nag vs not doing things right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

+1 - it’s a absurd that a wife should be greatful for a husband to do a portion of the domestic work. I’m a DW - I’m going to start trying “helping” with 20% of the house and kid chores in a somewhat mediocre way and wait for people to sing my praises for being willing to do anything at all

You people are so over the top. You're adding the gendering to this conversation and distracting OP from useful suggestions.

I have totally useless people at my place of business. I don't have the ability to fire them, so I find something, ANYTHING, they can do to move us forward. It doesn't matter if they're a man or a woman...everyone can do something. OP has to find things her husband can do to her satisfaction or divorce him. Those are the options. She can't wait around for men and women to become equals in the household.

Yeah, but would you make one of those goofs your LIFE PARTNER and buy a house with them, raise children with them, be able to depend on them when it counts? No, no no.

Get to counseling fast OP, then ADHD diagnosis, then work on that for 2 years. If that can't fix it YOU need to decide if 20-50 years of ADHD ManChild is worth your pain and suffering.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a solid hand in a multitude of other tasks like looking after car repair and maintenance, house repairs, yard work, taking out the garbage, financial planning, bill paying etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does a lot, just not very well so start with a compliment with thoughts on how to improve that will help make it easier for him.

I think the first step is to stop the infantilising grown men. He’s not a toddler. You don’t need to praise him and validate the halfassed tasks.

Start by treating him like an adult. Be respectful. Sometime not in the moment, but when you can sit down and talk, say: “This isn’t working. Let’s figure out how we can divide up tasks better.” Structure it so he has to deal with the inconvenience of his mistakes. He cooks dinner/makes lunches the day after he cleans the kitchen. He changes the 2am blowout if he’s sloppy with the bedtime diaper. And as for leaving things out everywhere? I don’t nag but my DH knows that anything dangerous will end up on his office chair or if I’m really upset on his pillow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

God these are such minor things. You need to chill out. Believe it or not everything will be fine and workout. It sounds like you attack him instead of taking a team approach. He is not your slave. Stop following behind him and let him figure stuff out.

[Anonymous]

My husband still does not brush his teeth in the AM. Maybe after his 3 coffees and some food and 3 trips to hang out in the toilet.

I thank his mother and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

God these are such minor things. You need to chill out. Believe it or not everything will be fine and workout. It sounds like you attack him instead of taking a team approach. He is not your slave. Stop following behind him and let him figure stuff out.

I had a husband like this - we divorced 7 years after kids. He did not pay attention to anything - kids' teeth, box cutters out, garbage out, grass too tall, kids' shoes did not fit, what to do for meals. He was like having another dependent in the house while we both worked, made same income. Then, in one week of visiting his parents with both young kids they went to the hospital twice. Once for grandpa backing over the 5 yo with his minivan when re-parking - broken foot bone as it was tire over foot, and then 2 days later for a heavy outside door slamming shut on the 2 yos fingers right infront of XHD chatting with his parents and friends. Permanent nerve damage in right hand.

After that, he didn't get a word in on custody whatsoever. Though, he did try for 50/50 it was clear to all that he did not know how to do many adult things and in particular, care for a child or run a schedule well. This also negatively affected his court-ordered clauses on taking the children on vacations. He can not handle it and safety is #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

God these are such minor things. You need to chill out. Believe it or not everything will be fine and workout. It sounds like you attack him instead of taking a team approach. He is not your slave. Stop following behind him and let him figure stuff out.

They are not minor. They have a significant negative impact on both day to day life, and the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Know what the WORST comment was during the divorce - when his mother said, "You were supposed to take care of him, and now this!"

Like she handed off an complete idiot to me and thought I'd take it like she did. Blech.

He needs a very simple life, without a spouse, kids, house. Like when I met him, boy was I fooled good. But boy did he the wall without a simple life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband still does not brush his teeth in the AM. Maybe after his 3 coffees and some food and 3 trips to hang out in the toilet.

I thank his mother and father.

Ugh! In my 20s I had a bf who never brushed. His teeth eventually started rotting and falling out.

[Anonymous]

OP here - checklists are an interesting idea, he’d be annoyed with being told what to do but whatever, I’m annoyed I have to tell you so we will call it even.

He was the only child / little prince of two very doting parents and in particular his dad interestingly did everything for him, picking up after him etc and he never had anyone keeping him in line about being respectful of the people you live with / your living space.

I try some of the natural consequences approach but he travels a lot for work so often I’m the only one home to deal with the problems he created.

[Anonymous]

My MIL house has lists by every door frame, mirror, and light switch for ADHD FIL and BIL.

Hope that works OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

God these are such minor things. You need to chill out. Believe it or not everything will be fine and workout. It sounds like you attack him instead of taking a team approach. He is not your slave. Stop following behind him and let him figure stuff out.

They are not minor. They have a significant negative impact on both day to day life, and the relationship.

No these are minor thing. OP is a control freak. You can miss brushing teeth once in a while, daytime diaper...really? If the daytime diapers can not contain the kids urine at nigh it can not do it during the day either. Tell your dog walk to call your husband about the leash. If someone else does all the dishes and puts them in the dishwasher I can push the button and start the thing. I do not know what you are talking about with either the dangerous things.

All you do no service to the OP. These thing are minor, but hey go get a divorce and do everything by yourself forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

God these are such minor things. You need to chill out. Believe it or not everything will be fine and workout. It sounds like you attack him instead of taking a team approach. He is not your slave. Stop following behind him and let him figure stuff out.

They are not minor. They have a significant negative impact on both day to day life, and the relationship.

No these are minor thing. OP is a control freak. You can miss brushing teeth once in a while, daytime diaper...really? If the daytime diapers can not contain the kids urine at nigh it can not do it during the day either. Tell your dog walk to call your husband about the leash. If someone else does all the dishes and puts them in the dishwasher I can push the button and start the thing. I do not know what you are talking about with either the dangerous things.

All you do no service to the OP. These thing are minor, but hey go get a divorce and do everything by yourself forever.

Yeah. These are kind of minor things. Just buy one kind of diapers. Any child still in diapers can miss 1/2 the nights of teeth brushing. It’s ok. Give the dog away. If issues with the dog have you thinking of divorce, then you don’t need it. Teach your kids about sharp objects. Buy some band aids.
Just be nice to your husband. It’s important for your kids, boys or girls, to grow up with a dad.

[Anonymous]

That's the rub: When cutting out inept spouse is better than letting him/her dabble around making messes and being clueless.

Seriously, who wants a life of constant setbacks, large and small. I mean, some happen, but these constant self-inflicted ones, get out and then let Darwin take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

I would implement Natural Consequences.
Wrong diaper? HE gets up and cleans up the kid
Can't find leash? Dog walker calls/texts him or he has to go home to walk the dog
Dangerous objects out? I pick them up and put them where I can find them (may or may not tell him)
Doesn't start dishwasher? HE hand washes in the AM.

A week of this and he WILL remember