Cannot cope with my 15-yo DS dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi: I grew up pretty conservatively and sheltered. Started dating in college. Also, I am from an ethnic minority where dating frowned upon this young. My son asked a girl to homecoming. I prefer that he just goes with a group. My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs. I really think he is too young for all of this and would prefer he focus on school and he can date in college. He is a responsible kid. I know this is my issue, but I cannot seem to cope with it or convince myselk that this is ok? Part of the reason I know is that he is pretty closed off at home and with his sister, so it is hurtful for me to see him forging relationships with a girl when he can't at home....help...

While you may have, your son and his peers are not growing up that way. When you impose such unique constraints on your child, you are going to isolate him from his peers and friends. They do not have such restrictions and by forcing him to adhere to such constraints it makes him different. Teenagers can be quite cruel to those who are different and cannot participate in many of the general activities that peers do together.

If you know that he is a responsible kid, talk to him about your expectations for dating, how you expect him to behave, what you expect him to do and what time you expect him home, how and when to contact you. Then you have to trust him to follow your instructions because you know that he is a responsible kid. Going to the prom is not the same as dating. Going to the prom is a one time event. Dating is a recurring event.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Wow, thanks for all of the advice, I am honestly absorbing all of the comments and really am trying to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH believes that if we forbid him to do these things, he will do them anyway, but behind our backs.

This was definitely the case for one of my H.S. peers from a conservative family. She wasn't allowed to date but wanted a relationship. so friends covered up for them.

[Anonymous]

OP acknowledges that she is coming from a different culture, different societal expectations.

It’s makes me sad that we as Americans can’t make our points on this sensitive issue more respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP acknowledges that she is coming from a different culture, different societal expectations.

It’s makes me sad that we as Americans can’t make our points on this sensitive issue more respectfully.

It's really not an Americans vs other cultures debate. I grew up very conservatively right here in the US, but I have not been able to raise my sons to be as sheltered as I was 25 years ago. It's really about adapting and adjusting to changes in American society as well.

[Anonymous]

I’m female, and I grew up with a really controlling mom, and didn’t date til college. Actually at that point it wasn’t dating, it was getting crushes and then sleeping with someone then realizing they weren’t interested in a relationship. It would have been so much better if I’d done some age-appropriate dating when I was younger. Do get some therapy for yourself, op. It IS hard to loosen the strings but I agree your relationship with your son will be better for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP acknowledges that she is coming from a different culture, different societal expectations.

It’s makes me sad that we as Americans can’t make our points on this sensitive issue more respectfully.

Her kids are American and she is living in an American culture.

Being direct is not synonymous with being disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking a girl to the school dance is not dating

Agree.

[Anonymous]

You're getting a lot of really good advice. Asking a girl to a high school dance is a nice, normal, age-appropriate thing to do. It may never advance beyond this. But asking her, and taking her, are nice ways to get some social practice without any high stakes.

I didn't love it when my son started dating, but I knew I would only push him away if I showed a strong reaction.

[Anonymous]

I admire your self awareness and wisdom here, OP. I am sorry people are being judgy and flippant. I can see you are trying to develop a perspective on this that transcends your experience, but it's hard. I was also raised conservatively but was allowed to date. I am glad my daughters have no interest in dating, but if they did, I would not try to stop them. As a previous poster said, going to the dance is not even really dating. Even if he does date, that doesn't necessarily mean being distracted or having sex or any of the other dating fears. As others said, if you try to stop him you will drive a wedge between you. You may already be dealing with this if you are conservative with rules. I would encourage you to try to get him to trust you with what is going on in his life. You can't control him, but if he trusts you, he will probably listen to you. That's about the best you can hope for.

As for the relationship w/ his sister, that is a sibling issue and totally unrelated to girls he would be interested in dating. I can see how you view it as competition in terms of time and interest, but it just isn't. Siblings are there own thing!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP,

My sister dated a perfectly nice kid in HS when they were about 15. His mom loathed the idea of her son dating anyone and made it her life’s work to be unwelcoming and sometimes flat out mean to my sister. Big mistake. Her son was at our house 4 afternoons out of 5, ate dinner with us more than at his own home, and spent lots of time with our family on the weekend. My sister picked up on his mom’s dislike and just refused to go to his house. She told him flat out she could tell the mom did not want her around so she wouldn’t be spending time at their house. So he came to ours. My mom was a SAHM and 100% knew to be welcoming, but not permissive so they did homework and household chores after school and then he would often wind up staying for dinner. Let me tell you, that mom regretted her actions. My sister was a good student, a nice kid, and was frankly more ambitious than the boyfriend. She pushed him to excel more and he did homework more consistently because she was serious about doing well in school. The mom should have been thanking my sister instead of being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

prefer he focus on school

OP - DD and her boyfriend, while they dated had their best semester grades ever. ALL A Honor Roll which in our school is the top 3% of the class. DO NOT ASSUME your son's dating will result in lower grades. In another instance, a different boyfriend a year later, boyfriend's mother insisted they not continue to date because that particular boy was struggling in chemistry. DD was great at chemistry and offered to tutor him at he kitchen table w/Mom watching, Mom declined. Good things can come of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't build a ship to dock it in the marina.


Like that analogy!

Me, too! I’m totally using it!

[Anonymous]

It’s not easy OP. My DS 15 (showed me a few days later) sent a text to a girl last week and wrote a sweet sentiment that she is pretty, has a great personality and sense of humor. He asked if she wanted to hang out and invite others if she wanted. She shot him down (nicely), aww that’s so sweet but I see you as a friend. He’s fine, but for me it was like taking a bullet lol. We spoke briefly. I told him that he should not be awkward around her and and carry on the friendship. I think it’s young, too. But I am proud that he tried! He’s so sweet and handsome SMH haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it is a cultural thing and also a bit of loss of control. Like we don't feel so close to him to begin with and now he will be getting closer to someone else? If that makes sense?

If he starts dating the girl, could you invite her to dinner?