How to announce a pet to disapproving parents?

[Anonymous]

For real? Assuming you’re an adult, you say “we got a dog.”

[Anonymous]

put the dog in the xmas card photo and let them ask about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this such an issue if your parents don't live with you and are not supporting you financially? Simply state that you now have a dog and let them say what they want.
My parents live in Asia and have dim views of how Americans treat their pets. I have two giant dogs and don't let ther comments affect me. I keep the dogs gated away from my parents rooms when they visit me and don't allow them to slobber over my parents but otherwise we stick to our routine.

What does the bolded mean?

Different poster but I know what the PP means. It's the whole "dogs as family" mentality that is common in the US but appears frivolous in other cultures. I just watched a series about Hasidic Jews and one of the stories was about the grandson bringing home a stray dog and was told off by his grandpa because it's impure and they should give it away to the secular Jews who will give it a yard and feed it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Are you an adult? Do they live with you? I truly cannot understand how this is an issue. Who cares what they think?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Are you an adult? Do they live with you? I truly cannot understand how this is an issue. Who cares what they think?

This

Yeah. If ever there was a troll, it’s OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Are you a student in a dorm and have to bring the dog back to them to take care of? And a question... how do Americans treat their pets? I am from Eastern Europe, I treat my pets probably more indulgently than Americans.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it.

My (late) sister, who was an animal lover, married a guy who had grown up on a farm where animals were considered strictly outdoors (they did not have livestock, they may have had some cats to keep mice down). His parents were also fairly uptight generally. Her MIL has an immaculate, carefully decorated house (managed to find lavender TP for the gest bathroom to match the guest room lavender décor). One of the reasons her husband was attracted to her was her general rebel/free-spirit persona. Her MIL generally gave off a disapproving vibe and sometimes back-handed comments although not outright nagging and criticizing.

OP is referring to her own parents, who are going to be less inhibited about expressing their opinions to their own daughter, have drastically differing views on having a dog, and are going to tell her the reasons she shouldn't have a dog and likely not let up on the topic.

OP, I think you should, if possible, engineer a major dog-barking moment while on the phone with your parents. (Heck, play a youtube video if you need). Then when your mom says "what's that noise? It sounds like a dog! Who brought a dog to your house??) and then you say, "Oh, that's Sparky, remember, I told you about Sparky? We're so glad we got him!"


.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Are you an adult? Do they live with you? I truly cannot understand how this is an issue. Who cares what they think?

Totally agree. This is so weird. Your desire for a pet was bigger than their disapproval. Own that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Asia and have dim views of how Americans treat their pets.

What does the bolded mean?

Different poster but I know what the PP means. It's the whole "dogs as family" mentality that is common in the US but appears frivolous in other cultures. I just watched a series about Hasidic Jews and one of the stories was about the grandson bringing home a stray dog and was told off by his grandpa because it's impure and they should give it away to the secular Jews who will give it a yard and feed it well.

+1 for example in some cultures, dogs are for protection. Feeding and housing them as we do in the west seems decadent and either irresponsible or just silly.

[Anonymous]

OP, respectfully, I wonder of you need some sort of therapy to be able to dismiss their opinion as irrelevant. Who cares what they think? So what if they disapprove?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, I wonder of you need some sort of therapy to be able to dismiss their opinion as irrelevant. Who cares what they think? So what if they disapprove?

New poster. Agree that there is a larger issue here for you, OP. After the holidays consider some therapy (doesn't have to be forever) to see if you can get better perspective on your fear (reluctance, avoidance, whatever you want to call it) re: your parents. The upbringing you describe does warrant getting some professional third party perspective even if you feel you've "overcome" your upbringing. The fact you have spent a year hiding something as totally mundane as a pet from your parents is a red flag that their approval or disapproval still loom too large in your adult mind. As your kids get older, what will you feel you can't tell your parents about? If one kid wants to study subjects of which your parents disapprove, do you lie about what the kids do at school? If you parents disapprove of an activity the kids do, do you pretend your kid doesn't dance or play soccer or whatever? I'd get therapy about this now, before you're stressing about covering up more significant things than a pet.

Regarding the immediate question, as a PP said earlier: Tell them and have a specific distraction ready: "Tell me how uncle X is doing--did he finish that shed" or whatever. Have several of these specific questions ready to change the topic. Do NOT engage if they criticize and do not try to defend your choice. Leave it at, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on or finish the call: "I can only talk another minute--we're leaving to do XYZ" or whatever.

I would not want them talking to the kids on the phone in case they try to badmouth the dog to the kids or they grill the kids. If the kids chat to them do that first then you talk and briefly mention the dog.

And be grateful that you and the parents live in different countries and they can't drop by.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you, everyone.

I know you think I'm crazy, but it's hard to get a healthy perspective when you've lived an entire childhood like this. There is a reason I have put the Atlantic between us, and sometimes it's been easier to just omit truths than hear their endless rigmaroles over all the ways I am ruining my life. I wanted to cut them off at one point, and my husband persuaded me not to, and he was right - they are my closest family and they love me.

I had to laugh over the dog photo for Christmas - this is what crossed my mind! Maybe it will make things easier, plus he's fluffy and white and quite photogenic.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you, everyone.

I know you think I'm crazy, but it's hard to get a healthy perspective when you've lived an entire childhood like this. There is a reason I have put the Atlantic between us, and sometimes it's been easier to just omit truths than hear their endless rigmaroles over all the ways I am ruining my life. I wanted to cut them off at one point, and my husband persuaded me not to, and he was right - they are my closest family and they love me.

I had to laugh over the dog photo for Christmas - this is what crossed my mind! Maybe it will make things easier, plus he's fluffy and white and quite photogenic.

Thanks again.

I get it OP. I understand the concept of not letting their disapproval affect your actions, I.e., get the dog you want. But how do you not let it affect your feelings when they criticize? Let me know when you have an answer.

[Anonymous]

OP. I don’t get it. What are you afraid of? You don’t even live on the same continent anymore. The most They will do is start bashing you over the phone. So you hang up. It’s really not that hard. Plus, are you saying that you really need their approval for everything that you do? Do you call them and ask their permission/opinion when you buy a new car? Do you call and FaceTime your mother about new clothes? Are you an adult? Sorry I’m being so harsh, but as an outsider listening to this I just can’t believe that you don’t have a spine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

Thank you, everyone.

I know you think I'm crazy, but it's hard to get a healthy perspective when you've lived an entire childhood like this. There is a reason I have put the Atlantic between us, and sometimes it's been easier to just omit truths than hear their endless rigmaroles over all the ways I am ruining my life. I wanted to cut them off at one point, and my husband persuaded me not to, and he was right - they are my closest family and they love me.

I had to laugh over the dog photo for Christmas - this is what crossed my mind! Maybe it will make things easier, plus he's fluffy and white and quite photogenic.

Thanks again.

I had a therapist for many years. She had a sign (drawn by a client because she was always telling the client this) that said "You can't make anyone say, do, feel, or think ANYTHING". OP, you know that (obviously). And it's a hassle dealing with certain habits by people you are connected to, given that divorcing your family is not the preferable choice for most people. I think your point was more about minimizing the hassle with your parents. I think the photo is a great idea because you won't have to be talking to them when they see it, so it at least minimizes the hassle out of the gate. In fact, maybe you should make a habit of sending them more photos pertaining to things in your life you would like them to get used to. Good luck!