Does a bad first year spell doom for your marriage ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this...every time I've seen a couple on Facebook write a 1 year anniversary post that alludes to their "ups and downs," that couple later divorces.

Ridiculous. Most people, I would hope, wouldn’t post the intimate details of their marriage on stupid Facebook. I think that what that is illustrating is not the state of their marriage but gross immaturity.
Also I’d be more worried about those that post their ‘perfect marriage’ photos - those people are more likely to literally kill each other some day.

[Anonymous]

Were the fights bumps that got resolved? Or are they on going issues.

DH and I had a few minor bumps, but relatively good first years. The bumps were the usual first living together issues that we worked out.

BBF had a rough first year. They never worked it out. And 12 years later, she is miserable but won’t get out. And I see how much it is damaging her kid.

[Anonymous]

DH and I had a terrible first year. Lots of stressful events and fighting. It was pretty bad. Our sixth anniversary is next month and we are doing very well and I'm optimistic about the future. We've gone to therapy and have both put in a lot of hard work to make our marriage better.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]No. It means that you are immature idiots who are jockeying for power in the relationship. Stupid and short sighted but you can turn it around if you want to.

Quit it!! Treat each other with respect and love and like you are great friends. If you can’t get it together find a good counselor.[/quote]


I agree with this. DH and I had a very rough first year of marriage due to this (also some external stressors), and really have a different marriage now fifteen years later. Much more give and take, far less fighting (rare now). My question for OP would be are these small issues or fundamental compatibility issues? If the former, try to let more go and hopefully your spouse will respond in kind. If the latter, head to therapy to see if a resolution is viable.

[Anonymous]

Relationship counselor here. FWIW I can say that the biggest mistake I see engaged people making is assuming that their dating bliss/chemistry will be sustained throughout their marriage. This is actually a pretty common mistake to make, and because it's often embarrassing for newlyweds to talk about, there's little opportunity to normalize it.

That initial spark isn't supposed to last. It brings you together, but then the work is building a deeper, more mature intimacy and deciding together what you want your life together and your relationship to look like.

If this sounds familiar, then you need to start looking at the facets of your life that need work and figure them out together. Whether or not this particular relationship ends up lasting, it's useful to have a good understanding of what makes a happy and mutually satisfying relationship happen.

[Anonymous]

I think the answer is a big "it depends." The first year of marriage can be rough, especially if you didn't live together first (which isn't a judgment on living together or not; we didn't and I don't regret it). The thrill and excitement of planning and anticipating the wedding is over, and now you're settling in to regular life together, including adjusting to new roles, potentially new expectations of each other, etc. That can create conflict. I think one thing to think about is whether you've gotten better over the past year at resolving conflict when it arises. Managing conflict in a healthy way is really important for a good marriage, so if you can look back and honestly say, "Yes, we've learned a lot about how to disagree cooperatively and fight fairly," then your first year was really productive toward a happy marriage. If, on the other hand, you look back at the year and think, "No, we're still fighting about the same stuff and if anything we seem to be getting more entrenched in respective sides," that's a problem and worth taking to a marriage counselor for some help.

[Anonymous]

You need to have children. Your common love for the children and your work to together raising them will bring you together.

[Anonymous]

Our first couple of years were tough, OP. We were only 22 years old. We had no money. We were just so clueless. We truly thought love could conquer anything. Just so naive about the real world. We will celebrate 30 years of marriage in a few weeks. It got much, much better.

[Anonymous]

Have kids-it will make everything work out and save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have children. Your common love for the children and your work to together raising them will bring you together.

Horrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have children. Your common love for the children and your work to together raising them will bring you together.

Lol, no.

[Anonymous]

We had a bad first year due to very challenging and unforeseen circumstances, which actually ended up lasting years 1-3. We are in year 4 now and life is better.

I still have doubts about the marriage at times because years 1-3 were so difficult to navigate as a couple and we fought a lot. We did improve in our ability to work as a team but we still suffer from some fundamental incompatibility.

I will likely stay in the marriage but if I could do it all again I probably would have left year 1. Not sure if I will have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? I know people who married very, very young (<25) and went through a lot of growing pains early on in the marriage. Those people got through it, and went on to be very happily married as they went through the maturing process.

The people I know who are closer to 30 (or older) who went through this...well, it usually spelled more disaster. At that age, especially if you don't have children, you shouldn't be getting your ass kicked by adulthood so hard. I think in these couples, it is more of a sign that they're poorly suited to each other or grown-up life in general.

I think a very rough first year also spells disaster in couples who cohabitated for years before getting married. I think, in many of those couples, that there was always deep ambivalence about getting married. Now they've tried it on for size and sh*t is just getting a little too real. Many of these people got married out of inertia, even though it was never really right.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is what you make it. If you work hard, you will likely yield good results. Listen to your spouse. Stop thinking you are right all the time. Recognize when you are hurting them and stop. Disagree respectfully, and take a time out if you need to cool down, then revisit the discussion. Sometimes it is better to play wrong (even when you are right) to save your marriage. Never underestimate the effect of love, forgiveness, loyalty, and good sex. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

We had a horrible first year. We had dated for 5 years and got married when we wanted kids, so it wasn’t a new relationship. We had an external stressor that lasted 2 years. The on,t thing that kept me in our marriage was that I was pregnant.

We just celebrated 5 years married and we are very happy and love each other a LOT. It took hard work on the relationship and learning how to communicate effectively with each other on topics when we disagree. We saw a therapist for a while. Honestly, was sure we were going to make it that first year, but so glad we put in the effort.