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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.
[/quote]

But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP[/quote]

PP you responded to.

Here's what I did, after years of comments from my mother and her saying I was too sensitive and she was just "joking". [b]Her issue comes from her low self-esteem which must be constantly bolstered by controlling the lives of people around her, and high anxiety, which she denies she has and therefore does not treat[/b]. I cut them off for 6 months. It wasn't longer because I love my father dearly and my husband thought we should maintain a relationship.

It worked like magic, PP. We had just come off a huge fight where I told her exactly how hurtful she was, and she had scoffed at me as usual. She understood that I was very angry at her; she probably concluded I was way too sensitive and mentally fragile and that to continue our relationship and see the kids, she had to walk on eggshells. No guilt or apologies, naturally. She HAS been more careful, except when she's stressed and anxious - which she very often is.  Overall, though, the comments are less barbed, and more importantly she has not repeated any of the really horrific, hurtful oopinions that made me cut her off in the first place.

My point is that these people can only change so much, and you can only tolerate so much as well. You've got to find that common space in the Venn diagram where you can all enforce boundaries and communicate without too much resentment. And sometimes to get to that common space, you need to be forceful.

My other point is one of time. I don't know how old your parents are, but mine are slowing down and centering more on their own health issues at this period in their lives. It seems as if that temporarily works in my favor. Temporarily because perhaps in a few years, they will need a lot of help from me. I am sure my mother won't be able to keep her newly acquired filter, and will start with vile comments again. My husband had trouble with his mentally ill father at the end of his life. It's hard caring for a loved but deranged dependent.

Which leads me to a sobering thought. I really hope I don't become like her. I keep that in mind when parenting my kids. It's so easy to fall into mindlessly imitating what one has grown up with.

[/quote]

This is exactly the issue with my mom as well. I actually did go to therapy for a few years before having my own kids because I wanted this issue to stop with me. My grandmother was the same way and my mom was so annoyed by her but ended up exactly like her. I learned how much anxiety I actually had but didn’t realize I had. It was the only way I knew to think and I would catastrophize everything because my that’s what my mom does. CBT really helped me reframe my thoughts and make my own thoughts healthier, but we didn’t get into much about how to manage my relationship with my parents.

I think what I dislike most about it is that my mom can very easily get me back to those anxious thoughts. Like in the illness example—I used to have really bad health anxiety and I know my mom does as well, but completely undiagnosed and treated. I’m fine with being sick and following doctors orders and taking the antibiotics and whatever else. Not a big deal, life will move on. But when she starts with her questions and articles, it takes me back to those anxious thoughts which are now very uncomfortable for me. Then I feel resentful that I have those feelings that she brought on and need to work hard to reframe to get myself back to healthy thoughts.

Anyway, I didn’t respond to my mom’s texts yesterday because I didn’t feel up to handling them and she’s already started again today. I want to keep it short and sweet. -OP[/quote]

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