My parents treat me like I'm 5...I'm 39

[Anonymous]

Your question is: “How can I get my middle-aged-or-older parents to completely change how they interact with me?”

You can’t. Give up.

Step one is to mourn the imaginary hypothetical parents you are hanging onto who will be involved and supportive without overstepping. You don’t have those parents, so Look for other people who can for fill that role: in-laws, aunts or uncles, friends and coworkers, But give up on the idea that you were going to change your parents into those people.

Step two is to come up with a realistic version of what you want your relationship with them to be like. Are there other parts of this relationship what you like and value? What are they? How can you best preserve those things while still setting and enforcing boundaries around the things that you need to change? Would it be easier for you to cut your parents off for long periods of time? Or do you still want them involved Day-to-day and how do you envision that working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

Put her texts on mute and only check them once at the end of the day, or in a few days when you're better.

My mom is the same why which is why I also don't tell her when I am sick (I get that this time it was unavoidable.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Can you mute your message conversation with your mom so it’s not constantly popping up? Then just respond to her once a day? Tell her you made a New Year’s resolution to use you phone less?

[Anonymous]

Op, look up some books by Deborah Tannen. They might give you some perspective on mother-daughter relationships and teach some tips on how to signal that you are an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you mute your message conversation with your mom so it’s not constantly popping up? Then just respond to her once a day? Tell her you made a New Year’s resolution to use you phone less?

Thanks for this tip. I didn’t know I could do this. I started hiding the alerts today and not seeing the notifications actually does help a bit. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

+2 Sorry you don't have a mom figure in your life, but you really have no idea what it's like to constantly be barraged with comments and questions. If you don't know anything about it, don't comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

NP, but it’s damaging to ones self esteem because that person refuses to adopt a healthy adult role, and instead chooses to maintain a helpless child like role. Establish and Asserting kind and healthy boundaries is normal in positive and healthy adult relationships. The fact that many of these posters “can’t” just demonstrates that they don’t view themselves as an adult in the relationship, as much as their parents don’t. No one can “make you” feel a certain way. You agree to feeling that way if you continue to let them treat you the way that makes you feel that way.

If you’re a grown person, living your own life, and feel like your parents are still impacting your self esteem, it may be time to get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

NP, but it’s damaging to ones self esteem because that person refuses to adopt a healthy adult role, and instead chooses to maintain a helpless child like role. Establish and Asserting kind and healthy boundaries is normal in positive and healthy adult relationships. The fact that many of these posters “can’t” just demonstrates that they don’t view themselves as an adult in the relationship, as much as their parents don’t. No one can “make you” feel a certain way. You agree to feeling that way if you continue to let them treat you the way that makes you feel that way.

If you’re a grown person, living your own life, and feel like your parents are still impacting your self esteem, it may be time to get some therapy.

I agree that therapy might be able to help her set boundaries, but blaming her for being the person that her parents’ abuse shaped her into isn’t exactly fair. Some people are able to rise above it without much help, and great for them, but most people get beaten down and have trouble fighting back. That’s why verbal and emotional abuse is so effective. You’re basically victim blaming her for not being able to stand up to her mom, when her mom has spent almost 4 decades conditioning her to behave a certain way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

NP, but it’s damaging to ones self esteem because that person refuses to adopt a healthy adult role, and instead chooses to maintain a helpless child like role. Establish and Asserting kind and healthy boundaries is normal in positive and healthy adult relationships. The fact that many of these posters “can’t” just demonstrates that they don’t view themselves as an adult in the relationship, as much as their parents don’t. No one can “make you” feel a certain way. You agree to feeling that way if you continue to let them treat you the way that makes you feel that way.

If you’re a grown person, living your own life, and feel like your parents are still impacting your self esteem, it may be time to get some therapy.

I agree that therapy might be able to help her set boundaries, but blaming her for being the person that her parents’ abuse shaped her into isn’t exactly fair. Some people are able to rise above it without much help, and great for them, but most people get beaten down and have trouble fighting back. That’s why verbal and emotional abuse is so effective. You’re basically victim blaming her for not being able to stand up to her mom, when her mom has spent almost 4 decades conditioning her to behave a certain way.

Agree - it makes no sense to blame someone for developing into the person their parents raised them to be - the kind of person who doesn't establish and assert healthy boundaries because they've never been allowed or taught to do so. These posters "can't" because they really can't. It's not a capability they have.

Yes to therapy for OP and anyone who's dealing with this issue, but no to the blame. Victim blaming is wrong and damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel bad for your mom (and I'm in my 30s with young kids, and don't have a great mom or MIL myself).

She's obviously trying to help, even if she's doing it in a patronizing way. Seriously, there are worse things. You need to learn how to let things roll off you a little more easily, and to see the intention beneath her comments, which, it seems to me, is good. PLENTY of mothers of adult children make comments all the time with straight up BAD intentions. So be grateful for what you have.

Have you ever actually experienced this type of thing for years on end?

+1. It’s easy to say let it roll off; it’s a different matter when that’s been the dynamic for years. It’s damaging to one’s self-esteem.

NP, but it’s damaging to ones self esteem because that person refuses to adopt a healthy adult role, and instead chooses to maintain a helpless child like role. Establish and Asserting kind and healthy boundaries is normal in positive and healthy adult relationships. The fact that many of these posters “can’t” just demonstrates that they don’t view themselves as an adult in the relationship, as much as their parents don’t. No one can “make you” feel a certain way. You agree to feeling that way if you continue to let them treat you the way that makes you feel that way.

If you’re a grown person, living your own life, and feel like your parents are still impacting your self esteem, it may be time to get some therapy.

I agree that therapy might be able to help her set boundaries, but blaming her for being the person that her parents’ abuse shaped her into isn’t exactly fair. Some people are able to rise above it without much help, and great for them, but most people get beaten down and have trouble fighting back. That’s why verbal and emotional abuse is so effective. You’re basically victim blaming her for not being able to stand up to her mom, when her mom has spent almost 4 decades conditioning her to behave a certain way.

Agree - it makes no sense to blame someone for developing into the person their parents raised them to be - the kind of person who doesn't establish and assert healthy boundaries because they've never been allowed or taught to do so. These posters "can't" because they really can't. It's not a capability they have.

Yes to therapy for OP and anyone who's dealing with this issue, but no to the blame. Victim blaming is wrong and damaging.

DP. I don’t see the “blame”. Sooner or later, you have to take hold of your life. No one else is responsible for that. OP seems to know that her parents don’t treat her equitably, but isn’t doing a thing about it.

It’s not her fault, but it’s her issue that she’s allowed it to perpetuate 20 years into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents (especially my mom) have never made the shift from being the parents of a child to being the parents of an adult. My mom is condescending and undermining. I'm sure she means well, but it's infuriating to me. They feel like they have the right to be involved in my business, and try to make me feel guilty when I explain that it's not their business.

For example, I've been sick with a sinus infection this week. I waited until after a week had gone by and symptoms hadn't improved. In fact, they were getting worse. So I went to the doctor and the doctor prescribed antibiotics for a variety of reasons. I got better after starting antibiotics. I try to keep my parents from knowing about things like illnesses because they get way too involved, but I couldn't attend a family function last week so they knew about it. In my sick haze I responded to her texts about my diagnosis and the name of my antibiotic. My mom sends me an article today about how sinus infections don't require antibiotics...her comment was "I'm sure you already know about this, but...". Yes, mom, you obviously know more than the doctor who has trained for years and sure I'm going to read your article from lord knows what source and just stop taking the meds the doctor prescribed.

She does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. When I do draw a boundary and ignore calls or texts, or explain that what they've said or done is inappropriate and how it makes me feel they tell me that I'm acting like a dramatic teenager and then they play the victim and all of a sudden I'm the one in the wrong. When things have started to get better and I start to let them in again, then they start the whole cycle over again.

I'm almost 40, married, have kids, have a great job, make good money and don't ask them for anything. There is no level of dependency there at all. There is no reason why this should be the dynamic between us but yet it is. When I stand my ground, that's when my dad chimes in and tells me I'm out of line and they (my mom) did nothing to deserve that treatment. Excuse them for caring about me. There is no ownership of what they do and the boundaries they cross--only that it's "coming from a good place" so I need to let it go and answer their questions because they're the parent and worry about me.

How do I handle this?

Ball up. You have to own your feelings. Get therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. I think it’s almost like OCD—I’m a successful lawyer, but she just feels like she has to get whatever thought is in her head off her chest. It’s just words, she doesn’t take any actual action to overstep, so I just smile and nod and “yes mom,” “thanks mom.”’

I’ll be buying a house within a year or so and dread the process because of this, but as annoying as it is, I know it comes from a weird place of love and protection.

Easy, don't tell her you're buying a house. Just give her the good news once the deed is done.

[Anonymous]

My parents have always treated me this way. Good news. It seems to be getting better as they get elderly (80+). I answer my mom's questions with detail, and then I change the subject.

Be glad that your mom is willing to text. At least you can give short quick responses and ignore. All of this has to play out over the phone with my mom.