3 year old son constantly hurts little brother

[Anonymous]

I am so frustrated. I know that the aggression is rooted in jealousy. We are doing SO much to combat that. Ample 1:1 attention, emotional connections. We practice Positive Parenting. We do not react when he hurts the brother, because negative attention is attention!

I am exhausted. I cannot leave them alone for a single second. Not only that, but when we are together I have to actively watching. I cannot cook or do laundry or pee or shower unless I have one child with me.

3 year old will push over the 19 month old ANY time he walks by. He just pushed him into the wall. Yesterday he almost pushed him down the stairs. He’ll tackle, squeeze his neck, etc.

We are terrified of him really hurting the baby.

We are doing all we can. Please help.

[Anonymous]

Does "positive parenting" mean you don't yell at or hit your kid? Or does it mean you don't punish? I wonder if this philosophy treats any discipline as "negative attention." I feel like the 3 year old should be living in a time out corner at the very least if you think he's going to push his brother down the stairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so frustrated. I know that the aggression is rooted in jealousy. We are doing SO much to combat that. Ample 1:1 attention, emotional connections. We practice Positive Parenting. We do not react when he hurts the brother, because negative attention is attention!

I am exhausted. I cannot leave them alone for a single second. Not only that, but when we are together I have to actively watching. I cannot cook or do laundry or pee or shower unless I have one child with me.

3 year old will push over the 19 month old ANY time he walks by. He just pushed him into the wall. Yesterday he almost pushed him down the stairs. He’ll tackle, squeeze his neck, etc.

We are terrified of him really hurting the baby.

We are doing all we can. Please help.

What do you mean? Like no punishment/consequences? 3 y/o is fully old enough to be reasoned with. We do that without ours whenever he bullies his little sister who is also 1.5. He shows guilt and understand what he did was wrong. By "not giving attention", you're sending the message that his actions are acceptable.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

We try to follow Janet Landsbury and Positive Parenting ideas, which means that do not do time outs. They all seem to stress to DO NOT REACT to the aggressor, because that is negative attention.

We are modeling, piling on positive attention, etc etc. Hes fed and rested. Good diet, and he’s home with me. He’s not bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We try to follow Janet Landsbury and Positive Parenting ideas, which means that do not do time outs. They all seem to stress to DO NOT REACT to the aggressor, because that is negative attention.

We are modeling, piling on positive attention, etc etc. Hes fed and rested. Good diet, and he’s home with me. He’s not bored.

So how do you discipline? Or is all discipline just a form of attention?

[Anonymous]

So, how does your three year old know not to hit his sibling, if you don't say something?

Is your kid in preschool? Surely they say something there.

I really hope this is a troll, because it's insane if true.

[Anonymous]

Why would he stop when you don't react when he does it? He's not doing it to get your attention, he's doing it to express his jealousy and negative feelings. Those feelings are probably not going to fade away if his expressing them just gets him ignored...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We try to follow Janet Landsbury and Positive Parenting ideas, which means that do not do time outs. They all seem to stress to DO NOT REACT to the aggressor, because that is negative attention.

We are modeling, piling on positive attention, etc etc. Hes fed and rested. Good diet, and he’s home with me. He’s not bored.

I say this with love, but what you are doing is not working. The problem isn't that you're not following the philosophy strictly enough, it's that it doesn't work, at least for your son. Look at your OP: you're terrified, you're exhausted, you feel like you're doing all you can. So it's time to switch tactics.

You can still parent positively without hewing to this particular lady's philosophy. Sit your son down and explain to him that you don't hurt people. Teach him the golden rule and empathy. Explain that if he doesn't treat people kindly there will be consequences (time out, losing a privilege, etc.). Follow through and enforce those consequences.

I know you did research and settled on this philosophy for good reasons. I know you feel like it's you failing as a parent and not the philosophy you've chosen failing your child. But you need to be flexible, you need to react to the reality you're facing, you need to teach your older son to interact kindly with other children, and you need to protect the safety of your younger son. Maybe the Positive Parenting thing was the right tool when you had an only child, and you've found its limitations in your household. There's no shame in that. But you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

[Anonymous]

I follow Janet Lansbury and I have a 3 yo and a baby. My 3 yo had a brief phase of trying to hurt the baby in various ways (biting was a favorite). I took away her favorite thing for increasing amounts of time. First offense, one day. Second offense, two days, etc. By four days without it and asking a million times every day and getting the same "unruffled" response she finally got it. She no longer hurts the baby.

If you're doing everything else (modeling, 1:1 attention, etc.) than I think you absolutely need to enforce some negative consequence. You need to protect the baby, that's the priority. I'd lose my mind if older DC nearly pushed younger DC down the stairs. That is not a time to worry about your reaction being a source of attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We try to follow Janet Landsbury and Positive Parenting ideas, which means that do not do time outs. They all seem to stress to DO NOT REACT to the aggressor, because that is negative attention.

We are modeling, piling on positive attention, etc etc. Hes fed and rested. Good diet, and he’s home with me. He’s not bored.

Oh, great. So, when's he's a terror at 13 and running the house, there will be no grounding; when he's 15 and sneaking out there will be no curfew limits but you will be Positive Parenting! Yay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We try to follow Janet Landsbury and Positive Parenting ideas, which means that do not do time outs. They all seem to stress to DO NOT REACT to the aggressor, because that is negative attention.

We are modeling, piling on positive attention, etc etc. Hes fed and rested. Good diet, and he’s home with me. He’s not bored.

I say this with love, but what you are doing is not working. The problem isn't that you're not following the philosophy strictly enough, it's that it doesn't work, at least for your son. Look at your OP: you're terrified, you're exhausted, you feel like you're doing all you can. So it's time to switch tactics.

You can still parent positively without hewing to this particular lady's philosophy. Sit your son down and explain to him that you don't hurt people. Teach him the golden rule and empathy. Explain that if he doesn't treat people kindly there will be consequences (time out, losing a privilege, etc.). Follow through and enforce those consequences.

I know you did research and settled on this philosophy for good reasons. I know you feel like it's you failing as a parent and not the philosophy you've chosen failing your child. But you need to be flexible, you need to react to the reality you're facing, you need to teach your older son to interact kindly with other children, and you need to protect the safety of your younger son. Maybe the Positive Parenting thing was the right tool when you had an only child, and you've found its limitations in your household. There's no shame in that. But you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

OP here and this was really kind, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so frustrated. I know that the aggression is rooted in jealousy. We are doing SO much to combat that. Ample 1:1 attention, emotional connections. We practice Positive Parenting. We do not react when he hurts the brother, because negative attention is attention!

I am exhausted. I cannot leave them alone for a single second. Not only that, but when we are together I have to actively watching. I cannot cook or do laundry or pee or shower unless I have one child with me.

3 year old will push over the 19 month old ANY time he walks by. He just pushed him into the wall. Yesterday he almost pushed him down the stairs. He’ll tackle, squeeze his neck, etc.

We are terrified of him really hurting the baby.

We are doing all we can. Please help.

You are not doing all you can. You are doing nothing. Discipline your kid. There is a lot of ground between what you are doing and beating his ass. Find something acceptable for you and your DH and DO IT. Don't wait until you end up in the ER because he shoved your baby down the stairs.

[Anonymous]

You should not be "ignoring" behavior that hurts other people, regardless of your parenting philosophy.
You need to sit him down and tell him from now on there will be a consequence every time he hits or hurts his sibling. Then enforce it every single time.
Personally I would find a time out spot and make him go there for 3 minutes, then he needs to say sorry to his sibling. if he refuses to say sorry do another 3 minutes and keep going until he says sorry.

[Anonymous]

Can you encourage good interactions between them? Willl the older guy sing songs or tell stories to the little one? Anything that will help the older one realize he gets good attention from being kind.

You can also talk to him - how does he feel about little brother? Maybe you can stop the little on efr Kim doing his least favorite thing (new walkers might push/fall into nearby brothers, or get into their favorite toys, etc.). You want the older one to think you are on his team too.

[Anonymous]

This sort of offense is what led us to try the calm, judicious, old fashioned spanking. Same ages as your kids. And it worked.