When friends’ views on money/life diverge . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP had this same situation come up in my friend group. One friend went down the non profit road, rest of us stayed in biglaw or in house. Those of us in biglaw and in house aren't doing anything over the top - we're not jetting off to Monaco like you say. But compared to the friend making non profit money, even our "regular" things are a lot -- even though we don't discuss specifics. After a while we noticed that friend started to act a lot like yours -- almost acting insecure about her choice to go into a job making 100k or less and then going on about how it was so important to serve the world (the implication being, that we were lesser humans for taking care of ourselves first).

Reality is no one wants to be backhandedly criticized for the way they live. She wouldn't stand for it if you said -- OMG why can't you just go buy a new suit. Well then you don't have to stand for it when she constantly tells you everything you like is dumb.

Our group is still friends with that friend but it's cooled significantly because no one wants to be judged all the time.

Oh, a group of biglaw assholes! How unique! Hahahaha.

You are being super defensive. You guys brag about your big luxuries, she says she prefers her nonprofit goal, you feel judged and drop her. Well, she is right.

At least we know how you roll. It is OK but you need to own it and not feel insecure.

Think what you want but LOL at a 700k shit shack or going to the Outer Banks being a BIG luxury. I'm not defensive about it. I like OP have the view -- very openly -- that I need to take care of me and my family first. If others want to sacrifice $$ to serve others, God bless them, but it isn't for me right now until I feel totally financially secure. As for judging -- she's the one telling us everything we say or do is dumb; we have never said that to her -- if she wants to serve, that's great, we don't sit there and criticize her.

A 700k home is a huge luxury. You can call it a shitshack but I bet your poor friend wouldn’t.

I grew up poor and went down the biglaw road too. At least I remember my actual shitshack, where water froze in my joint bedroom at night, and we only had a coal stove for heat. It doesn’t mean granite instead of quartz countertops.

I left for a nonprofit. My kids will grow up far more centered for it. I also left DC so there is no such thing as a 700k shitshack.

We can agree to love the Outer Banks, though. There are several campgrounds so it is available to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

We are not the same people. I think those people are like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP had this same situation come up in my friend group. One friend went down the non profit road, rest of us stayed in biglaw or in house. Those of us in biglaw and in house aren't doing anything over the top - we're not jetting off to Monaco like you say. But compared to the friend making non profit money, even our "regular" things are a lot -- even though we don't discuss specifics. After a while we noticed that friend started to act a lot like yours -- almost acting insecure about her choice to go into a job making 100k or less and then going on about how it was so important to serve the world (the implication being, that we were lesser humans for taking care of ourselves first).

Reality is no one wants to be backhandedly criticized for the way they live. She wouldn't stand for it if you said -- OMG why can't you just go buy a new suit. Well then you don't have to stand for it when she constantly tells you everything you like is dumb.

Our group is still friends with that friend but it's cooled significantly because no one wants to be judged all the time.

Oh, a group of biglaw assholes! How unique! Hahahaha.

You are being super defensive. You guys brag about your big luxuries, she says she prefers her nonprofit goal, you feel judged and drop her. Well, she is right.

At least we know how you roll. It is OK but you need to own it and not feel insecure.

Think what you want but LOL at a 700k shit shack or going to the Outer Banks being a BIG luxury. I'm not defensive about it. I like OP have the view -- very openly -- that I need to take care of me and my family first. If others want to sacrifice $$ to serve others, God bless them, but it isn't for me right now until I feel totally financially secure. As for judging -- she's the one telling us everything we say or do is dumb; we have never said that to her -- if she wants to serve, that's great, we don't sit there and criticize her.

The fact that you even wrote out that anything worth 700K would be a shit shack really shows how far removed you are from being nonbiased in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

Well that's kind of my point in my previous post - they are both guilty of the same behavior. Friends talk it out.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been on your friend’s side of this a few times. I’m an MD-PhD that went down the research road, while my med school friends went down the medical practice road choosing some of the lucrative specialties. It was all fine in our 20s and most of our 30s because 1-2 bedroom apartments are all largely similar. Like you the cracks in the friendships started appearing in our 40s. I still consider them my friends, but the friendships aren’t what they used to be, which I think is what’s likely happening to you too.

It’s not that they meant to be insulting, but after a few too many comments get made about – wow you really need to take a vacation, when was the last time you went away (because they shrug off “cheaper” vacations like hiking); or have you checked out the new Mercedes whatever model; or kids SHOULD go to private school; or I’d ONLY want to live in x towns, I don’t get why anyone wants to live in y towns (meanwhile I’ve taken out a 30 year mortgage in Y town), it’s hard not to take it personally.

It’s just who they’re around and how they’ve decided they want to live vs. how I’ve decided I want to live and they don’t get why I’d possibly live my way, when I have the same degrees as them and could be living their way. At 40+ it gets old trying to explain and justify yourself so our friendships have become a summer BBQ, a holiday party, and maybe a college football game or two – the types of events where there's a crowd and you have casual conversation for 5 min over beers while engaging in some other event, rather than the kinds of friendships where you have dinner or drinks with someone and chat about life for 2 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

Well that's kind of my point in my previous post - they are both guilty of the same behavior. Friends talk it out.

Right, but how does one talk this out and what kind of resolution do you get (I'm the MD Phd that posted earlier). What's OP supposed to say? I only want to show at Bergdorf and stay at the Ritz, how come you're okay with Marshalls and the Holiday Inn? And what is friend supposed to say -- uh because I've shopped at Marshalls and stayed at the Holiday Inn my whole life and I've turned out okay?

[Anonymous]

You're awful, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem overly focused on this and a little judgy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

Well that's kind of my point in my previous post - they are both guilty of the same behavior. Friends talk it out.

Right, but how does one talk this out and what kind of resolution do you get (I'm the MD Phd that posted earlier). What's OP supposed to say? I only want to show at Bergdorf and stay at the Ritz, how come you're okay with Marshalls and the Holiday Inn? And what is friend supposed to say -- uh because I've shopped at Marshalls and stayed at the Holiday Inn my whole life and I've turned out okay?

PP here - you mean how would I try to start the conversation? If I were in OPs shoes I would do some honest self-reflection first. And then I would in turn be as honest with my friend that I could be:

"We've been friends for a long time. I love you and I value our friendship. Lately though I feel that you've been judging me for the fact that I do like nicer material things - and perhaps I've judged you as well. I'd like to clear the air. I'd like us to remain close but not have this weird tension between us if that's possible. I value you as you are and I'd like for you to do the same. I promise to be more mindful of talking about material things if you promise not to rain on every comment I make."

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

Well that's kind of my point in my previous post - they are both guilty of the same behavior. Friends talk it out.

Right, but how does one talk this out and what kind of resolution do you get (I'm the MD Phd that posted earlier). What's OP supposed to say? I only want to show at Bergdorf and stay at the Ritz, how come you're okay with Marshalls and the Holiday Inn? And what is friend supposed to say -- uh because I've shopped at Marshalls and stayed at the Holiday Inn my whole life and I've turned out okay?

LOL. I'm imagining this conversation . . . .

Agree with you though. When people have fundamentally different monetary goals/desires, there's no way for one party to convince the other that they should be more focused or less focused on earnings, vacations, hotels, clothes or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.