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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.[/quote]

Kids are in middle school.  I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it.  As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.[/quote]

The whole notion of "date night" as some kind of prerequisite to having sex with one's wife is in my opinion completely dysfunctional and part of the problem.  However, I know it's a common idea and one that you probably read in some kind of relationship book or a therapist told you should do.

Sex life is lackluster?  Take her out on a DATE!

Because, as we all know, it's completely healthy and normal for a relationship between a man and a woman to establish a quid pro quo of the woman "giving the man sex" in exchange for a nice dinner in a restaurant.

If you want to take your wife out on a "date"--and I hate the use of that word in connection with long-married couples going out, because it's not a "date"--a date is a courtship ritual, and you are not courting someone that you're already married to--then go out to a restaurant or whatever it is you want to do. Have fun.

Why, in your mind at least, is taking your wife out to dinner linked to having sex with her?

It's certainly not linked in HER mind in that manner.  Is it?

If you want to have sex with her, then initiate sex with her.  Morning, noon, or night.  Whenever you want to.  If she rejects you, it's not because you didn't take her out to dinner first.

It's because she doesn't want to have sex with you.

You've allowed your marriage to disintegrate to the point where sex with her spouse is far down on the list of priorities your wife has, it's probably not even there at all, and it's just a favor she does for you if she feels like it, but she never feels like it.

She manipulates you by withholding sex, not by having sex with you.  If she actually had sex with you on a more frequent basis, then she would lose control over you.

So she doesn't.

Stop having date nights.

I'll bet you do lots of chores around the house too, with the expectation that somehow it will improve your sex life.

That won't work either.

You need to completely re-set your relationship with your wife somehow.

You can start by stop taking her out on "dates", and never use the terminology "date night" ever again.[/quote]

Okay I think the above is some kind of angry basement men guy, but DW here, and honestly date nights DO work on me, but not as well as chores which work even better. But I think my "love language" is acts of service so for whatever reason seeing my lovely hubs do anything to help me or kiddos gets me going. Date nights probably work because he's a little awkward and I know if we're out to a nice place or an event, he's mostly doing it to make me feel good. It's not a quid-pro-quo, at all, it's just a thing that makes me feel love and respect for him which sets the table well for sex. It's not the only thing obviously. I mean hell, fights can also work sometimes.

I think you need to just ask her/figure out what you do that makes her feel particularly thrilled about you as a partner (maybe it's not date night - maybe it's listening to her, or parenting really well, or giving her a massage...idk). Then see if that leads to physicality. Also, do you know her well enough to know her particular kinks? If you think she doesn't have any, you're wrong. You just don't know about them. Also, do you have/use a really nice vibrator and a nice lube? I'm sure people will chime in about how that's not the answer, but sometimes when my life is stressful the finish line is...farther away. That can make it hard/less appealing to get started. Ain't no shame in a good toy game. [/quote]

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