nag vs not doing things right

[Anonymous]

You 2 clearly have different ideas of what "completing a task' means.
he appears to do the bare minimum to just check it off.
You prefer it be done a certain way to not result in XYZ.

Thing is, he sees NO XYZ. You do.
You need to make this clear to him that he is making MORE work for you by 'helping' out.
I would tackle ONE thing at a time. If your hill to die on is the diapers i would start there.

Larlo, when you put the day diapers on Larl he wets the bed and needs changing in the middle of hte night waking him and I.
Would you like me to call you when that happens (assuming he is not home to take care of it). It is important that he has the nighttime ones so he doesn't get a rash and we all get some needed sleep. What can i do to help you remember he needs the nighttime one?

And go from there.

[Anonymous]

Why is teeth brushing at night a big deal? If they miss it 50% of the time, it's NBD. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Babies sleeping in urine half the night because daddy can't remember what diaper to do at bedtime? NBD!!

time for some tv..

[Anonymous]

OP, this is so clearly Attention Deficit Disorder you should start reading up on that, otherwise the anger, lying and depression stage will set in for both you in a couple years. Read ADHD Marriage book, then have him read it after a big argument.

[Anonymous]

The problem is not the box cutters. The problem is the growing emotional distance between two people. I don't how you solve that, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the box cutters. The problem is the growing emotional distance between two people. I don't how you solve that, frankly.

Agree, he could be acting out via doing things half-assed, instead of talking about what he is actually angry or upset about. Passive aggressive-style.

You could explore that avenue OP.

Alternatively, half-assed might be all he has to offer. Explore why that is and if it is ADHD there are some ways to manage that and improve one's abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is so clearly Attention Deficit Disorder you should start reading up on that, otherwise the anger, lying and depression stage will set in for both you in a couple years. Read ADHD Marriage book, then have him read it after a big argument.

Is it possible to have ADHD and be able to perform very successfully at work? He's very organized on the work front (partially out of anxiety of failure) and very disorganized / careless on all other responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is so clearly Attention Deficit Disorder you should start reading up on that, otherwise the anger, lying and depression stage will set in for both you in a couple years. Read ADHD Marriage book, then have him read it after a big argument.

Is it possible to have ADHD and be able to perform very successfully at work? He's very organized on the work front (partially out of anxiety of failure) and very disorganized / careless on all other responsibilities

This is my DH. He probably has ADHD, was coddled by MIL and it has been a source of contention in our marriage since having kids. Lots of conversations and arguments, but we're getting to a more equitable distribution of responsibility. My take is that if he's able to function like a responsible adult at work and manage a successful career, or if he can remember to manage his countless fantasy football teams, or other things that are important to him, he needs to make being a reliable partner equally, if not more important to him. And this is not only important for our marriage, but important for how we model marriage for our children. We have a boy and a girl. I want them to see that mommy isn't the one who does everything while daddy is the 'fun' parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do this for everything, but you can enforce some consequences for him:

He puts on a day diaper at night: he has to wake up to change it

Forgets dog leash: give the walker his number so she can pester him instead. Is your yard fenced in? Walker can just let the dog out in the yard to use the bathroom.

Let him pack lunches in the morning so he can see what a pain it is without clean dishes.

+100

The only thing I saw on the list that you can’t leave him to the natural consequences is the leaving dangerous objects around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does a lot, just not very well so start with a compliment with thoughts on how to improve that will help make it easier for him.

I think the first step is to stop the infantilising grown men. He’s not a toddler. You don’t need to praise him and validate the halfassed tasks.

Start by treating him like an adult. Be respectful. Sometime not in the moment, but when you can sit down and talk, say: “This isn’t working. Let’s figure out how we can divide up tasks better.” Structure it so he has to deal with the inconvenience of his mistakes. He cooks dinner/makes lunches the day after he cleans the kitchen. He changes the 2am blowout if he’s sloppy with the bedtime diaper. And as for leaving things out everywhere? I don’t nag but my DH knows that anything dangerous will end up on his office chair or if I’m really upset on his pillow.

That just made me laugh picturing the hedge clippers on the pillow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is so clearly Attention Deficit Disorder you should start reading up on that, otherwise the anger, lying and depression stage will set in for both you in a couple years. Read ADHD Marriage book, then have him read it after a big argument.

Is it possible to have ADHD and be able to perform very successfully at work? He's very organized on the work front (partially out of anxiety of failure) and very disorganized / careless on all other responsibilities

Yes, spend all energy and hyper focus at work, let mommy do everything else as nothing is left.

[Anonymous]

No one put a gun to your head to make you say “I do.”

Did you know he was/is a bumbling idiot before you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does a lot, just not very well so start with a compliment with thoughts on how to improve that will help make it easier for him.

I think the first step is to stop the infantilising grown men. He’s not a toddler. You don’t need to praise him and validate the halfassed tasks.

Start by treating him like an adult. Be respectful. Sometime not in the moment, but when you can sit down and talk, say: “This isn’t working. Let’s figure out how we can divide up tasks better.” Structure it so he has to deal with the inconvenience of his mistakes. He cooks dinner/makes lunches the day after he cleans the kitchen. He changes the 2am blowout if he’s sloppy with the bedtime diaper. And as for leaving things out everywhere? I don’t nag but my DH knows that anything dangerous will end up on his office chair or if I’m really upset on his pillow.

That just made me laugh picturing the hedge clippers on the pillow.

NP here. My husband keeps leaving his shoes in the middle of our hallway, and I keep tripping over them. We have a baby - what if I fell while I was carrying him? I've tried explaining this so many ways but he just doesn't get it. So last week I left his shoes on his chair at the dining room table. He was PISSED. But he's been putting his shoes away... for now.