Cannot cope with my 15-yo DS dating

[Anonymous]

Hi: I grew up pretty conservatively and sheltered. Started dating in college. Also, I am from an ethnic minority where dating frowned upon this young. My son asked a girl to homecoming. I prefer that he just goes with a group. My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs. I really think he is too young for all of this and would prefer he focus on school and he can date in college. He is a responsible kid. I know this is my issue, but I cannot seem to cope with it or convince myselk that this is ok? Part of the reason I know is that he is pretty closed off at home and with his sister, so it is hurtful for me to see him forging relationships with a girl when he can't at home....help...

[Anonymous]

Get a good therapist to help you, OP, now,
BEFORE you ruin your poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi: I grew up pretty conservatively and sheltered. Started dating in college. Also, I am from an ethnic minority where dating frowned upon this young. My son asked a girl to homecoming. I prefer that he just goes with a group. My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs. I really think he is too young for all of this and would prefer he focus on school and he can date in college. He is a responsible kid. I know this is my issue, but I cannot seem to cope with it or convince myselk that this is ok? Part of the reason I know is that he is pretty closed off at home and with his sister, so it is hurtful for me to see him forging relationships with a girl when he can't at home....help...

Your husband is right. Your son has a right to his own life and that includes developing friendships/relationships outside the family unit.

Not sure what the relationship w/ his sister has to do w/ him going to homecoming though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a good therapist to help you, OP, now,
BEFORE you ruin your poor children.

+1

I’m sorry you grew up that way, but please try to stop the cycle. Let him enjoy and do it with a smile. It will mean the world to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi: I grew up pretty conservatively and sheltered. Started dating in college. Also, I am from an ethnic minority where dating frowned upon this young. My son asked a girl to homecoming. I prefer that he just goes with a group. My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs. I really think he is too young for all of this and would prefer he focus on school and he can date in college. He is a responsible kid. I know this is my issue, but I cannot seem to cope with it or convince myselk that this is ok? Part of the reason I know is that he is pretty closed off at home and with his sister, so it is hurtful for me to see him forging relationships with a girl when he can't at home....help...

Gee, I wonder why that is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good therapist to help you, OP, now,
BEFORE you ruin your poor children.

+1

I’m sorry you grew up that way, but please try to stop the cycle. Let him enjoy and do it with a smile. It will mean the world to him.

+2. It seems from OP's description that DS has also been held back from friendships or that OP doesn't know about them, if DS appears closed off at home. If he is living two separate lives, then the relationship OP has with him is illusory.

[Anonymous]

Asking a girl to the school dance is not dating

[Anonymous]

The people i knew who got in really bad relationships (or lack of relationships) in college were the ones that were sheltered in high school. What you see as protection could actually cause more harm in the long run. Someti as parents we have to let our kids do something that makes us really uncomfortable. I think this is one of those times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people i knew who got in really bad relationships (or lack of relationships) in college were the ones that were sheltered in high school. What you see as protection could actually cause more harm in the long run. Someti as parents we have to let our kids do something that makes us really uncomfortable. I think this is one of those times.

OP here. I appreciate the responses, of course which are not easy to hear, but it is what is healthy and what I need to get myself to accept...I'm just having a VERY hard time accepting it.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT make a big deal about this unless you want to push him away and make relationships hard for him in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people i knew who got in really bad relationships (or lack of relationships) in college were the ones that were sheltered in high school. What you see as protection could actually cause more harm in the long run. Someti as parents we have to let our kids do something that makes us really uncomfortable. I think this is one of those times.

OP here. I appreciate the responses, of course which are not easy to hear, but it is what is healthy and what I need to get myself to accept...I'm just having a VERY hard time accepting it.

What is your big fear? That DS will change his life plans because he starts to date? Or that it is against your culture/disrespect?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think it is a cultural thing and also a bit of loss of control. Like we don't feel so close to him to begin with and now he will be getting closer to someone else? If that makes sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT make a big deal about this unless you want to push him away and make relationships hard for him in the future.

Plus 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it is a cultural thing and also a bit of loss of control. Like we don't feel so close to him to begin with and now he will be getting closer to someone else? If that makes sense?

Yes it makes sense and yes that is exactly what they are supposed to start doing at this age- breaking away emotionally. They come back if you handle it well.

[Anonymous]

You don't build a ship to dock it in the marina.

Letting him grow up is hard, but necessary. I'm sure you are an amazing mother and that he knows all too well how much you care about him. Show him that you care and trust him by allowing him to become his own person. If you give him this "permission" he may very well see that you respect him and in turn he will want to share his life with you more often. You can do it!