Help me find a punishment to fit this crime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:uhh I know you're frustrated op, but lecturing him the whole way home while he cries his eyes out is probably enough? He obviously doesn't get the cards, he knows you're upset and you've made clear this isn't ok, that's fine. He's 7 not 13. I would just talk to him tonight when you all are calmed down - make sure he understands why you were frustrated, talk to him about what he was thinking about to better understand why he had a hard time following the directions, help him strategize for next time when he's tempted. If he does something like that again, have him do some chores to earn the money to pay back for the thing. But otherwise I would let it go and remember that kids are still learning impulse control. Doesn't make it ok, but your parents displeasure is often punishment enough especially at that age. Use it as a teaching moment instead of a way to make a punishment fit the "crime"

Agreed. And don't have him miss the party. Especially if it is a place where the parents have already paid.

Agreed I'm the pp and I really don't think the birthday kid should have to be punished for this. I really do understand why the op is frustrated, it is so maddening when kids do things just completely opposite of what we asked but I think slowing down and having a conversation is the best bet. He's still learning and I doubt he'll forget that convo in the car with his mom. Doesn't mean he won't ever not listen again (again, impulse control..growing brains..) but he will try! and hopefully resist longer next time and mom will know to prevent by removing temptations.

[Anonymous]

He can't go to the party. You throw away those cards. Send a new gift to the child if you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:uhh I know you're frustrated op, but lecturing him the whole way home while he cries his eyes out is probably enough? He obviously doesn't get the cards, he knows you're upset and you've made clear this isn't ok, that's fine. He's 7 not 13. I would just talk to him tonight when you all are calmed down - make sure he understands why you were frustrated, talk to him about what he was thinking about to better understand why he had a hard time following the directions, help him strategize for next time when he's tempted. If he does something like that again, have him do some chores to earn the money to pay back for the thing. But otherwise I would let it go and remember that kids are still learning impulse control. Doesn't make it ok, but your parents displeasure is often punishment enough especially at that age. Use it as a teaching moment instead of a way to make a punishment fit the "crime"

+1. Seven is still little, and he's learning. I also agree it's not fair to the birthday kid (or their parents) to have your kid miss the party. Which isn't to say I don't completely sympathize with your frustration, OP! But I think another thing to take away from this is to be sure to put things like this where he can't get to them in the future (if there's a place in your house that's safe from a seven-year-old ).

I agree he's been punished enough. If you must add something else, i would say chores, but the payment should not lead to 20 hours or even 6 hours like other pp's suggested. Keep it way more reasonable than that. But do you think he feels bad? Do you think he gets it? Do you think he'll do it again? if all of those questions are answered appropriately, I'd let it go. DEFINITELY do not skip the birthday party or threaten his own party, wtf is wrong with DCUM posters sometimes?

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of nutters on this thread. 6 hours of chores? Cancel his own birthday party? I hope you people are joking.

OP: OMG why is this the end of the world for you? He's 7. He made a mistake. Does he have a lot of problems with self control or something?

Anyway I would not be making another trip to the store. Ask him to help you brainstorm how to fix the situation. Maybe he can make a homemade gift. Forky is in right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a bunch of nutters on this thread. 6 hours of chores? Cancel his own birthday party? I hope you people are joking.

OP: OMG why is this the end of the world for you? He's 7. He made a mistake. Does he have a lot of problems with self control or something?

Anyway I would not be making another trip to the store. Ask him to help you brainstorm how to fix the situation. Maybe he can make a homemade gift. Forky is in right now.

So some perfectly innocent kid has to get a janky homemade gift because her son screwed up? No.

[Anonymous]

I’d purchase another gift and take the $20 out of his allowance.

[Anonymous]

Have him do chores to earn money to replace the gift. Also add a small surcharge for your time, trouble, gas, etc. (maybe $1) so that he realizes those have value and that his actions have costs beyond just that of the gift.

I would set the base price of chores at a quarter or 50 cents,but vary it depending on the difficulty and length of task.

Some examples of chores a seven year old can do:
Fold laundry
Weed
Dust
Vacuum
Load dishwasher
Make household beds (don't pay him for his personal chores that he's normally expected to do like cleaning his room or making his own bed)

Whether you eventually let him have the original Pokemon cards is a judgement call, but I wouldn't do it until he's earned the replacement, and probably extra time on top of that. (Ex. He loses them for a month, but that time doesn't start until they're his, which doesn't happen until he's earned the money.)

Basically he needs to learn 3 lessons:
1. You can't give somebody a pre-opened gift.
2. Defiance is unacceptable. You have reasons for what you tell him and he needs to respect your authority and judgement.
3. It's much better to get what you want the right way than to try and take shortcuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Miss the birthday party anyway. He might claim he doesn't care, but it still fits the crime if he still expects to go.

Make him do something boring during that time, chores or educational work.

Educational work as a punishment. Way to cultivate a love of learning in a child. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a bunch of nutters on this thread. 6 hours of chores? Cancel his own birthday party? I hope you people are joking.

OP: OMG why is this the end of the world for you? He's 7. He made a mistake. Does he have a lot of problems with self control or something?

Anyway I would not be making another trip to the store. Ask him to help you brainstorm how to fix the situation. Maybe he can make a homemade gift. Forky is in right now.

So some perfectly innocent kid has to get a janky homemade gift because her son screwed up? No.

Bummer. Poor little birthday boy will be absolutely crushed.

[Anonymous]

Op here- we won’t miss the birthday, the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and really likes my son. Honestly, it’s more of a punishment to make him go. Maybe I should ask if he can stay for longer?!

He doesn’t get allowance so that’s out.

He has been increasingly defiant as summer has progressing.

He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

[Anonymous]

I understand that the lecturing was not helpful but honestly I was too mad to care. I am not a robot and I was furious at him! His little sister said “cover your ears like this” lol!!

[Anonymous]

One more thing- maybe another reason why I’m so mad I’m realizing is because the birthday kid is obviously kind of uncool and unlikeable. he’s from a different culture than us and I see him struggling a lot and my heart goes out to him and his mother. I wish my son would take more of an interest in him but i can’t push it too much. I specifically picked out the cards as I thought they would help him fit in more and be a good social currency. So, maybe a punishment surrounding this kid? Not sure like maybe more play dates? Is that a good idea or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that the lecturing was not helpful but honestly I was too mad to care. I am not a robot and I was furious at him! His little sister said “cover your ears like this” lol!!

Your reaction says more about you than his behavior says about him. He acted like a 7 year old testing boundaries and poor self control when he's tempted. You threw a tantrum over a birthday gift for a kid your kid doesn't even like. What is the lesson here? Fake it to get people to like you? 100% compliance at all times, no mistakes allowed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing- maybe another reason why I’m so mad I’m realizing is because the birthday kid is obviously kind of uncool and unlikeable. he’s from a different culture than us and I see him struggling a lot and my heart goes out to him and his mother. I wish my son would take more of an interest in him but i can’t push it too much. I specifically picked out the cards as I thought they would help him fit in more and be a good social currency. So, maybe a punishment surrounding this kid? Not sure like maybe more play dates? Is that a good idea or mean?

You can't force him to like the kid. But you can talk about empathy. About how hard it is to be in a different culture and struggling to fit in. Ask him how he would feel in that situation (or if he's ever felt that way). Explain he doesn't have to be friends with him, but you do expect him to be kind. Maybe brainstorm ways he can be kind to this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing- maybe another reason why I’m so mad I’m realizing is because the birthday kid is obviously kind of uncool and unlikeable. he’s from a different culture than us and I see him struggling a lot and my heart goes out to him and his mother. I wish my son would take more of an interest in him but i can’t push it too much. I specifically picked out the cards as I thought they would help him fit in more and be a good social currency. So, maybe a punishment surrounding this kid? Not sure like maybe more play dates? Is that a good idea or mean?

Do NOT make a punishment surrounding the kid. It will completely alienate your son from the kid. Even worse, think of how the child would feel if it comes out that spending time with him is punishment.

Instead, if you want to foster a friendship, take the kids out to something fun. Even better, since your heart goes out to the mother, befriend her and together take the kids out for things. You're hanging out with your friend and the kids are going along. When I was a kid my mom's best friend had a kid and in addition to spending a lot of time at each others houses, the moms took us to the zoo, the park, puppet shows, etc. There were also times when we kept each other company while the moms did boring grown-up stuff like shopping for shoes, but if we were good, we could have a treat afterwards. This way your son is spending time with the kid not because of the kid, but because of you.