nag vs not doing things right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here - I would hate it too if I was constantly nagged AND I knew I did something wrong. That's double trouble there. First off, you have to stop with the nagging and have a sit down with your husband. If he's disorganized and has a cluttered mind (lots on his mind, etc), then he will continue to forget things or misplace things. Lots of your challenges seem easily fixable - I recommend just sitting down with him rather than leave him little reminders. Or, just do them yourself.

Sitting down with him and what exactly? Ask him not to leave box cutters on the end table and every other detail of things? Doing everything myself isn’t feasible, I already do a lot of it but the solution to being careless about things can’t possibly be don’t worrry honey your wife will do literally everything for the kids and domestic chores

NP here, but that’s what I would say. “It isn’t feasible for me to work and do all of the domestic stuff. So either you need to pick up some of the slack, or we are going to get a post-nup and figure out how to live on one income, so I can take care of everything at home.”

[Anonymous]

This is quite annoying. My dh can be the same way.

Sometimes you have to let natural consequences do their thing. When the baby wakes up soaking wet, it's dh's job to get up and change her. Tell him you're giving the dog walker his number so he can handle the calls.

Some things you might just have to be in charge of, by either reminding him, or doing it yourself. Every time he leaves something dangerous out, pick it up and say "you left this knife where the toddler can get it," and hand it to him. At bedtime, "Honey, can you help Larlo brush teeth while I get Larla in the tub?" (I do a LOT of that. That way I'm specifically reminding him of the thing, but also pointing out that I'm busy too). Buy extra dishes or containers so you'll always have a set Clean in the morning (I did that, too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

+1 - it’s a absurd that a wife should be greatful for a husband to do a portion of the domestic work. I’m a DW - I’m going to start trying “helping” with 20% of the house and kid chores in a somewhat mediocre way and wait for people to sing my praises for being willing to do anything at all

[phone]!

I feel for OP, this is how it is in my household too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

Sometimes I wonder how men would feel if women required the same hand holding to accomplish traditionally male division of labor. For example, if he needed to make his wife a checklist of her upcoming deadlines at work so she didn’t lose her job. Then if he complained that she wasn’t keeping up with her tasks even though he brought in most of the income, someone would say:

“What I’m hearing is that your wife already has a hand in getting herself to work, writing reports, planning projects and getting back home. That sounds like quite a bit even if it’s not done to your standards. So, it isn’t as though she’s not willing to help out financially, I think you just need to specialize a little bit and help her find her niche. Is it that a big deal to remind her when her projects are due? Pick up her dry cleaning for that important luncheon and help proofread a presentation? Maybe try to be more supportive?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do this for everything, but you can enforce some consequences for him:

He puts on a day diaper at night: he has to wake up to change it

Forgets dog leash: give the walker his number so she can pester him instead. Is your yard fenced in? Walker can just let the dog out in the yard to use the bathroom.

Let him pack lunches in the morning so he can see what a pain it is without clean dishes.

This. Let him deal with the consequences of his half-assed work.

[Anonymous]

He does a lot, just not very well so start with a compliment with thoughts on how to improve that will help make it easier for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

Sometimes I wonder how men would feel if women required the same hand holding to accomplish traditionally male division of labor. For example, if he needed to make his wife a checklist of her upcoming deadlines at work so she didn’t lose her job. Then if he complained that she wasn’t keeping up with her tasks even though he brought in most of the income, someone would say:

“What I’m hearing is that your wife already has a hand in getting herself to work, writing reports, planning projects and getting back home. That sounds like quite a bit even if it’s not done to your standards. So, it isn’t as though she’s not willing to help out financially, I think you just need to specialize a little bit and help her find her niche. Is it that a big deal to remind her when her projects are due? Pick up her dry cleaning for that important luncheon and help proofread a presentation? Maybe try to be more supportive?”

+1,000,000. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

He sounds really immature and out-of-it.

How did he make it this far? You'd think someone like this would have been hit by a car or fallen down a deep hole by now. Perhaps he was very sheltered by his father and mother or housekeeper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here - I would hate it too if I was constantly nagged AND I knew I did something wrong. That's double trouble there. First off, you have to stop with the nagging and have a sit down with your husband. If he's disorganized and has a cluttered mind (lots on his mind, etc), then he will continue to forget things or misplace things. Lots of your challenges seem easily fixable - I recommend just sitting down with him rather than leave him little reminders. Or, just do them yourself.

No way. OP's DH needs to GET IT TOGETHER. He's operating like a child who needs a wifey mommy when in reality he needs to grow up, be a real father and husband, and contribute to the household.

Old saying: Don't do one task and create two more to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

His role in doing these things should include the consequences of not doing them properly. So, the dog walker should call him if she can't find the leash, and he should get up at 2AM to change a sopping diaper and clothing if that's what happens as a result of him using the wrong diaper.

On the kitchen, OP, I would just abdicate and order takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just this morning I realized we need a morning checklist. When my husband is helping to get the kids get ready in the morning he waits for me to tell him each and every step (and can't handle too many steps at once) and just stands there or starts chatting in between my requests of what he should be doing next. It irritates both of us. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he needs a list because to me it is obvious that if the kids haven't put on their shoes and it's 5 minutes to leave, you need to tell them to put their shoes on.

I think a checklist would work for most of your issues (also ask *him* what needs to be on the checklist so he has ownership and maybe there's stuff he'd like to see that you don't do). The cleaning kitchen checklist would include the dishwasher; nighttime checklist includes type of diaper, etc. That won't help the dangerous objects issue or likely other issues, but don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

he, and likely his whole family, have ADHD Inattentive.

he needs to see a psychiatrist for meds (that will help him pay attention) and get executive functioning therapy (to help him get organized in a way that is effective for his ADHD brain).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just this morning I realized we need a morning checklist. When my husband is helping to get the kids get ready in the morning he waits for me to tell him each and every step (and can't handle too many steps at once) and just stands there or starts chatting in between my requests of what he should be doing next. It irritates both of us. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he needs a list because to me it is obvious that if the kids haven't put on their shoes and it's 5 minutes to leave, you need to tell them to put their shoes on.

I think a checklist would work for most of your issues (also ask *him* what needs to be on the checklist so he has ownership and maybe there's stuff he'd like to see that you don't do). The cleaning kitchen checklist would include the dishwasher; nighttime checklist includes type of diaper, etc. That won't help the dangerous objects issue or likely other issues, but don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

he, and likely his whole family, have ADHD Inattentive.

he needs to see a psychiatrist for meds (that will help him pay attention) and get executive functioning therapy (to help him get organized in a way that is effective for his ADHD brain).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

He sounds really immature and out-of-it.

How did he make it this far? You'd think someone like this would have been hit by a car or fallen down a deep hole by now. Perhaps he was very sheltered by his father and mother or housekeeper?

Yeah. I agree with this. There is no way that he doesn’t know how to do this stuff. He is being passive aggressive because he is mad at you about something, OP. Men are huge babies about bringing up problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

Could you image if OP was a men telling his wife these things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just this morning I realized we need a morning checklist. When my husband is helping to get the kids get ready in the morning he waits for me to tell him each and every step (and can't handle too many steps at once) and just stands there or starts chatting in between my requests of what he should be doing next. It irritates both of us. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he needs a list because to me it is obvious that if the kids haven't put on their shoes and it's 5 minutes to leave, you need to tell them to put their shoes on.

I think a checklist would work for most of your issues (also ask *him* what needs to be on the checklist so he has ownership and maybe there's stuff he'd like to see that you don't do). The cleaning kitchen checklist would include the dishwasher; nighttime checklist includes type of diaper, etc. That won't help the dangerous objects issue or likely other issues, but don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

He has no planning skills. No foresight.

But real question is, is this only at home or when you are around? Then he is lazy, misogynistic.

But if he is always like this? Lazy, misogynistic, stupid, A-hole, ADD.

I would look hard at his siblings and father if they were the same. And the mother but if she had ADD she likely was active in managing it with meds or systems. Men like to deny they have it and then slip in to anger, depression, anxiety, narcissism.