nag vs not doing things right

[Anonymous]

My husband hates it when I direct or question the way he's doing things, but if I don't he leaves a path of half assed work I have to clean up behind. E.g.

- Forgets to brush kids teeth before bed
- Uses daytime diaper at night (instead of nighttime diaper) which doesn't work for DS who wakes up at 2AM soaking wet
- Leaves the dogs leash and collar in very random places the dog walker can't find it, she then calls me for help while I'm at work
- Doesn't start the dishwasher before bed when he's the one cleaning the kitchen so we don't have clean things to pack up in the morning
- Leaves out dangerous objectives all over the place

etc etc etc

I'm not perfect but in general I do not leave this path of things that behind me that create a lot of work for other people. And these aren't things like having a preference for how the dishwasher should be loaded - it actually matters if the kids teeth aren't brushed 50% of the nights and the baby is waking up in the middle of the night soaked in urine.

I hate hate hate nagging him about it, I'd rather him just do things fully without me having to think through them also. He acts like a bratty teenager when I do give him reminders for key things. Any ideas of how to address / improve this?

[Anonymous]

DH here - I would hate it too if I was constantly nagged AND I knew I did something wrong. That's double trouble there. First off, you have to stop with the nagging and have a sit down with your husband. If he's disorganized and has a cluttered mind (lots on his mind, etc), then he will continue to forget things or misplace things. Lots of your challenges seem easily fixable - I recommend just sitting down with him rather than leave him little reminders. Or, just do them yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here - I would hate it too if I was constantly nagged AND I knew I did something wrong. That's double trouble there. First off, you have to stop with the nagging and have a sit down with your husband. If he's disorganized and has a cluttered mind (lots on his mind, etc), then he will continue to forget things or misplace things. Lots of your challenges seem easily fixable - I recommend just sitting down with him rather than leave him little reminders. Or, just do them yourself.

Sitting down with him and what exactly? Ask him not to leave box cutters on the end table and every other detail of things? Doing everything myself isn’t feasible, I already do a lot of it but the solution to being careless about things can’t possibly be don’t worrry honey your wife will do literally everything for the kids and domestic chores

[Anonymous]

Night time or morning check lists? Would save verbal reminders for somethings at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here - I would hate it too if I was constantly nagged AND I knew I did something wrong. That's double trouble there. First off, you have to stop with the nagging and have a sit down with your husband. If he's disorganized and has a cluttered mind (lots on his mind, etc), then he will continue to forget things or misplace things. Lots of your challenges seem easily fixable - I recommend just sitting down with him rather than leave him little reminders. Or, just do them yourself.

Sitting down with him and what exactly? Ask him not to leave box cutters on the end table and every other detail of things? Doing everything myself isn’t feasible, I already do a lot of it but the solution to being careless about things can’t possibly be don’t worrry honey your wife will do literally everything for the kids and domestic chores

Well, he's either completely distracted or oblivious or just doesn't care. For the first 2, I think they are fixable. Heck, maybe make a big deal about it one day so that he remembers. If he doesn't care, then you have a much bigger problem in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

[Anonymous]

When you sit down to discuss things, be open to hearing what he would like you to be doing differently or more of. Go over that first, before you bring up your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Just this morning I realized we need a morning checklist. When my husband is helping to get the kids get ready in the morning he waits for me to tell him each and every step (and can't handle too many steps at once) and just stands there or starts chatting in between my requests of what he should be doing next. It irritates both of us. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he needs a list because to me it is obvious that if the kids haven't put on their shoes and it's 5 minutes to leave, you need to tell them to put their shoes on.

I think a checklist would work for most of your issues (also ask *him* what needs to be on the checklist so he has ownership and maybe there's stuff he'd like to see that you don't do). The cleaning kitchen checklist would include the dishwasher; nighttime checklist includes type of diaper, etc. That won't help the dangerous objects issue or likely other issues, but don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just this morning I realized we need a morning checklist. When my husband is helping to get the kids get ready in the morning he waits for me to tell him each and every step (and can't handle too many steps at once) and just stands there or starts chatting in between my requests of what he should be doing next. It irritates both of us. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he needs a list because to me it is obvious that if the kids haven't put on their shoes and it's 5 minutes to leave, you need to tell them to put their shoes on.

I think a checklist would work for most of your issues (also ask *him* what needs to be on the checklist so he has ownership and maybe there's stuff he'd like to see that you don't do). The cleaning kitchen checklist would include the dishwasher; nighttime checklist includes type of diaper, etc. That won't help the dangerous objects issue or likely other issues, but don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Yeah, checklist will work. And make it easy on him - scrap the nighttime diaper/day diaper stuff. Or, get only night diapers...period.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do this for everything, but you can enforce some consequences for him:

He puts on a day diaper at night: he has to wake up to change it

Forgets dog leash: give the walker his number so she can pester him instead. Is your yard fenced in? Walker can just let the dog out in the yard to use the bathroom.

Let him pack lunches in the morning so he can see what a pain it is without clean dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

Save your semantics for someone else.

[Anonymous]

I would have a leash put in a specific spot for the dog walker (like a hide a key).

My sister is in her mid 50s and can never find her car keys. She doesn’t acknowledge her adhd like qualities, so doesn’t see an issue. She just keeps repeating the song and dance of not being able to find her keys several times a week. As an adult, I hung a hook by my door specifically for my keys and trained myself to obsessively put them there every time I come home. I still have lots of bad habits that are in part b/c of my adhd, but i’m motivated go work on it.

Organizational strategies might help him, like a reminder on his phone to start the dishwasher or a big sticky note. Leave a night diaper with your kid’s pj by the changing table.

The only thing really worth bringing up to him is leaving objects out that might actually be dangerous—like scissors etc. you could say something like, “are you done with the box cutter.”

The other option is you take these items if he leaves them out, put them where he can’t find them and if he asks where the machete is, respond, “hmmm, where were you last using it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

+1 - it’s a absurd that a wife should be greatful for a husband to do a portion of the domestic work. I’m a DW - I’m going to start trying “helping” with 20% of the house and kid chores in a somewhat mediocre way and wait for people to sing my praises for being willing to do anything at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading that he has a hand in walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed. ...that sounds like quite a bit, even if it's not done to your standards. So, it isn't as though he's not willing to help out domestically; I think you just need to specialize a bit more to help him find his niches.

"Help out domestically"? It's his house, his kids, his dog, and his box cutter, too. And, it's clear from the post that OP works, so it's not as if they have decided he will work and she will handle the homefront. I know there are husbands who won't even "help out", but until we stop thinking of husbands "helping" wives with domestic duties, we have no hope of achieving true equality.

+1 - it’s a absurd that a wife should be greatful for a husband to do a portion of the domestic work. I’m a DW - I’m going to start trying “helping” with 20% of the house and kid chores in a somewhat mediocre way and wait for people to sing my praises for being willing to do anything at all

You people are so over the top. You're adding the gendering to this conversation and distracting OP from useful suggestions.

I have totally useless people at my place of business. I don't have the ability to fire them, so I find something, ANYTHING, they can do to move us forward. It doesn't matter if they're a man or a woman...everyone can do something. OP has to find things her husband can do to her satisfaction or divorce him. Those are the options. She can't wait around for men and women to become equals in the household.