Cannot cope with my 15-yo DS dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking a girl to the school dance is not dating

This. Many high schoolers ask other students to dances. I would suspect that most of the time, they are just friends. I went to quite a few dances with a friend or my friend's brother, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have 15 and 17 year old boys. I agree you need to learn to cope with this, or things will only get worse.

If you cannot cope he will begin to hide things. Then you will really be hurt. You do not want to find out about his girlfriend from a phone call from the girls parents, or from any incidents at school. A girlfriend is a relatively minor step in the grand scheme of things, and a date to homecoming is even smaller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't build a ship to dock it in the marina.

Letting him grow up is hard, but necessary. I'm sure you are an amazing mother and that he knows all too well how much you care about him. Show him that you care and trust him by allowing him to become his own person. If you give him this "permission" he may very well see that you respect him and in turn he will want to share his life with you more often. You can do it!

Like that analogy!

OP, just like when he was little learning to walk and then would fall over and look for you to help him, he's going to start taking "steps" to adulthood like dating -- but that doesn't mean he's not going to need help from you. The best thing you can do for him is exactly what you did when he was little -- offer him support and guidance and a hug when he falls. He's learning how to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. It's practice, just like anything else.

[Anonymous]

IMO it is better for teens to go through the initial trials and tribulations of relationships while still living at home (hence in high school). That way they can come to their parents for advice and you can keep an eye on how they ar handling this normal phase of life. Sort of like having training wheels. If you forbid it and force your DS to wait until college to start dating, then you won’t have any idea how he handles it, none. And all the people I knew in high school who weren’t allowed to date at all (for various reasons, such as religious or uber controlling parents or cultural) went bananas as soon as they went to college and made horrible dating decisions. Horrible. Including my best friend who basically slept with everyone on the first date but couldn’t understand why no guy would ask her for a second. She’s divorced now BTW.

[Anonymous]

I grew up dating late and your husband is right. Your son lives in a different culture with different sets of expectations. Don't be that insane mom. He is growing up. Asking a girl to a dance is a good thing. Smile and be proud and be happy for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking a girl to the school dance is not dating

This op.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the OP's side. We do not let our 15 year old girl to 'date.' She goes to school dances with friends. I know that she is probably dancing with boys at the dance, and who knows what happens at bigger parties. And we are fine with her chatting, etc. with boys on the phone. But we think she should focus on her studies and her sports and not get drawn into the drama of dating, boyfriends, breakups, etc.

I understand what some are saying about dating in HS being like having training wheels. But HS kids are so immature that they NEED the training wheels and guidance. I can see my dd maturing a lot between 14 and 15 and hope to see more between 15 and 18. At 18, I think you are more ready for the drama (and hopefully can better avoid some of it).

[Anonymous]

All you are teaching your teen is that they cannot be honest with you.

They will date behind your back.

They will also have sex (usually without protection, since they would have to secure birth control on their own)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the OP's side. We do not let our 15 year old girl to 'date.' She goes to school dances with friends. I know that she is probably dancing with boys at the dance, and who knows what happens at bigger parties. And we are fine with her chatting, etc. with boys on the phone. But we think she should focus on her studies and her sports and not get drawn into the drama of dating, boyfriends, breakups, etc.

I understand what some are saying about dating in HS being like having training wheels. But HS kids are so immature that they NEED the training wheels and guidance. I can see my dd maturing a lot between 14 and 15 and hope to see more between 15 and 18. At 18, I think you are more ready for the drama (and hopefully can better avoid some of it).

That's what my mom thought.....
I think a better approach is to be honest with your kids about your concerns. As in, "I don't want to forbid you from dating, and you're at an age where you're going to make some of your own choices, but these are my concerns. I worry that when you're a teen, emotions are all really intense, and that you might think you're in love with someone and make decisions that will affect you long-term based on what are really intense but short-term feelings. I worry that the boys are not very mature and don't know how to treat girls well at that age, and that you won't have the independence to stand up to them when they take advantage. ..." Whatever. I actually haven't tried this yet, as mine is a couple years away from that, but I feel like it's probably more helpful to explain what the concerns are then to just ban dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the OP's side. We do not let our 15 year old girl to 'date.' She goes to school dances with friends. I know that she is probably dancing with boys at the dance, and who knows what happens at bigger parties. And we are fine with her chatting, etc. with boys on the phone. But we think she should focus on her studies and her sports and not get drawn into the drama of dating, boyfriends, breakups, etc.

I understand what some are saying about dating in HS being like having training wheels. But HS kids are so immature that they NEED the training wheels and guidance. I can see my dd maturing a lot between 14 and 15 and hope to see more between 15 and 18. At 18, I think you are more ready for the drama (and hopefully can better avoid some of it).

That is how my parents thought.

My older sister found an abusive, controlling boyfriend at school behind their back, complete with a whackadoodle mom who facilitated sneaking around our parents to the point that she would write forged notes to sneak her out of school so the two of them could be together, because she was so offended when our parents found out about the relationship and didn't want them dating. My obedient, respectful, dream child sister ended up pregnant at 16 by him.

Now, not saying that your kid will do the same, but when you have really rigid rules about these kinds of things, many teens will find a way to sneak around them.

[Anonymous]

OP, my dad always tells me that his mother used to say "it makes me sad to know that you're leaving home, but it would make me even more sad if you never left."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO it is better for teens to go through the initial trials and tribulations of relationships while still living at home (hence in high school). That way they can come to their parents for advice and you can keep an eye on how they ar handling this normal phase of life. Sort of like having training wheels. If you forbid it and force your DS to wait until college to start dating, then you won’t have any idea how he handles it, none. And all the people I knew in high school who weren’t allowed to date at all (for various reasons, such as religious or uber controlling parents or cultural) went bananas as soon as they went to college and made horrible dating decisions. Horrible. Including my best friend who basically slept with everyone on the first date but couldn’t understand why no guy would ask her for a second. She’s divorced now BTW.

Realizing that I agree with what's said above helped me get on board with my 15 yr old dating. It completely stressed me out at first. But, she and the her now BF are settling into a nice relationship (they support one another, respect one another and don't see each other constantly but rather maintain their independent relationships). I would so much rather my kids develop some relationship skills in their teens than just gather experiences in the "hook-up" culture. BTW college dating is also more likely to be fueled by alcohol so that's not a great learning environment. It helps that I really like BF and I think he's a good influence on my DD. But even negative experiences are valuable learning experiences. As for OP's feeling like DS is pulling away. Sadly that comes with the teen territory whether he's dating or not. Hang in there, it's hard. But as other's have said. A homecoming date does not often become an girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi: I grew up pretty conservatively and sheltered. Started dating in college. Also, I am from an ethnic minority where dating frowned upon this young. My son asked a girl to homecoming. I prefer that he just goes with a group. My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs. I really think he is too young for all of this and would prefer he focus on school and he can date in college. He is a responsible kid. I know this is my issue, but I cannot seem to cope with it or convince myselk that this is ok? Part of the reason I know is that he is pretty closed off at home and with his sister, so it is hurtful for me to see him forging relationships with a girl when he can't at home....help...

OP, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you really need to get with the program, get over yourself, and realize that you are only hurting your DC by "sheltering" or trying to "control" them. They are not robots. Other PPs are correct: if you are too strict, teens will go behind your back. You are only spiting yourself. Get yourself some professional help, so you can be more open to appropriate social norms and current times.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard, OP, because you’re nervous for your DS and because he’s growing up. It’s probably extra hard for you because the expectations are so different from what you experienced at his age. What I love about your post, though, is that it’s clear that you want to get this right. You realize that, while it’s hard for you, it’s necessary, too.

Start with something small. Be excited for your DS. He successfully asked a girl to homecoming. It’s hard for boys to find the courage to ask someone, but your DS did and the girl said yes. He probably got a little rush from the success, and it undoubtedly helped boost his confidence. Those are great things!

When my oldest DS started “liking” girls in fifth grade, I started training myself to respond in an honest but measured way so that, as he got older, he’d continue to be comfortable talking with me about girls and relationships. I was always careful not to take away his feeing of agency even if I didn’t like a particular girl. It really paid off - he’s in high school now, and he still comes to me for advice and just to talk. I’ve noticed that the subtle message I worked for years to impart - find someone who respects you and herself, someone with similar goals, someone who makes you laugh and is fun to talk to - seems to have stuck. Maybe he would have made those choices anyway, but I like to think my guidance helped.

You’re setting the stage for your relationship with him for the rest of his life based on how you handle this.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My parents were very conservative and didn't allow me any social freedom of any kind, let alone dating. My mother called me horrible names the day I wore short shorts and a tank top as a teen and would buy me the baggiest clothes to wear to school, with the self-esteem and social consequences you can imagine.

I escaped across the Atlantic at 21 with my boyfriend, who looking back, was not the perfect match for me, and have been living in the US ever since. We married and have two children.

I'm not sure whether my parents understood that their forced suffocating isolation led to my making rash decisions, but I surely hope so.

I will not be raising my children this way.