Raising your kids screen-free (or minimal screens) -- experience from parents with older kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS I just did that long post. Forgot to mention I still don’t allow “social media” or YouTube. YouTube is just the worst as there’s really no limits on what people can put on there. I think it’s like asking the random folks on a public bus to babysit your kids. Sure, they might learn something but odds are it won’t be something great.

You have your head in the sand if you think those online games are safe.

I honestly can’t believe how many of you think smart phones are ok for children. If they need to call or text, give them a dumb phone. There are cool ones out there for kids. I watched too much tv in hs and in hindsight realize how detrimental that was to me. Cannot imagine having a smart phone then.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your 6 year old in school? I have a rising first grader in FCPS and screens are everywhere. They use smartboards, watch videos, do testing on ipads, and have access to ipads at free time. I'm not happy about it, but I toured some local private schools and on every tour at least one class was watching a full-length movie during the day. So, I think that in school it's unavoidable.

We have limited screen time at home. The best strategy I have stumbled upon is keeping the TV in a different room than the one you use most frequently -- for us, in a small room with limited seating, rather than the main living/dining area where the comfy couch is. That way the TV is not constantly visible and tempting.

However, I find that a show can be a good way for DD to wind down after a long hot day at camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 6.5 and gets nearly zero screen time outside of (as others have noted) public school, where there's a bit. We don't have a TV, tablet, no streaming, she doesn't get to use our phones ever, etc.

I know screens will become more of an issue in terms of fitting in, in the future (we'll reassess), but FWIW, she's very popular now, in a public school with kids who use screens frequently, and it's no big deal.

I think people often reference feeling left out if they didn't grow up with TV/etc., but fail to mention or realize that 1) they were older when they started to feel this way-- say, 8 or 9, not 4! and 2) kids today don't have the same mass media we had-- most of them don't consume the same programs and games anyway. It's more... decentralized than when The Cosby Show came on at 8 on Thursdays and you were left out if you missed it.

Anyway, I think the toddler/preschool years are both the hardest to get through without screens, and in some ways, the easiest... I'd hate to have power struggles over something that engaging/potentially addictive with a 3-year-old! But if you get through the toddler/preschool years, you have kids who can entertain themselves for longer stretches without screens... Probably this is true regardless of whether they used screens from 0-5-- or at least, true to a point. But, bottom line... you will have gotten used to a screen-free lifestyle and feel more confident without them, as a parent. And it's just so much less tempting to use them to babysit a kid of 5+, especially once they can read, but even before that.

It is by far the easiest. Come back to this thread when your kids are 14.

You missed my point, I think, which had more to do with using screens as babysitters (which is what people are doing when they use them to "catch a break" etc.) I understand that it's basically impossible to keep your kids from screens as teenagers, but I'm responding to the prevailing CW about parental plans that goes "Oh, we all thought that we'd do no screens, but you NEED them sometimes! What if the kid is sick?! Or has to travel?! Or you just need a break?!"

I'm saying it's hardest/easiest for the parents to forego screens when your kids are 0-5 and can't self-entertain as well as they will later. Not addressing the pull from kids and their peers when it comes to socializing/school needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in a very unusual school, a no screens rule will be very socially isolating as they age. For my son, starting in later ES, it was very common for boys to have “virtual play dates” where they meet up online to play a cooperative game, and also to want to play video games jointly at an in-person play date. I limit it so that they don’t spend the whole play date on a screen but I realize this also makes our house somewhat less attractive for kids to hang out, which runs contrary to other goals I have.
For my daughter, starting in late elementary, TV shows became a major topic of conversation which was hard for us as I didn’t want her watching those particular shows and it was isolating. Starting in middle school, the girls pretty much exclusively plan social activities via texting each other or google chat so if your daughter doesn’t have a phone, she is very likely to be shut out of many outings, inside jokes, etc. it’s aggravating but I can’t remake society. My teen daughter also uses her phone for certain apps that help her in school—a school one that tracks her assignments, a language one to help her practice her foreign language (especially helpful the year she had an awful teacher), and a math one that is helpful to avoid brain drain over the summer.

My kids have also used their screen tome to collaboratively write short stories or novellas with friends.

I think the goal is to think through what your goals are for Tech, and then use it accordingly. We also put screentime limits on everything but texts to avoid the casual slide into over-usage. It’s not easy, but I think it’s extremely difficult and ultimately short sighted to just opt out. It’s also important to balance with other interests. My kids each do two casual rec sports pretty much year round, have chores around the house, spend hours a day reading, have certain other hobbies (crafts, etc.), and we are a big board game family so there is often a game going almost every evening.

agree with above (especially parts that I bolded). I was all about zero-to-no screen time up until my children were around age 8-10....then, it simply became unsustainable (and also socially isolating, as noted above).

I agree with all of this. You need to think more thoroughly than "screens are bad."

My kids are 10. They don't have phones or ipads but they watch TV on weekends (ahem, like all of us did) and have an hour of computer time on non-school days. There's a lot of media that's actually really great! DS loves "oversimplified" on youtube, for example.

School, at least ours, expects them to be able to do a math program, do research, make powerpoint slides, and logon to the school network.

We also like watching shows together as a family- the Simpsons is a current favorite. It's still funny 30 years later. We love Dr. Pol and my kids just discovered the old show, "Psych" which is perfect for them.

When they go to middle school they will probably get non-smart phones at first, but I am sure we'll head to smart phones within a year or two. It's about moderation and monitoring.

What if-- and I know this is almost impossible to imagine!-- those of us whose kids get zero-to-little screen time have a thought in our heads other than OMG SCREENS BAD!?!?!?!

What if we've thoughtfully considered the pros and cons and find that this is the best choice for our families, and we don't "fear" screens irrationally, nor in any other way?

I'm pretty tired of the conception of low-screen parents as panicked luddites who will "learn their lesson" in "the real world." Yeah, no kidding, if the only reason to avoid screens were that they were OMG!EVIL, lead to a life of crime and an IQ reduction of 40 points, then, sure, that's pretty easy to disprove.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teaching moderation is good.

Moderation is a highly subjective and nearly meaningless concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What if-- and I know this is almost impossible to imagine!-- those of us whose kids get zero-to-little screen time have a thought in our heads other than OMG SCREENS BAD!?!?!?!

What if we've thoughtfully considered the pros and cons and find that this is the best choice for our families, and we don't "fear" screens irrationally, nor in any other way?

I'm pretty tired of the conception of low-screen parents as panicked luddites who will "learn their lesson" in "the real world." Yeah, no kidding, if the only reason to avoid screens were that they were OMG!EVIL, lead to a life of crime and an IQ reduction of 40 points, then, sure, that's pretty easy to disprove.

I (and probably many others here) don't think low-screentime parents are crazy or panicked. As for zero-screentime parents...I just wonder how and why you do it.
I used to strive for little to no screentime for my kids, but soon found that it was not possible. For one, my husband was not on board. Also, when the kids went to friends' houses, stayed with grandparents, got invited to a movie with friends, etc....there just didn't seem to be a way to entirely avoid screens. And then we started to get into situations where the kids were feeling left out with friends because they didn't know anything about the popular shows, movies, etc. Zero screentime became more of a bad thing than a good thing.

I still try to at least limit screentime, but it's like swimming upstream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your 6 year old in school? I have a rising first grader in FCPS and screens are everywhere. They use smartboards, watch videos, do testing on ipads, and have access to ipads at free time. I'm not happy about it, but I toured some local private schools and on every tour at least one class was watching a full-length movie during the day. So, I think that in school it's unavoidable.

We have limited screen time at home. The best strategy I have stumbled upon is keeping the TV in a different room than the one you use most frequently -- for us, in a small room with limited seating, rather than the main living/dining area where the comfy couch is. That way the TV is not constantly visible and tempting.

However, I find that a show can be a good way for DD to wind down after a long hot day at camp.

Yes. Progressive private school that seeks to minimize screens and maximize time out doors exploring. So some of the social/educational issues may be addressed through that. I think electronics used during the school day are confisticated up until high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in a very unusual school, a no screens rule will be very socially isolating as they age. For my son, starting in later ES, it was very common for boys to have “virtual play dates” where they meet up online to play a cooperative game, and also to want to play video games jointly at an in-person play date. I limit it so that they don’t spend the whole play date on a screen but I realize this also makes our house somewhat less attractive for kids to hang out, which runs contrary to other goals I have.
For my daughter, starting in late elementary, TV shows became a major topic of conversation which was hard for us as I didn’t want her watching those particular shows and it was isolating. Starting in middle school, the girls pretty much exclusively plan social activities via texting each other or google chat so if your daughter doesn’t have a phone, she is very likely to be shut out of many outings, inside jokes, etc. it’s aggravating but I can’t remake society. My teen daughter also uses her phone for certain apps that help her in school—a school one that tracks her assignments, a language one to help her practice her foreign language (especially helpful the year she had an awful teacher), and a math one that is helpful to avoid brain drain over the summer.

My kids have also used their screen tome to collaboratively write short stories or novellas with friends.

I think the goal is to think through what your goals are for Tech, and then use it accordingly. We also put screentime limits on everything but texts to avoid the casual slide into over-usage. It’s not easy, but I think it’s extremely difficult and ultimately short sighted to just opt out. It’s also important to balance with other interests. My kids each do two casual rec sports pretty much year round, have chores around the house, spend hours a day reading, have certain other hobbies (crafts, etc.), and we are a big board game family so there is often a game going almost every evening.

agree with above (especially parts that I bolded). I was all about zero-to-no screen time up until my children were around age 8-10....then, it simply became unsustainable (and also socially isolating, as noted above).

I agree with all of this. You need to think more thoroughly than "screens are bad."

My kids are 10. They don't have phones or ipads but they watch TV on weekends (ahem, like all of us did) and have an hour of computer time on non-school days. There's a lot of media that's actually really great! DS loves "oversimplified" on youtube, for example.

School, at least ours, expects them to be able to do a math program, do research, make powerpoint slides, and logon to the school network.

We also like watching shows together as a family- the Simpsons is a current favorite. It's still funny 30 years later. We love Dr. Pol and my kids just discovered the old show, "Psych" which is perfect for them.

When they go to middle school they will probably get non-smart phones at first, but I am sure we'll head to smart phones within a year or two. It's about moderation and monitoring.

What if-- and I know this is almost impossible to imagine!-- those of us whose kids get zero-to-little screen time have a thought in our heads other than OMG SCREENS BAD!?!?!?!

What if we've thoughtfully considered the pros and cons and find that this is the best choice for our families, and we don't "fear" screens irrationally, nor in any other way?

I'm pretty tired of the conception of low-screen parents as panicked luddites who will "learn their lesson" in "the real world." Yeah, no kidding, if the only reason to avoid screens were that they were OMG!EVIL, lead to a life of crime and an IQ reduction of 40 points, then, sure, that's pretty easy to disprove.

Parents with older kids have the experience that you with your little kid don't yet have. OP came here to ask about our experience. That is what this is. But a parent who thinks they can have a no-screen rule for their 14 year old needs to think about the whole picture and not just about "screens." The same goes for sex, alcohol, drugs, driving and a whole host of issues that require nuanced discussion, planning, and consideration as a parent. Your bizarre reaction to these posts suggests you are pretty sure you already know everything. So I'd suggest moving to another threat where your world view can be reinforced instead of challenged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching moderation is good.

Moderation is a highly subjective and nearly meaningless concept.

What will your approach to, say, alcohol, be when your kid goes off to college then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS I just did that long post. Forgot to mention I still don’t allow “social media” or YouTube. YouTube is just the worst as there’s really no limits on what people can put on there. I think it’s like asking the random folks on a public bus to babysit your kids. Sure, they might learn something but odds are it won’t be something great.

You have your head in the sand if you think those online games are safe.

I honestly can’t believe how many of you think smart phones are ok for children. If they need to call or text, give them a dumb phone. There are cool ones out there for kids. I watched too much tv in hs and in hindsight realize how detrimental that was to me. Cannot imagine having a smart phone then.

Tell us how TV was detrimental to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your school choice in the future will make a difference. We have a 9th, 7th, 5th and 2nd grader. They do not have phones. We don’t own video games. The older kids are allowed to use the computer for school- research and writing - but they ask permission. We watch movies on weekend nights. They older kids have go-pros and my youngest enjoys her camera but otherwise they are tech-free. My husband and I are not on social media (except dcum) and we try to limit ourselves in wasting time on our phones. Our kids do well in school. They play sports (not travel) and play outside all the time - riding bikes, skateboarding, climbing trees. I do t think parents realize it can be done or maybe they don’t have the guts to impose rules on their kids. My kids actually feel bad for kids they are staring down at their phones. We had an exchange student recently that brought his phone and until we suggested he put it away during the day he was completely missing the experience of being in another country. Once he put the phone down his English exploded and he was much happier. Honestly it was mostly his parents and girlfriend distracting him all the time and keeping him from engaging. The contrast was remarkable. A lot of parents will tell you that moderation is okay but they should look closer at what the devices are keeping their kids from.

Well it's no wonder you all don't use phones - you wouldn't be able to hold them since you walk around patting yourselves on the backs all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your school choice in the future will make a difference. We have a 9th, 7th, 5th and 2nd grader. They do not have phones. We don’t own video games. The older kids are allowed to use the computer for school- research and writing - but they ask permission. We watch movies on weekend nights. They older kids have go-pros and my youngest enjoys her camera but otherwise they are tech-free. My husband and I are not on social media (except dcum) and we try to limit ourselves in wasting time on our phones. Our kids do well in school. They play sports (not travel) and play outside all the time - riding bikes, skateboarding, climbing trees. I do t think parents realize it can be done or maybe they don’t have the guts to impose rules on their kids. My kids actually feel bad for kids they are staring down at their phones. We had an exchange student recently that brought his phone and until we suggested he put it away during the day he was completely missing the experience of being in another country. Once he put the phone down his English exploded and he was much happier. Honestly it was mostly his parents and girlfriend distracting him all the time and keeping him from engaging. The contrast was remarkable. A lot of parents will tell you that moderation is okay but they should look closer at what the devices are keeping their kids from.

Interesting that you say school choice makes a big difference. I have a rising second grader at public school as my oldest (so still in the young kid zone). Screens are movie night once a week and TV if you're throwing up (to keep preschoolers corralled). I'm not happy about all the screens IN our public school, but I know plenty of parents there who are pretty low screen outside of school. I have heard it gets nearly impossible in middle, though, because phones are what all the kids do whenever there's free time.

[Anonymous]

You will feel your way. Things will change and what kids want to do will be different when yours are older. Make decisions as they arise based on your circumstances as they arise. be flexible and not dogmatic.

My nieces used to watch TV. My kids never wanted to. My teens like You Tube, but it may not be a thing when your kids are teens.

[Anonymous]

They’ll be ok regardless of what you do. There was a time when people thought radio was detrimental. There are so many other things on which you could be spending precious energy.

http://lcweb2.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collID=cool&hdl=amrlgs:fo5:003

[Anonymous]

My kids have some screen use but it's limited to almost nothing on weekdays, and as many PPs have said, almost everyone has a phone starting in about 6th grade.

We spend a fair amount of time talking about the literature with them on how screen use affects people's brains and ability to focus and learn. Whenever I see a new article out, I show it to them and we discuss. We also talk (probably too much) about the girl down the street who got addicted to iPad games and became sullen and no fun to play with, and how too much screen use can make you unhappy and checked out from the people around you.

So far, this approach is working. We'll see as they get into high school how it goes.