music and that was something else people talked about. It didn't make me isolated, I still had lots of friends but it did make me feel like a foreigner.

As an adult, I still find people often reference nostalgically shows from the 80s etc and I don't share those experiences.

It had no impact on how much time I spent on screens once I was an adult and left home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

+1

-parent of a teen, rolling my eyes and chuckling softly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

+1

-parent of a teen, rolling my eyes and chuckling softly.

Yes, you can make all sorts of rules when they are young, and then when they are young adults they make their own choices. That doesn’t mean you should never have had those rules. An example would be soda. I don’t allow my kids to have soda ever. I understand that when they are an adult, they may choose to have soda daily (like myself). I don’t expect my rules for them as kids to necessarily carry over into their adulthood. But I think we can all agree soda isn’t good for kids. It’s not a bad rule when they are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can make all your dumb little no screens rules when kids are young, but they'll just double down on technology when they become tweens.

My all wood toys, no screen niece and nephew never look up from their phones as young adults.

Amen sister.

I laugh at these rules.

+1

-parent of a teen, rolling my eyes and chuckling softly.

Yes, you can make all sorts of rules when they are young, and then when they are young adults they make their own choices. That doesn’t mean you should never have had those rules. An example would be soda. I don’t allow my kids to have soda ever. I understand that when they are an adult, they may choose to have soda daily (like myself). I don’t expect my rules for them as kids to necessarily carry over into their adulthood. But I think we can all agree soda isn’t good for kids. It’s not a bad rule when they are young.

Are you saying you don't allow your kids to have soda ever until they are adults?