My parents treat me like I'm 5...I'm 39

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.

But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP

[Anonymous]

They treat you like you are 5 because you act like you are 5! Stop giving them all the details. You need to take of yourself without their feedback. You bring this all on yourself. You need therapy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.

But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP

Look. Here’s the deal. They’re wrong. They’re rude. They’re overstepping. They’re disrespecting your boundaries. They’ve done this for years and will not change without a major catalyst, and even then it will be difficult and like a heroin addict, they’ll always be itching for a fix and wanting to overstep again.

You can react by not caring or pretending not to care, and letting them continue as is. Keep telling them stuff and they’ll keep asking for more.

You can gray rock them or do some similar version of telling them less so they have less ammunition for more intrusions.

You can talk to them about your feelings and set up some boundary or limit like you’ll talk once a week or in this case they need to stop asking details about your illness.

You can cut them off.

Basically any of those except letting them continue as is, uninterrupted and without complaints, will hurt their feelings. They’ll play the victim, say they’re only looking out for your best interests, this is how you thank them for loving you? And other such bs. It’s annoying af. And that’s why you haven’t taken a stand yet. You don’t want to deal with it. But if you don’t, you have to deal with the over parenting, which is also annoying af. At this point, your parents are going to be rude and annoying to you in one form or another, and your response gets to determine which kind of bs you’re going to get from them. If you start training them now though, and don’t reward them for any of their whining when you enforce a boundary, to possible to train them. Like I said though, it takes a while and there’s always a possibility of relapse.

They’re never going to magically snap out of it and respect you as an adult. Stop wishing for that. Work with what you’ve got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.

But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP

PP you responded to.

Here's what I did, after years of comments from my mother and her saying I was too sensitive and she was just "joking". Her issue comes from her low self-esteem which must be constantly bolstered by controlling the lives of people around her, and high anxiety, which she denies she has and therefore does not treat. I cut them off for 6 months. It wasn't longer because I love my father dearly and my husband thought we should maintain a relationship.

It worked like magic, PP. We had just come off a huge fight where I told her exactly how hurtful she was, and she had scoffed at me as usual. She understood that I was very angry at her; she probably concluded I was way too sensitive and mentally fragile and that to continue our relationship and see the kids, she had to walk on eggshells. No guilt or apologies, naturally. She HAS been more careful, except when she's stressed and anxious - which she very often is. Overall, though, the comments are less barbed, and more importantly she has not repeated any of the really horrific, hurtful oopinions that made me cut her off in the first place.

My point is that these people can only change so much, and you can only tolerate so much as well. You've got to find that common space in the Venn diagram where you can all enforce boundaries and communicate without too much resentment. And sometimes to get to that common space, you need to be forceful.

My other point is one of time. I don't know how old your parents are, but mine are slowing down and centering more on their own health issues at this period in their lives. It seems as if that temporarily works in my favor. Temporarily because perhaps in a few years, they will need a lot of help from me. I am sure my mother won't be able to keep her newly acquired filter, and will start with vile comments again. My husband had trouble with his mentally ill father at the end of his life. It's hard caring for a loved but deranged dependent.

Which leads me to a sobering thought. I really hope I don't become like her. I keep that in mind when parenting my kids. It's so easy to fall into mindlessly imitating what one has grown up with.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are not going to stop being like this. You can’t change them or make them see that they are being hurtful or whatever. You can only change yourself. Therapy might be a good idea to help you enforce boundaries and deal with your feelings of guilt and desire for their approval/understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

I would respond "Following doctor's orders and doing better. I'll be resting so won't be checking my phone much today." And then ignoring anything for the rest of the day.

Still following doctor's orders and doing better, Mom. I'll be resting again today.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you feel better then...

Hi, Mom. I'm doing great. The doctor's treatment worked exactly like she said it would and I'm all better. Thanks for asking.

Your Mom can only treat you like you are 5 if you let her. You have to work her like you would your 5 year old who asks all sorts of invasive questions because he doesn't know any better. And you give him as much information as he can handle and that will get the result you want. Likewise, you only give your mother the information that will elicit the responses that you are willing to deal with. If you don't want to deal with intrusive questions, don't be available. But make sure that she knows that you are not available.

With other things, "Sorry Mom. It's a busy day at work, I won't be able to talk until this evening/tomorrow/I get back from this work trip" You give her information after things are resolved when she can no longer pester you about them. When you talk to her, don't talk about things that will elicit irritating questions and feedback. When she asks the inevitable questions, you divert like you would a child who is asking about things you don't want to tell. Most parents seem to have no problem diverting their children from topics they don't want to discuss, but can't seem to put those same skills to use on their parents.

I tell my mother everything about my life. It's just a question of when I tell her these things. I often tell her things that have happened or been resolved recently, but I don't talk about current things that I don't want her to worry about, pester me about, or meddle in.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation and just really cut back on information even when I really wanted to share I reminded myself that it would lead to worries, counseling or chastising. It made a huge difference though it might feel odd to actively change your relationship so drastically it is for the best and they won’t notice as much as you will. Strangely my mom completely got off my back a couple of years ago when she discovered the joys of social media with her friends and just doesn’t need to be anxious about me anymore.

[Anonymous]

I have the same dynamic. THey think I'm absolutely clueless. My mom was a SAHM but that doesn't stop her from constantly giving me work advice (while I'm at work) and incorrect financial advice and health advice. My dad is even worse.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same way. I think it’s almost like OCD—I’m a successful lawyer, but she just feels like she has to get whatever thought is in her head off her chest. It’s just words, she doesn’t take any actual action to overstep, so I just smile and nod and “yes mom,” “thanks mom.”’

I’ll be buying a house within a year or so and dread the process because of this, but as annoying as it is, I know it comes from a weird place of love and protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by drawing more firm boundaries. So you DON'T tell them details, only ever overviews.

You: Sorry I won't be able to attend Christmas; have a great time!
Mom: Why? What's wrong?
You: I'm getting over something. Merry Christmas!
Mom: Are you sick? WHAT'S WRONG? Are you hydrating? Did you try blowing your nose? How is your poop?
You: Mom. I'm handling it, thanks for your concern though. I just want you to enjoy the holidays.
Mom: Why are you being so secretive and dramatic? I just want to know about your poop.
You: Mom, I'm a grown woman. When you were my age you were married with 3 kids and a full time job. You felt fully competent as an adult. Just like I do now.
Mom: Why can't you let me love you? I just care about you.
You: I appreciate that. That's why I'm going to rest now. By, love you.
END SCENE

You are never obligated to answer people's questions.

This is way too drawn out.

My mom is exactly like this. I kid you not, if she calls me at like 830 in the morning, she always asks if she woke me up. Or sometimes if I sound "down" to her when she calls in the afternoon she'll ask if I just woke up from a nap. She thinks I am sleeping all the time, it's so weird.

The only thing that helps my sanity is when she goes off on one of her rants, I just put the phone on mute or just don't say anything until she's done. Then I change the subject. EVERY SINGLE TIME. The fist few times it was awkward, but now that's just how I interact with her.

Manifestation of object permanence issue? - she has difficulty picturing you as an autonomous adult living an active life when you're out of her sight/hearing. You're like Sleeping Beauty to her.

[Anonymous]

This answer worked for me: "I love you, too, Mom".

[Anonymous]

Op stop responding to their texts. You control your behavior not theirs. They are too involved in your life.

Do not respond at all. They want your attention pos or neg. It may take a month for them to get it but do not give them the reward of an immediate reply EVER again.Unless it's an emergency, you are not immediately avaliable to respond to phone calls or texts.

Your problem is that you won't stop and disentangle. They are going to blame you. They are going to guilt you. They are never going to see you as a separate entity. You need to reset how much contact you have with them.

Cell phones have created a sea of entitled people. No one owes anyone immediate access to their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.

But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP

PP you responded to.

Here's what I did, after years of comments from my mother and her saying I was too sensitive and she was just "joking". Her issue comes from her low self-esteem which must be constantly bolstered by controlling the lives of people around her, and high anxiety, which she denies she has and therefore does not treat. I cut them off for 6 months. It wasn't longer because I love my father dearly and my husband thought we should maintain a relationship.

It worked like magic, PP. We had just come off a huge fight where I told her exactly how hurtful she was, and she had scoffed at me as usual. She understood that I was very angry at her; she probably concluded I was way too sensitive and mentally fragile and that to continue our relationship and see the kids, she had to walk on eggshells. No guilt or apologies, naturally. She HAS been more careful, except when she's stressed and anxious - which she very often is. Overall, though, the comments are less barbed, and more importantly she has not repeated any of the really horrific, hurtful oopinions that made me cut her off in the first place.

My point is that these people can only change so much, and you can only tolerate so much as well. You've got to find that common space in the Venn diagram where you can all enforce boundaries and communicate without too much resentment. And sometimes to get to that common space, you need to be forceful.

My other point is one of time. I don't know how old your parents are, but mine are slowing down and centering more on their own health issues at this period in their lives. It seems as if that temporarily works in my favor. Temporarily because perhaps in a few years, they will need a lot of help from me. I am sure my mother won't be able to keep her newly acquired filter, and will start with vile comments again. My husband had trouble with his mentally ill father at the end of his life. It's hard caring for a loved but deranged dependent.

Which leads me to a sobering thought. I really hope I don't become like her. I keep that in mind when parenting my kids. It's so easy to fall into mindlessly imitating what one has grown up with.

This is exactly the issue with my mom as well. I actually did go to therapy for a few years before having my own kids because I wanted this issue to stop with me. My grandmother was the same way and my mom was so annoyed by her but ended up exactly like her. I learned how much anxiety I actually had but didn’t realize I had. It was the only way I knew to think and I would catastrophize everything because my that’s what my mom does. CBT really helped me reframe my thoughts and make my own thoughts healthier, but we didn’t get into much about how to manage my relationship with my parents.

I think what I dislike most about it is that my mom can very easily get me back to those anxious thoughts. Like in the illness example—I used to have really bad health anxiety and I know my mom does as well, but completely undiagnosed and treated. I’m fine with being sick and following doctors orders and taking the antibiotics and whatever else. Not a big deal, life will move on. But when she starts with her questions and articles, it takes me back to those anxious thoughts which are now very uncomfortable for me. Then I feel resentful that I have those feelings that she brought on and need to work hard to reframe to get myself back to healthy thoughts.

Anyway, I didn’t respond to my mom’s texts yesterday because I didn’t feel up to handling them and she’s already started again today. I want to keep it short and sweet. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This answer worked for me: "I love you, too, Mom".

OP you should try this.

[Anonymous]

I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.