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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.
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But how do I not care when it's turned on me and they paint themselves as the victims and me as the irrational one? It's hurtful and pushes me much farther away than the constant texts, phone calls and emails. They do NOT see this dynamic at all. They only see it from their own perspective. It makes me feel guilty to be told that I'm hurting them and that I'm dramatic, immature and irrational when I explain how all of this makes me feel. -OP[/quote]

PP you responded to.

Here's what I did, after years of comments from my mother and her saying I was too sensitive and she was just "joking". Her issue comes from her low self-esteem which must be constantly bolstered by controlling the lives of people around her, and high anxiety, which she denies she has and therefore does not treat. I cut them off for 6 months. It wasn't longer because I love my father dearly and my husband thought we should maintain a relationship.

It worked like magic, PP. We had just come off a huge fight where I told her exactly how hurtful she was, and she had scoffed at me as usual. She understood that I was very angry at her; she probably concluded I was way too sensitive and mentally fragile and that to continue our relationship and see the kids, she had to walk on eggshells. No guilt or apologies, naturally. She HAS been more careful, except when she's stressed and anxious - which she very often is.  Overall, though, the comments are less barbed, and more importantly she has not repeated any of the really horrific, hurtful oopinions that made me cut her off in the first place.

My point is that these people can only change so much, and you can only tolerate so much as well. You've got to find that common space in the Venn diagram where you can all enforce boundaries and communicate without too much resentment. And sometimes to get to that common space, you need to be forceful.

My other point is one of time. I don't know how old your parents are, but mine are slowing down and centering more on their own health issues at this period in their lives. It seems as if that temporarily works in my favor. Temporarily because perhaps in a few years, they will need a lot of help from me. I am sure my mother won't be able to keep her newly acquired filter, and will start with vile comments again. My husband had trouble with his mentally ill father at the end of his life. It's hard caring for a loved but deranged dependent.

Which leads me to a sobering thought. I really hope I don't become like her. I keep that in mind when parenting my kids. It's so easy to fall into mindlessly imitating what one has grown up with.

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