16YO step-DD coming to live with us full time - rules and expectations?
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Anonymous
All of these bolded things are normal teen behavior and are not rule or argument worthy. Please do not make these things the hill you die on. 17 year old rules should be focused on preparing them for college in a year. I posted about the no curfew but if they want to stay late I will drive. Those are teen rules. No drinking. Call if you are in a compromising position and I will come get you (or friends). Always have a wingman with you to avoid compromising situations. No drugs, period. No vaping. Respect the household and pick up after yourself so we don't get vermin. Do your own laundry (explain that this is so she can function independently in college). Some basic chores that keep the household functioning and so she can learn to be a good roommate. Etc. Etc. You have little ones, so a fair rule would be that whatever she watches or listens to when they are around needs to something that will not damage them, scare them, or scar them. Explain you don't want to be the mom and dad of the 4 year old that no one wants their kid to play with because she talks like a teenager. |
Anonymous
| OP, since you have some time before she moves in: You And DH get a sitter and get to either a family counselor who can work with you on your expectations and the realities of parenting a teen and/or you and DH do some parenting classes that focus on teens and blended families. I do not suggest this as a way to say you'll have problems or are not nice! I say it because you have the great gift of lead time here, so why not use it to take advantage of all the resources you can before she comes? It's not like she's been in the household for years and gradually grew to a HS junior over time with you; you're getting a nearly fully formed young adult all at once in the household full-time and as a parent of a teen girl I strongly advise working with a family counselor or parenting specialist to plan how to integrate her into your household. If your expectations clash with hers it could be a difficult couple of years but it does not have to be....Possibly if you all go to family counseling (with her too) you can come up with a contract of expectations for everyone. |
Anonymous
I agree, this is my teen on weekends too. Sometimes I make a suggestion (about eating, showering, sleep) but the decision is up to her and she has to deal with consequences. Teens need guidance, direction, and reflected feedback and open conversations more than they need rules. I agree that family rules about respect and everyone doing their part are more meaningful than a list of rules. |
Anonymous
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OP here is something to think about.
You are parenting little ones. They and you are at the stage of life when you think of rules in terms of adding rules. When do we add rules? What kind of rules do we need to have? Ooh, I didn't realize xyz would be a problem, now we need to come up with some rules... Sometime around middle school, parenting gradually moves from adding rules to removing rules. You begin to think about how to start letting go and giving them more freedom, not just to succeed but to fail, so you can hopefully turn out a fully functioning young adult when they graduate and move to college, the military or job. Your rule making starts to become about where you can let up and give them freedom, and how you can guide them to maintain their own "rules" to keep themselves safe and moving in the right direction. As a 16 year old, your teenager and you at parents should be at the removing rules part of life, not the adding rules part of life. Parents do that more or less naturally when they raise the kids full time, if not with the oldest then certainly with 2nd, 3rd, 4th siblings. You have gotten some great suggestions from this thread. Please don't overlook them and go into this by looking at this as what rules to add. I promise if you do this, you will have conflict. Have standards of behavior by all means, but make her a part of the process rather than a recipient of your rules. |
Anonymous
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Instead of rules, try collaborating with her in expectations, goals, responsibilities and rights. Tell her this is new situation for all if you, what will make it successful? Compare your hopes and expectations with hers. Give her some autonomy in creating these. Start from a position of mutual trust.
Yes, I've been through this. Communicate family rules, most important goals (homework, safe behavior, good communication, respect), but also privileges (car , freedom to make her own plans with friends, her choices with clothes, etc). |
Anonymous
Great suggestions. |
Anonymous
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At this age, maybe try figuring this out together. She's old enough to understand rules and consequences. Sit down and make a list of her expectations and your expectations. If she feels like she has a say, this will be collaborative rather than adversarial. For example:
Teen: I think I shouldn't have a bedtime. Ever. You and DH: hmmm. We think it's important for your body and mind to get at least X hours of sleep each night, especially on school nights. How can we make this happen? Teen: On school nights I can go to bed by midnight, but no curfew on weekends. You and DH: midnight doesn't seem like enough sleep. How about 11pm on weeknights and we can let you stay up until X on weekends. Then discuss consequences. Ask her what she thinks is fair if she's not following the rules. Listen. My kids are actually tougher on themselves than I would be when I ask them about what consequences they think they should have. You stilll drive the conversation and have hard lines, but you've got to give a little, too. |
Anonymous
This. She's 16, not 6. Presenting her with a list of rules is not setting a good tone. Treat her like what she is--someone nearing adulthood, who can reasonably be expected to help around the house and demonstrate respect for other household members. Things to consider: Will she do her own laundry? If not, what are reasonable rules? (Example: Laundry is on Sunday, and you will wash anything that's in her hamper.) What chores will she do around the house? Do those need to be done on a certain day or time, or can she decide when to do them so long as they are done daily/weekly/as needed? Does she have a curfew? Are there activities she can do without asking permission? How much communication and information do you need from her when she's out? What about having friends over? Does she need to ask? All the time? Sometimes? Spending--what will you pay for? What is she responsible for paying for? Does she get an allowance, and is it enough to cover the things you expect her to pay for? Is she expected to get a job? |
Anonymous
But, ASK her if she wants to babysit whenever you need a babysitter and give plenty of notice. Pay her what you pay other babysitters. |
Anonymous
This is an excellent point. Take care not to fall into an assumption that looking after the younger kids is one of her chores or responsibilities -- her No. 1 responsibilities are schoolwork and being a good family member, but the latter does not mean she becomes a built-in babysitter. It would be easy to fall into the trap of expecting her to "just keep an eye on the kids for a few hours after school this one time" that turns into a regular thing. Even if you pay her, she may not be interested in babysitting. I'm not saying she won't want to do it--she might love it. I'm just saying that household responsibilities should be part of a larger discussion before she moves in. |
Anonymous
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A few thoughts: to make it a dialogue, be sure to ask what her ideas are for how to integrate her into your household. This isn't giving her the job of setting her own rules, but signaling that you understand she is 2 years away from adulthood and so you value her expectation and ideas.
You have already set expectations for weekends during her visits, so I would focus on how school nights and regular week rules are obviously different for everyone involved. Avoid the word "rule" and talk about balancing needs, responsibilities, expectations, given all of the different schedules during a workweek, etc. |
Anonymous
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Op, I have a 15 yo step-son who mostly lives with his mom during the school year (she moved 1 hr away so we see him every other weekend) and then for a longer period over the summer. We also have younger siblings in the house.
A lot of the PPs have given you good advice on a teenager in terms of needing to set expectations with consequences, rather than rules. I am a stricter parent than my DH (and my step-son's mother), so I have learned to let a lot of things go over the years. At 15, my step-son is almost entirely in charge of his own schedule, but we have expectations that we have made clear to him. For example: -he can go to bed whenever he likes, but he needs to be up and at breakfast at 9 AM the next morning - if he can't get himself up, then we will re-visit having a bedtime (he always gets himself up) -he eats meals when the family eats meals -he needs to do basic picking up after himself (pick up dirty clothes, make bed, etc) -he needs to speak respectfully to all adults (and siblings) -no overnight electronics/screens in the bedroom -if he exercised that day, he needs to shower before bed There may be a few more, but that is mostly it - I have let go of any expectations that he will help out with his siblings or with other chores/housework or about any limits on screen time. To be honest, these even the expectations listed here are mostly driven by me - my DH grew up with parents who didn't care about anything as long as he got good grades, so we really do come at parenting different angles. I love my step-son to bits (we have been in each other's lives more more than 10 years), and when I am frustrated with his behavior, I remind myself that he is a great kid, very bright, and he will mature at his own pace. |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks, all. I appreciate it. I definitely want to have a discussion with her and come up with these expectations together, but I don't want to go into the conversation blindly or in bits and pieces, which is exactly why I was gathering some thoughts now versus right before she moves in. These are great starting points. |
Anonymous
This OP....but it really depends on a teenager. Some of them will push your boundaries A LOT and to be frank, it is mostly about being a good roommate at this age. I would not worry so much about vaping, drugs, and other silly stuff. |
Anonymous
This. But I’d outline some regular chores, too. I did this with my two stepdaughters, and I’ve watched my nephew’s step father do it with him. Nothing crazy. Don’t make her Cinderella. Everyone in the house should be doing age-appropriate chores. It seems odd, but it gives the kids a feeling of belonging. They are contributing. This is “their” home, too. Otherwise, they have too much of a guest mentality. Model a well functioning family unit for her, where everyone gives and everyone benefits. |