16YO step-DD coming to live with us full time - rules and expectations?

[Anonymous]

DH was a teen when his daughter was born and not in a relationship with the mom. StepDD has never seen her parents together in a relationship, mom is married and has 4 other children, including 1 with severe special needs. DH and I have 2 toddler-age children of our own. We live about 2 hours apart and see her whenever she wants to come over (used to be every other weekend but since she's gotten older it's sometimes every weekend, once a month, depending on her social life and sports). Both DH and I WOH full time.

StepDD wants to move in with us next summer before starting junior year. She'll be 16. At our house, she has never had any hard-set rules. She's a good kid but your typical teenager and, although DH and I don't always agree with how her mom handles some things, we don't rock the boat. I have also learned to mind my own business since she's not my biological daughter and it's caused some strain between DH and I in the past. Now that she's planning to come live with us full time and not just on weekends, DH is starting to think about what rules and expectations we should set with her so we can continue our conversations and be ready. I have my own opinions, but just curious if anyone has BTDT with suddenly having a teen in the house full time? We've made it clear that living with us full time will not just be like living with us on the weekends where she's pretty much free to do what she wants, but I am also preparing for some rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Probably a good idea to figure out all/most of the rules now and present them to her so she can decide if she still wants to move in with you guys. Her reasons for wanting to move might be relevant (i.e. does she want to move because you guys are lenient on the weekends and she thinks it will be less strict than mom's house). It's a bit of an odd fact pattern that she wants to dramatically alter the custody arrangement this late in the game.

You might also want to manage expectations regarding schedules and how often you guys will be available to take her different places. Obviously with two other really young children your time will be at a premium although maybe she drives?

[Anonymous]

Be welcoming and nice, why is anything else needed at this point? You say she is nice, why try to create issues before hand? Only thing to say is, we tell each other when we go somewhere, ask if you can go somewhere, etc.. Treat her like your own kids, but not exactly as yours are young. treat her as a young adult. I mean, is she moving because she is a major problem child? Are you an option before wilderness camp? Can you both just be nice?

[Anonymous]

Create house rules that everyone follows.
No phones at meals.
Eye contact when speaking with someone
Cleaning up after yourself
Helping to keep the house running.
Introducing friends coming over.

Pay her for babysitting the little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably a good idea to figure out all/most of the rules now and present them to her so she can decide if she still wants to move in with you guys. Her reasons for wanting to move might be relevant (i.e. does she want to move because you guys are lenient on the weekends and she thinks it will be less strict than mom's house). It's a bit of an odd fact pattern that she wants to dramatically alter the custody arrangement this late in the game.

You might also want to manage expectations regarding schedules and how often you guys will be available to take her different places. Obviously with two other really young children your time will be at a premium although maybe she drives?

Thanks - we've definitely chatted about things being different and pushed back a bit on her and that's also why I'm posting now versus after she's already moved in. I don't want to surprise her with a list when she walks in the door with her bags next summer, nor do I want to be wishy-washy. She's wanted to move in with us for years but this is the first time her mom has "agreed" - there's 7 of them living in a small house where she takes on a lot of responsibility taking care of her younger siblings and where they live is very rural so not much to do and takes a long time to get anywhere. She's also a teenage girl so she and her mom butt heads a lot. We plan on buying her a car regardless of where she lives but here there's just more for her to do, she'll get her full license next summer at 16.5. But yes, she'll need to know what's expected of her and make the final decision herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be welcoming and nice, why is anything else needed at this point? You say she is nice, why try to create issues before hand? Only thing to say is, we tell each other when we go somewhere, ask if you can go somewhere, etc.. Treat her like your own kids, but not exactly as yours are young. treat her as a young adult. I mean, is she moving because she is a major problem child? Are you an option before wilderness camp? Can you both just be nice?

I think this a great approach for some extended visits before she moves in full time. Is there any possibility of her coming to stay for a couple of weeks a couple of times before the summer?

I would say to her that you want to work together to make it work, and make the household run smoothly, and use those visits to find the points of conflict (or potential conflict). Then, you present her with what you want to have happen, and you figure out how to get there together. I would also at some point talk to her about what she's worried about, because that is where you're going to get weird push-back that seems to come out of the blue. My guess is she's worried about becoming a permanent, on-call babysitter, because that has probably happened at her mom's house.

If she's not that kind of kid, and you think you're going to have to have very strict rules and expectations, this is going to be tough on everyone and it's best to be prepared for the possibility that you will ultimately have a largely autonomous adult living in your house with your toddlers, because it is very difficult to truly "control" a 16-year-old even for parents who know her very well.

[Anonymous]

Include her in creating the rules. Don't say "no" right off the bat even if her ideas seem loony to you -- say, "I'll think about it," and then come back later with why the answer is no (or better, an alternative that will work for you). If she feels like people actually see and hear her, she will be much more likely to buy in to the household.

[Anonymous]

I'd start with the rules and expectations on her shorter visits NOW. So it can be a subtle shift before next summer. No need to announce "new rules" just do some gentle correcting when she runs astray on her weekend visits.

So, tighten up the ship now with your expectations. Think of every visit as a mini-trial run. Start veering towards where you want to be.

The car should also be a big motivator. I knew as a teen that anything I did wrong would result in me losing the keys and taking the bus/walking everywhere. So no speeding etc where big rules for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be welcoming and nice, why is anything else needed at this point? You say she is nice, why try to create issues before hand? Only thing to say is, we tell each other when we go somewhere, ask if you can go somewhere, etc.. Treat her like your own kids, but not exactly as yours are young. treat her as a young adult. I mean, is she moving because she is a major problem child? Are you an option before wilderness camp? Can you both just be nice?

You automatically assume that we're not nice? She wants to move in with us, of course we're nice! Rules and expectations are needed because she's a teenager and right now her weekends with us consist of staying up at all hours of the night on her phone, eating whatever she pleases, and only showering when she feels like it. She's not a major problem child and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not asking for prison rules here, just advice on how to effectively parent a teenager full time considering my current learning curve is mastering potty training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably a good idea to figure out all/most of the rules now and present them to her so she can decide if she still wants to move in with you guys. Her reasons for wanting to move might be relevant (i.e. does she want to move because you guys are lenient on the weekends and she thinks it will be less strict than mom's house). It's a bit of an odd fact pattern that she wants to dramatically alter the custody arrangement this late in the game.

You might also want to manage expectations regarding schedules and how often you guys will be available to take her different places. Obviously with two other really young children your time will be at a premium although maybe she drives?

Thanks - we've definitely chatted about things being different and pushed back a bit on her and that's also why I'm posting now versus after she's already moved in. I don't want to surprise her with a list when she walks in the door with her bags next summer, nor do I want to be wishy-washy. She's wanted to move in with us for years but this is the first time her mom has "agreed" - there's 7 of them living in a small house where she takes on a lot of responsibility taking care of her younger siblings and where they live is very rural so not much to do and takes a long time to get anywhere. She's also a teenage girl so she and her mom butt heads a lot. We plan on buying her a car regardless of where she lives but here there's just more for her to do, she'll get her full license next summer at 16.5. But yes, she'll need to know what's expected of her and make the final decision herself.

I think the top approach is a good one-I might present it as "rights and responsibilities" so it's not just rules for her, but also shared agreements. I think it probably makes sense if you and DH come to agreement, he presents the rules in an open ended conversation, you and DH discuss, and then DH, you, and SD have a family meeting. Will she have a job this summer? or do an academic program? I think it would probably be good for all of you if she has scheduled commitments outside the house, so you aren't limping home from work with two little kids to find that she's been sprawled on the couch all day surrounded by cereal bowls.

[Anonymous]

I think being open with her that it's a new situation for everyone, and that hiccups are bound to happen is important. Also, being open about the fact that irrational or unreasonable reactions may happen from time to time on both sides, but that you are all committed to making it work, that you love her, and that she can expect you to always have the goal of making everyone in the household as satisfied as possible, and that you expect the same from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be welcoming and nice, why is anything else needed at this point? You say she is nice, why try to create issues before hand? Only thing to say is, we tell each other when we go somewhere, ask if you can go somewhere, etc.. Treat her like your own kids, but not exactly as yours are young. treat her as a young adult. I mean, is she moving because she is a major problem child? Are you an option before wilderness camp? Can you both just be nice?

You automatically assume that we're not nice? She wants to move in with us, of course we're nice! Rules and expectations are needed because she's a teenager and right now her weekends with us consist of staying up at all hours of the night on her phone, eating whatever she pleases, and only showering when she feels like it. She's not a major problem child and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not asking for prison rules here, just advice on how to effectively parent a teenager full time considering my current learning curve is mastering potty training.

Ha, so did she ask to move in because she thinks she will rule the roost at your place? You wrote she is nice.... I assumed she was nice...

[Anonymous]

Read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Let your husband be the heavy when called for. Treat her like you would want your children treated in a similar situation—even when behaving at their worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be welcoming and nice, why is anything else needed at this point? You say she is nice, why try to create issues before hand? Only thing to say is, we tell each other when we go somewhere, ask if you can go somewhere, etc.. Treat her like your own kids, but not exactly as yours are young. treat her as a young adult. I mean, is she moving because she is a major problem child? Are you an option before wilderness camp? Can you both just be nice?

You automatically assume that we're not nice? She wants to move in with us, of course we're nice! Rules and expectations are needed because she's a teenager and right now her weekends with us consist of staying up at all hours of the night on her phone, eating whatever she pleases, and only showering when she feels like it. She's not a major problem child and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not asking for prison rules here, just advice on how to effectively parent a teenager full time considering my current learning curve is mastering potty training.

From what you mention I do think you may have unrealistic expectations on what sort of rules teens should have. I personally would not have rules about showering or bedtime with a 16 year old, a junior. Conversations about getting enough sleep and caring for her body? Sure. But don’t try to make rules about her body, clothes, sleep. I think rules can be around consideration for others in the house - quiet after little kids in bed, home by whatever time, safe driving, contribute to the work of the house. Beyond that try just to enjoy each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create house rules that everyone follows.
No phones at meals.
Eye contact when speaking with someone
Cleaning up after yourself
Helping to keep the house running.
Introducing friends coming over.

Pay her for babysitting the little kids.

Remember that raising a 16 year old is VERY different than raising a toddler, preschooler or even a kid.

Almost all of the rules you have for your little ones will be very inappropriate for your teenager.

One of my rules with my 16 year old boy is that the curfew depends on the event, and if there is something he wants to do that might end a little late (11:00 in my house) he can go but I drive. It cuts back on the opportunities for partying if mom is the one showing up at midnight to get you, and also ensure he won't get into a car with someone who was drinking.

Opposite gender friends are only entertained in common areas (no bedrooms)

Also, let her know you are always happy to give friends rides home. This is the BEST way to get to know who they are hanging out with.