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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues.  Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do.  Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare?  If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want.  I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues.  If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are. [/quote]

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.[/quote]

I believe your hearts in the right place :)  I also have a difficult MIL who acted in ways completely different from what I expected, and yeah it was rough.  But I'm glad that (with a few exceptions) I managed to preserve our relationship and now things are pretty OK.  I would definitely not have any "come to jesus" talks with her about whether she's close enough to you guys, etc.  It's a hard transition to make for an adult child, but it sounds like your DH (and you) need to start seeing yourselves in more of a caretaker role towards her now. Sometimes that happens sooner than you would expect.  My guess is that the more kindness and warmth you show her, the more you facilitate her relationship with your DH (and eventually your kids) without expecting any particular response, the better things will turn out.  [/quote]

Oh another thing - can you appoint a MIL "handler" at the wedding?  One of your DH's siblings? Someone to make sure that she has what she needs, that she gets to where she's supposed to be for pictures, toasts, etc?  [/quote]

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