3 year old son constantly hurts little brother

[Anonymous]

You have to punish your toddler for hurting your baby. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I follow Janet Lansbury and I have a 3 yo and a baby. My 3 yo had a brief phase of trying to hurt the baby in various ways (biting was a favorite). I took away her favorite thing for increasing amounts of time. First offense, one day. Second offense, two days, etc. By four days without it and asking a million times every day and getting the same "unruffled" response she finally got it. She no longer hurts the baby.

If you're doing everything else (modeling, 1:1 attention, etc.) than I think you absolutely need to enforce some negative consequence. You need to protect the baby, that's the priority. I'd lose my mind if older DC nearly pushed younger DC down the stairs. That is not a time to worry about your reaction being a source of attention.

Can you please share some more info? This is helpful. My son just turned 3, so he’s young.

And I have lost my mind. I get so upset. It’s really scary and upsetting to see the baby getting so hurt for no reason.

But then, according to the books, but reactions are JUST want DS1 wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I follow Janet Lansbury and I have a 3 yo and a baby. My 3 yo had a brief phase of trying to hurt the baby in various ways (biting was a favorite). I took away her favorite thing for increasing amounts of time. First offense, one day. Second offense, two days, etc. By four days without it and asking a million times every day and getting the same "unruffled" response she finally got it. She no longer hurts the baby.

If you're doing everything else (modeling, 1:1 attention, etc.) than I think you absolutely need to enforce some negative consequence. You need to protect the baby, that's the priority. I'd lose my mind if older DC nearly pushed younger DC down the stairs. That is not a time to worry about your reaction being a source of attention.

Can you please share some more info? This is helpful. My son just turned 3, so he’s young.

And I have lost my mind. I get so upset. It’s really scary and upsetting to see the baby getting so hurt for no reason.

But then, according to the books, but reactions are JUST want DS1 wants.

Stop. First of all, anyone can write a book. It's just someone's opinion. You need to take them with a big grain of salt and add a little bit of common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage good interactions between them? Willl the older guy sing songs or tell stories to the little one? Anything that will help the older one realize he gets good attention from being kind.

You can also talk to him - how does he feel about little brother? Maybe you can stop the little on efr Kim doing his least favorite thing (new walkers might push/fall into nearby brothers, or get into their favorite toys, etc.). You want the older one to think you are on his team too.

We absolutely do this. We talk constantly about being a family and a family loves each other. We build him up a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so frustrated. I know that the aggression is rooted in jealousy. We are doing SO much to combat that. Ample 1:1 attention, emotional connections. We practice Positive Parenting. We do not react when he hurts the brother, because negative attention is attention!

I am exhausted. I cannot leave them alone for a single second. Not only that, but when we are together I have to actively watching. I cannot cook or do laundry or pee or shower unless I have one child with me.

3 year old will push over the 19 month old ANY time he walks by. He just pushed him into the wall. Yesterday he almost pushed him down the stairs. He’ll tackle, squeeze his neck, etc.

We are terrified of him really hurting the baby.

We are doing all we can. Please help.

You are not doing all you can. You are doing nothing. Discipline your kid. There is a lot of ground between what you are doing and beating his ass. Find something acceptable for you and your DH and DO IT. Don't wait until you end up in the ER because he shoved your baby down the stairs.

Are you a parent to two children? I really want to know what you’ve done and how it works.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree you need time outs. My almost 3 year old DD has had bouts of violence towards 1 yr old DS. Immediate time out, length depending on the severity of the incident.

She loves her brother but has a very hard time regulating her emotions and jealousy. But by now she KNOWS she doesn't like time out and she KNOWS she doesn't like it when mommy and daddy are very upset at her for being mean.

To echo some other posters, do you do NOTHING when these incidents happen? I have had a couple occasions where I have kind of freaked out DD because she did something inadvertantly fairly dangerous (like push towards stairs) and I just instinctively slapped her wrist away and grabbed the baby up protectively. Not even intending to punish just like, in fear. And she remembers those and she has kind of internalized the more dangerous things herself and now warns me if DS is edging towards it. Afterwards I'll sit down with her and explain that that was mean, "Don't do that, baby larlo could have been very hurt. Remember last week when you fell and got a big ouchy? Larlo would have gotten an ouchy like that and maybe would have gone to the doctor and we would all be very sad." That kind of thing. You have to explain it to them, they don't understand it on their own.

As we have enforced consequences and had these conversations (over and over and over and over for the last 6 months) she has also gotten more verbal about her own needs and we have respected them. IE sometimes she will say to me, 'Mommy carry baby larlo I am playing right now' to be like, get him out of my hair and I'll do it because she learned to ask nicely.

Good luck OP, but start being upset, kids learn what is acceptable by how people react. So react!

[Anonymous]

OP you might benefit from the Kazdin method. I read a "lite" version of it when my DS2 was born and it helped.

BTW, I follow Janet Lansbury and she's not against consequences. You just have to be calm about it and it's best of they're logical.

Also one more thing: things go so much more smoothly in the house when DS1 is out of the house for at least half day at presschool or camp or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so frustrated. I know that the aggression is rooted in jealousy. We are doing SO much to combat that. Ample 1:1 attention, emotional connections. We practice Positive Parenting. We do not react when he hurts the brother, because negative attention is attention!

I am exhausted. I cannot leave them alone for a single second. Not only that, but when we are together I have to actively watching. I cannot cook or do laundry or pee or shower unless I have one child with me.

3 year old will push over the 19 month old ANY time he walks by. He just pushed him into the wall. Yesterday he almost pushed him down the stairs. He’ll tackle, squeeze his neck, etc.

We are terrified of him really hurting the baby.

We are doing all we can. Please help.

You are not doing all you can. You are doing nothing. Discipline your kid. There is a lot of ground between what you are doing and beating his ass. Find something acceptable for you and your DH and DO IT. Don't wait until you end up in the ER because he shoved your baby down the stairs.

Frankly, I think it's a troll post. Your oldest is squeezing the neck of the younger one and you're terrified but ignoring? Not a chance in hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you might benefit from the Kazdin method. I read a "lite" version of it when my DS2 was born and it helped.

BTW, I follow Janet Lansbury and she's not against consequences. You just have to be calm about it and it's best of they're logical.

Also one more thing: things go so much more smoothly in the house when DS1 is out of the house for at least half day at presschool or camp or whatever.

Thanks. Yes, he did FINE the weeks he was in VBS. And during school he’s better. But now, day after day until school starts...

What consequences do you do?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have kids the same ages. And I love Janet Lansbury so I get it. But I do 100% still use timeout for my older one, especially when she is violent towards her brother. There are times when I think I veer too far into just yelling at her and putting her in timeout, and that's when I really like Janet's stuff. She helps me to remember that my older child is still REALLY little herself. And she doesn't understand what she's doing. She lacks impulse control and can't help it. But, I still don't let her kick her brother in the head.

I try to better about heading it off. There are times when they get along and times when I can tell she is feeling impulsive. I also know that the times they are getting along will most likely end in one of them being too rough. So what do I do: I very rarely leave them unattended where I can't see them. Sometimes I have to stay in arms reach to stop things.

What you need to do: find a way to keep them apart that's safe for both of them. It's hard, exhausting work, especially if you are a SAHM.

I think a time out here or there is probably a good thing. Even if it only acts as a "reset" button on the interactions. I do not think you need to spank, but I will admit that having a three year old really tested my theory on never spanking. They are maddening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree you need time outs. My almost 3 year old DD has had bouts of violence towards 1 yr old DS. Immediate time out, length depending on the severity of the incident.

She loves her brother but has a very hard time regulating her emotions and jealousy. But by now she KNOWS she doesn't like time out and she KNOWS she doesn't like it when mommy and daddy are very upset at her for being mean.

To echo some other posters, do you do NOTHING when these incidents happen? I have had a couple occasions where I have kind of freaked out DD because she did something inadvertantly fairly dangerous (like push towards stairs) and I just instinctively slapped her wrist away and grabbed the baby up protectively. Not even intending to punish just like, in fear. And she remembers those and she has kind of internalized the more dangerous things herself and now warns me if DS is edging towards it. Afterwards I'll sit down with her and explain that that was mean, "Don't do that, baby larlo could have been very hurt. Remember last week when you fell and got a big ouchy? Larlo would have gotten an ouchy like that and maybe would have gone to the doctor and we would all be very sad." That kind of thing. You have to explain it to them, they don't understand it on their own.

As we have enforced consequences and had these conversations (over and over and over and over for the last 6 months) she has also gotten more verbal about her own needs and we have respected them. IE sometimes she will say to me, 'Mommy carry baby larlo I am playing right now' to be like, get him out of my hair and I'll do it because she learned to ask nicely.

Good luck OP, but start being upset, kids learn what is acceptable by how people react. So react!

Thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

We will not spank or hit him. We talk all the time about how “family doesn’t hurt each other”. It doesn’t make sense to hit him and then tell him he cannot hit his brother.

I do react, usually by yelling. I get really upset and cry and beg him to stop hurting brother. He usually starts to cry and reaches for a hug and consolation, and I feel awful. It’s not working.

[Anonymous]

Time out is not giving him attention, it ismaking him sit by himself. The only attention he gets is you telling him to go in time out in the 1st place. Dont engage in conversation each time ( once you have told him the new plan) just tell him to go wherever it is you are doing time outs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you might benefit from the Kazdin method. I read a "lite" version of it when my DS2 was born and it helped.

BTW, I follow Janet Lansbury and she's not against consequences. You just have to be calm about it and it's best of they're logical.

Also one more thing: things go so much more smoothly in the house when DS1 is out of the house for at least half day at presschool or camp or whatever.

Thanks. Yes, he did FINE the weeks he was in VBS. And during school he’s better. But now, day after day until school starts...

What consequences do you do?

I'm 13:58 again.

I use time out as a consequence. Mainly "You don't get to spend time with me and your brother if you are hitting/kicking etc, so you need to go to your room". I also find that when my older one is starting to get "punchy" and I can tell she's going to get rough, I find focusing on just her for a minute helps. Saying "you seem like you are having a hard time" and just pulling her into my lap for a minute helps. I try to do that BEFORE getting upset and angry. She wants to be focused on. The hard part is the 1 year old sees that and then is ON ME LIKE GLUE to try to get the attention as well. It's a tough balance.

Get them out of the house as much as possible. Have a little structure. Our hardest times are when we've spent too long at home with "unstructured" play time. So we need to move locations at a minimum. The park, a walk, even just going to play in the basement helps immensely when they start at each other.

[Anonymous]

I think we all know kids raised by "positive parenting." They are the kids that I won't let me kids play with because they are allowed to do anything they want with no consequences. Yep, I keep my kids FAR away from those kids because they come home with welts and in tears.