My parents treat me like I'm 5...I'm 39

[Anonymous]

My parents (especially my mom) have never made the shift from being the parents of a child to being the parents of an adult. My mom is condescending and undermining. I'm sure she means well, but it's infuriating to me. They feel like they have the right to be involved in my business, and try to make me feel guilty when I explain that it's not their business.

For example, I've been sick with a sinus infection this week. I waited until after a week had gone by and symptoms hadn't improved. In fact, they were getting worse. So I went to the doctor and the doctor prescribed antibiotics for a variety of reasons. I got better after starting antibiotics. I try to keep my parents from knowing about things like illnesses because they get way too involved, but I couldn't attend a family function last week so they knew about it. In my sick haze I responded to her texts about my diagnosis and the name of my antibiotic. My mom sends me an article today about how sinus infections don't require antibiotics...her comment was "I'm sure you already know about this, but...". Yes, mom, you obviously know more than the doctor who has trained for years and sure I'm going to read your article from lord knows what source and just stop taking the meds the doctor prescribed.

She does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. When I do draw a boundary and ignore calls or texts, or explain that what they've said or done is inappropriate and how it makes me feel they tell me that I'm acting like a dramatic teenager and then they play the victim and all of a sudden I'm the one in the wrong. When things have started to get better and I start to let them in again, then they start the whole cycle over again.

I'm almost 40, married, have kids, have a great job, make good money and don't ask them for anything. There is no level of dependency there at all. There is no reason why this should be the dynamic between us but yet it is. When I stand my ground, that's when my dad chimes in and tells me I'm out of line and they (my mom) did nothing to deserve that treatment. Excuse them for caring about me. There is no ownership of what they do and the boundaries they cross--only that it's "coming from a good place" so I need to let it go and answer their questions because they're the parent and worry about me.

How do I handle this?

[Anonymous]

Possible responses:

"I got this mom"

"Thanks for your concern"

"Oh mom, you forget how old I am, silly!"

Anything to change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling them anything.

When they overstep, put more distance between you.

[Anonymous]

You handle it by drawing more firm boundaries. So you DON'T tell them details, only ever overviews.

You: Sorry I won't be able to attend Christmas; have a great time!
Mom: Why? What's wrong?
You: I'm getting over something. Merry Christmas!
Mom: Are you sick? WHAT'S WRONG? Are you hydrating? Did you try blowing your nose? How is your poop?
You: Mom. I'm handling it, thanks for your concern though. I just want you to enjoy the holidays.
Mom: Why are you being so secretive and dramatic? I just want to know about your poop.
You: Mom, I'm a grown woman. When you were my age you were married with 3 kids and a full time job. You felt fully competent as an adult. Just like I do now.
Mom: Why can't you let me love you? I just care about you.
You: I appreciate that. That's why I'm going to rest now. By, love you.
END SCENE

You are never obligated to answer people's questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by drawing more firm boundaries. So you DON'T tell them details, only ever overviews.

You: Sorry I won't be able to attend Christmas; have a great time!
Mom: Why? What's wrong?
You: I'm getting over something. Merry Christmas!
Mom: Are you sick? WHAT'S WRONG? Are you hydrating? Did you try blowing your nose? How is your poop?
You: Mom. I'm handling it, thanks for your concern though. I just want you to enjoy the holidays.
Mom: Why are you being so secretive and dramatic? I just want to know about your poop.
You: Mom, I'm a grown woman. When you were my age you were married with 3 kids and a full time job. You felt fully competent as an adult. Just like I do now.
Mom: Why can't you let me love you? I just care about you.
You: I appreciate that. That's why I'm going to rest now. By, love you.
END SCENE

You are never obligated to answer people's questions.

This is way too drawn out.

My mom is exactly like this. I kid you not, if she calls me at like 830 in the morning, she always asks if she woke me up. Or sometimes if I sound "down" to her when she calls in the afternoon she'll ask if I just woke up from a nap. She thinks I am sleeping all the time, it's so weird.

The only thing that helps my sanity is when she goes off on one of her rants, I just put the phone on mute or just don't say anything until she's done. Then I change the subject. EVERY SINGLE TIME. The fist few times it was awkward, but now that's just how I interact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Possible responses:

"I got this mom"

"Thanks for your concern"

"Oh mom, you forget how old I am, silly!"

Anything to change the subject.

I disagree. Do not just you platitudes for someone like this. You give them answers that say you've already resolved the issue.

When your mother sends you links about antibiotics you say "I consulted a doctor, Mom. I'm following the doctors orders since he went to medical school for this." Anything that does not say that you took an adult action and resolved it only encourages such people to continue to try to solve your problems.

Always make sure that you have resolved any issue before you let her know what happened so that you can tell her what you've done as soon as she tries to step in.

[Anonymous]

You care too much about what your mother thinks. Just say ‘ok thanks’ and let it roll off you.

[Anonymous]

This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

She's contacting you way too much. Talk to her like once a week. This would drive me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

I would respond "Following doctor's orders and doing better. I'll be resting so won't be checking my phone much today." And then ignoring anything for the rest of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

I would respond "Following doctor's orders and doing better. I'll be resting so won't be checking my phone much today." And then ignoring anything for the rest of the day.

So then what about the next day when the whole cycle starts over again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds bearable, she's not barging in with soup and rearranging cabinets. In her mind, she thinks she's showing her love and it will be extremely hard to change old habits. It's easier for her to revert to childhood patterns than see you as a competent adult. As annoying as it is, at least it comes from a place of love.

BTDT. Take the advice about not giving details. They will get defensive if you call them out for treating you like a child, don't do it. It is mean because they aren't capable of viewing as you do and don't understand your reaction. You changed; they didn't keep up.

If you slip up and tell them too much, try to let it roll off as often as you can.

In my case, my mom is much better now that I have kids but occasionally I have to remind her I'm grown. She's actually open to my point of view but she just can't help herself.

I get that, but it's intrusive. She has sent me four texts today asking me how I'm feeling. I didn't respond to the first one, so she keeps sending me "?" texts every few hours or so. Here's the thing: if I respond and say "doing better, thanks", then that opens up a whole new can of worms. There will be multiple follow up questions: "Do you still have a fever?", "Did you go back to work today?", "Are you sanitizing your house so your family doesn't get it?", "Are the antibiotics messing up your stomach?" etc etc. Once I respond at all she knows I have my phone on me so she takes that opportunity to pepper me with more questions. It's never just the one question. I would be ok with answering just the first question, but she asks a rather innocuous one first in order to test the waters for the ones she really wants to ask. -OP

I would respond "Following doctor's orders and doing better. I'll be resting so won't be checking my phone much today." And then ignoring anything for the rest of the day.

So then what about the next day when the whole cycle starts over again?

Good question.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you'll have to do the broken record technique with them.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same dynamic and honestly we need to work on not caring. That's all we can do. Of course I limit contact. Of course I try to avoid sensitive subjects. But since we have a loving relationship, despite everything, there will be times I will let my guard down and let something slip, and suffer the consequences. Well, you and me have to get to the point where we don't care any more.

Still not there yet.