When friends’ views on money/life diverge . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

[Anonymous]

The OP's attitude is why I left the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on your friend’s side of this a few times. I’m an MD-PhD that went down the research road, while my med school friends went down the medical practice road choosing some of the lucrative specialties. It was all fine in our 20s and most of our 30s because 1-2 bedroom apartments are all largely similar. Like you the cracks in the friendships started appearing in our 40s. I still consider them my friends, but the friendships aren’t what they used to be, which I think is what’s likely happening to you too.

It’s not that they meant to be insulting, but after a few too many comments get made about – wow you really need to take a vacation, when was the last time you went away (because they shrug off “cheaper” vacations like hiking); or have you checked out the new Mercedes whatever model; or kids SHOULD go to private school; or I’d ONLY want to live in x towns, I don’t get why anyone wants to live in y towns (meanwhile I’ve taken out a 30 year mortgage in Y town), it’s hard not to take it personally.

It’s just who they’re around and how they’ve decided they want to live vs. how I’ve decided I want to live and they don’t get why I’d possibly live my way, when I have the same degrees as them and could be living their way. At 40+ it gets old trying to explain and justify yourself so our friendships have become a summer BBQ, a holiday party, and maybe a college football game or two – the types of events where there's a crowd and you have casual conversation for 5 min over beers while engaging in some other event, rather than the kinds of friendships where you have dinner or drinks with someone and chat about life for 2 hours.

NP: I agree with the above. I also have a lot of close friends who are wealthier than I am. We talk about politics, books, kids, ideas, hobbies, gossip-not about what we have or don't. It's fine that we have disparate lifestyles, but neither side wants to hear all the details from the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP's attitude is why I left the law.

Right because it's the only profession in the world where people have busted their ass and expect to make $$$. There are no investment bankers or doctors out there like that. Nope. None. They all work for $20k per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

No one is picking on OP for wanting to make money and have nice things.

But in the same post she goes on to diss her friend "at 40...who the hell wants to live in a crummy ass Harlem building..."

That's not cool or being a friend.

I imagine she's reacting like that because her friend is taking the tone of -- what kind of idiot would spend $300 on a coat or a hotel room.

Well that's kind of my point in my previous post - they are both guilty of the same behavior. Friends talk it out.

Right, but how does one talk this out and what kind of resolution do you get (I'm the MD Phd that posted earlier). What's OP supposed to say? I only want to show at Bergdorf and stay at the Ritz, how come you're okay with Marshalls and the Holiday Inn? And what is friend supposed to say -- uh because I've shopped at Marshalls and stayed at the Holiday Inn my whole life and I've turned out okay?

PP here - you mean how would I try to start the conversation? If I were in OPs shoes I would do some honest self-reflection first. And then I would in turn be as honest with my friend that I could be:

"We've been friends for a long time. I love you and I value our friendship. Lately though I feel that you've been judging me for the fact that I do like nicer material things - and perhaps I've judged you as well. I'd like to clear the air. I'd like us to remain close but not have this weird tension between us if that's possible. I value you as you are and I'd like for you to do the same. I promise to be more mindful of talking about material things if you promise not to rain on every comment I make."

Just a thought.

Here is an idea. If you said you bought something at Bergdorf’s, I would joke about my Sam’s club coups. But I would say, “that is so pretty! It flatters your (whatever, eyes, shape, etc.).” Then I would make a joke about my capris from Walmart. If you feel that judges you, don’t know what to say. I usually feel stylish people think I dress like a homeless person. That is just me. I don’t want to dress any differently.

But I try not to talk about clothes with anyone. Hotels, no. Politics, no. Religion, maybe. Seeing sights, sure. Philosophy, YES! Kids and pets, to fill the gaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been on your friend’s side of this a few times. I’m an MD-PhD that went down the research road, while my med school friends went down the medical practice road choosing some of the lucrative specialties. It was all fine in our 20s and most of our 30s because 1-2 bedroom apartments are all largely similar. Like you the cracks in the friendships started appearing in our 40s. I still consider them my friends, but the friendships aren’t what they used to be, which I think is what’s likely happening to you too.

It’s not that they meant to be insulting, but after a few too many comments get made about – wow you really need to take a vacation, when was the last time you went away (because they shrug off “cheaper” vacations like hiking); or have you checked out the new Mercedes whatever model; or kids SHOULD go to private school; or I’d ONLY want to live in x towns, I don’t get why anyone wants to live in y towns (meanwhile I’ve taken out a 30 year mortgage in Y town), it’s hard not to take it personally.

It’s just who they’re around and how they’ve decided they want to live vs. how I’ve decided I want to live and they don’t get why I’d possibly live my way, when I have the same degrees as them and could be living their way. At 40+ it gets old trying to explain and justify yourself so our friendships have become a summer BBQ, a holiday party, and maybe a college football game or two – the types of events where there's a crowd and you have casual conversation for 5 min over beers while engaging in some other event, rather than the kinds of friendships where you have dinner or drinks with someone and chat about life for 2 hours.

NP: I agree with the above. I also have a lot of close friends who are wealthier than I am. We talk about politics, books, kids, ideas, hobbies, gossip-not about what we have or don't. It's fine that we have disparate lifestyles, but neither side wants to hear all the details from the other.

Similar to both of you. Though in my group, politics gets hairy and not even right now because of the divisiveness. Politics just tends to come back to $$$ as the wealthier friends will start balking about how such-and-such will cost THEM tax dollars to benefit others. Agree with the rest though -- books; TV; sports; ideas; kids; hobbies; families; hometowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

Good grief man. The post is really not about whether you should value material things over time or whatever else. It's simply someone trying to remain friends with a long time friend that's now moving in different socio-economic circles and is struggling to maintain that and feels like there's a disconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

Not for this friend. She works biglaw similar hours for 75k and expects sympathy and kudos for changing the world. But God forbid you say -- uh when we worked that many hours in biglaw, there were bonuses at year end.

[Anonymous]

I love the lawyer who talks about busting his/her ass for $$$ and comparing to a doctor.
No. Just no.
Lawyers are not dr’s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

Not for this friend. She works biglaw similar hours for 75k and expects sympathy and kudos for changing the world. But God forbid you say -- uh when we worked that many hours in biglaw, there were bonuses at year end.

Meant not for one of MY friends -- I'm not the OP. No idea how much OP's friend works or not. But I agree with PPs -- I think this is about money and things and moving in different socioeconomic classes, not about whether one should value money vs. time or family or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at all the holier than thous picking on OP for being honest about noticing and wanting the nicer things, when 99% of them are always on this board lamenting how you can barely get by and scrape into the middle class at 350k.

Bullsh*t.

The OP talks about wanting a "luxury car" and 5 stars hotels. That's not wanting nice things, that's being ridiculous.

I left Biglaw -- the law entirely, actually -- with over $5 million precisely because I hated that attitude. I'm so much happier surrounding myself with real people.

Wait -- luxury cars and 5 star hotels AREN'T the nicer things, they're ridiculous? Then what are the "nicer things"??

Time.

Give me a break. You know this is about things people can buy with money -- sure family, time, etc. are the MOST important things in life, but can't be purchased. To me the "nicer things" in life are the monetary stability that come with retirement, college savings etc. But I assume OP has taken care of those things sufficiently and thus is now focused on the material nicer things like cars and vacations. Nothing wrong with that, she has worked hard to get there. OP -- maybe share it with your like minded biglaw types of friends, not the non profit types who are more about causes than money.

PP here. LMAO. Sorry but gimme a break. Are we now going to talk about the existential issues and how love is the most valuable. *giggles* cmon man.

Huh? You're the one who brought up "time." I'm saying this thread is about THINGS you can buy with money and the nicer of those things is vacations, hotels, cars etc.

Sorry damn non-edit. I meant DP here. I'm with you.

The thing is, for people who could work in biglaw, choosing a nonprofit is purchasing time. Did none of you learn about opportunity cost in law school?

Not for this friend. She works biglaw similar hours for 75k and expects sympathy and kudos for changing the world. But God forbid you say -- uh when we worked that many hours in biglaw, there were bonuses at year end.

Well if that's your response out loud than you're just being rude petty and diminishing the real fact that she's is sacrificing money to work for a nonprofit. You could just empathize about working long hours and leave it at that.