Help me find a punishment to fit this crime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7 year old DS asked to open the Pokemon card set I bought for his friends birthday party tomorrow and I said no, explaining that you can't give an opened set of cards as gift. He did it anyways while I was busy with his sibling and I am SO MAD! We now need to find an extra gift for this kid (meaning another store trip in the next 24 hours), and the cards themselves are messed up so basically $20 is totally down the drain. Giving him the cards is not an option.

I lectured him in the car all the way to camp while he cried his eyes out. What should be his punishment? He does not have $20 to repurchase the gift, nor will he care to miss this kids birthday party as its a neighborhood friend that he doesn't particularly care for at a meh location.

Thanks!

He doesn't get the cards, you tell the other parents he has to stay home as punishment (so no birthday party for the other kid and no extra present for you to buy.) He then gets to do chores with your supervision during the time of the bday party, and he does enough to "earn" the 20.00 back...or enough for a seven year old. Or sit in timeout with no toys.

This is the answer.

At the expense of the party boy, who did nothing wrong.

He won't notice whether or not the kid from down the street that he isn't friends with showed up.

He will notice and the parents have already paid for and accounted for OP’s child. Plus it sounds like the birthday boy struggles socially a little bit, so one kid missing could be a big difference. He needs to go to the party. He can “earn back” the $20 by doing chores at a later time.

[Anonymous]

He shouldn’t get to keep the opened cards either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m not someone who disciplines in this way, but I’m pretty clear that the intent of punishments is to do something unpleasant to the child such that the kid avoids committing the same offense again. It’s not for retribution, no matter how understandably mad you were. It’s not supposed to be worse based on how angry you are. If your child has learned his lesson, isn’t that your goal? That’s the question. Not whether he “deserves” to be punished further.

Yes, he did it with intent... but also impulsivity. If you hadn’t lectured him, I’d say your work in disciplining had not been finished— if he didn’t understand the impact and consequences. If you think he still doesn’t, you may need to take other steps. But if he does...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn’t get to keep the opened cards either.

I’m not someone who punished, and I agree with this 100%. Doesn’t make any sense that he would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:uhh I know you're frustrated op, but lecturing him the whole way home while he cries his eyes out is probably enough? He obviously doesn't get the cards, he knows you're upset and you've made clear this isn't ok, that's fine. He's 7 not 13. I would just talk to him tonight when you all are calmed down - make sure he understands why you were frustrated, talk to him about what he was thinking about to better understand why he had a hard time following the directions, help him strategize for next time when he's tempted. If he does something like that again, have him do some chores to earn the money to pay back for the thing. But otherwise I would let it go and remember that kids are still learning impulse control. Doesn't make it ok, but your parents displeasure is often punishment enough especially at that age. Use it as a teaching moment instead of a way to make a punishment fit the "crime"

+100

I think you made your point OP. Give it a rest and move on.

I'm betting he's otherwise a good kid, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will do work to pay back the $20 for ruined cards. He can keep these once he has paid them off.

He will go with you with no screens or toys etc. on the trip to the store and he will pick out the pack that will be the gift for the other boy. Long discussions about gifts and gifting in car.

He will go to the party and be a damn fine guest.

OK, so what the kid learns here is that if he wants something, he should damage it and it will then become his. There is no way I would allow my child to keep those cards.

+1

Your son needs to work off the $20 - and no cards. And yes, 6 hours (or whatever) of chores is fair. Bet next time mom says not to open SOMEONE ELSE'S gift, he won't.

[Anonymous]

I mean I get it that swat on the butt is wrong.. but yelling until he is crying his eyes out all the way home? Isn't that more abusive than a swat on the butt?
It seems to me, we all collectively lost our minds trying to parent better and are in fact doing the exact opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get it that swat on the butt is wrong.. but yelling until he is crying his eyes out all the way home? Isn't that more abusive than a swat on the butt?
It seems to me, we all collectively lost our minds trying to parent better and are in fact doing the exact opposite.

I think yelling is problematic but if a kid is crying because he is realizing the gravity of the situation and feels remorse, that’s just part of life.

[Anonymous]

OP you are raising a douchebag. Nip this in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we won’t miss the birthday, the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and really likes my son. Honestly, it’s more of a punishment to make him go. Maybe I should ask if he can stay for longer?!

He doesn’t get allowance so that’s out.

He has been increasingly defiant as summer has progressing.

He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

I was 6 when I was invited to a birthday party for a classmate who liked Nancy Drew books, and asked her how she could read such long books. She told me she was take a flashlight to bed and read (she also, by the age of 13, was routinely taking the car keys and driving herself places). My gift was a Nancy Drew book. I had a Hershey bar too, can't recall if it was for her or for me, but I read the whole book in bed that night and got chocolate smears all over. I don't recall any punishment.

What make the biggest impact on me anytime with my parents was when they sat me down and had a serious talk. Worked every time. Punishments did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Miss the birthday party anyway. He might claim he doesn't care, but it still fits the crime if he still expects to go.

Make him do something boring during that time, chores or educational work.

Thats not fair on the birthday kid. ( not OP)

Yeah. This is actually pretty rude behavior as it shows no respect for the birthday kid or his parents. It sends a terrible message to your kid. Plus if he doesn’t care about the birthday party it’s not even a real punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we won’t miss the birthday, the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and really likes my son. Honestly, it’s more of a punishment to make him go. Maybe I should ask if he can stay for longer?!

He doesn’t get allowance so that’s out.

He has been increasingly defiant as summer has progressing.

He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

Op if you truly feel like he doesn’t respect women, or others, that is a much bigger issue that punishment and consequence for this incident are still not going to solve. It sounds like you feel like things are out of control, so you are scrambling to regain control and some severe punishment makes you think you’ll show him YOU are in control, not him. But it just isn’t that easy, you’re going to get into a power struggle with him and not teach him much. If you really are worried about empathy and learning that he needs to listen and consider others - my original point about sitting down, calmly talking about the situation - how it made you feel, figuring out with him what happened etc is still my recommendation. You need to connect with him and help him learn how to understand other people’s feelings (including yours). People learn when they feel connected to others, kids especially. Not when they feel shame (shame can cause a temporary change in behavior for sure, but the actual lessons are not the same). You could talk about the importance of being kind to this other kid, specifically talk about your own feelings - how you thought about what might be a special gift for this kid in particular. That is the way you teach empathy. (Not saying call the kid out that he needs social currency but you know what I mean)

It really sounds like there are bigger things going on here. Don’t use this one incident to get out your frustration overall this summer. I mean you can, but it won’t get you where you want to be I can almost guarantee that. PEP classes might help, that overwhelmed feeling sucks I know and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

Meanwhile, what you want to teach him is "you are never allowed to say no to women and you must always do what they want" which is exactly the way to raise a screwed-up, passive-aggressive beta male who will never have a successful marriage. Great job, mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we won’t miss the birthday, the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and really likes my son. Honestly, it’s more of a punishment to make him go. Maybe I should ask if he can stay for longer?!

He doesn’t get allowance so that’s out.

He has been increasingly defiant as summer has progressing.

He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

Op if you truly feel like he doesn’t respect women, or others, that is a much bigger issue that punishment and consequence for this incident are still not going to solve. It sounds like you feel like things are out of control, so you are scrambling to regain control and some severe punishment makes you think you’ll show him YOU are in control, not him. But it just isn’t that easy, you’re going to get into a power struggle with him and not teach him much. If you really are worried about empathy and learning that he needs to listen and consider others - my original point about sitting down, calmly talking about the situation - how it made you feel, figuring out with him what happened etc is still my recommendation. You need to connect with him and help him learn how to understand other people’s feelings (including yours). People learn when they feel connected to others, kids especially. Not when they feel shame (shame can cause a temporary change in behavior for sure, but the actual lessons are not the same). You could talk about the importance of being kind to this other kid, specifically talk about your own feelings - how you thought about what might be a special gift for this kid in particular. That is the way you teach empathy. (Not saying call the kid out that he needs social currency but you know what I mean)

It really sounds like there are bigger things going on here. Don’t use this one incident to get out your frustration overall this summer. I mean you can, but it won’t get you where you want to be I can almost guarantee that. PEP classes might help, that overwhelmed feeling sucks I know and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- we won’t miss the birthday, the kid doesn’t have a lot of friends and really likes my son. Honestly, it’s more of a punishment to make him go. Maybe I should ask if he can stay for longer?!

He doesn’t get allowance so that’s out.

He has been increasingly defiant as summer has progressing.

He’s an alpha child and is always trying to lead the pack, including me his mother. I feel that this is also about teaching respect for women as he often feels that his way is the right way and argues with me (more then his father) when I tell him to do something.

********

I understand that the lecturing was not helpful but honestly I was too mad to care. I am not a robot and I was furious at him! His little sister said “cover your ears like this” lol!!

*********

One more thing- maybe another reason why I’m so mad I’m realizing is because the birthday kid is obviously kind of uncool and unlikeable. he’s from a different culture than us and I see him struggling a lot and my heart goes out to him and his mother. I wish my son would take more of an interest in him but i can’t push it too much. I specifically picked out the cards as I thought they would help him fit in more and be a good social currency. So, maybe a punishment surrounding this kid? Not sure like maybe more play dates? Is that a good idea or mean?

OP, do I really need to tell you that screaming at your son while he cries is not funny, nor is it likely to lead to him "respecting" you. Perhaps his issue with your authority is not that you are a woman, but that you are out of control and struggle to parent? I mean, forcing him to be friends with the little boy you feel sorry for as a punishment? Really? It's a terrible idea.

There is no more punishment for the cards. You lost control and screamed at him; the teachable moment is over. The social awkward neighbor child does not exist to help you teach your son a lesson, so stop thinking up ideas involving him. It's fine to struggle, no one is perfect. But get some help for yourself. Parenting classes or a few consultations with a therapist.