When friends’ views on money/life diverge . . . .

[Anonymous]

She grew up in Harlem likely seeing all kinds of people around her living in all kinds of true paycheck to paycheck struggling to get by situations (even if her family wasn’t like that). She now works at a non profit likely working with clients who are truly struggling. Chances are she already feels a bit “guilty” whether she recognizes it or not, for having made 3-4 years of big law money and having a steady 75k job with benefits, a retirement account, health insurance etc. when she knows not everyone does. So yeah to someone like that a $300 coat or taking a $20 cab when you could take a $3 subway or a 5 star hotel stay is going to sound insane excess, while to someone who hasn’t been raised in and working in those surroundings and is a high paid white collar professional, those things are just the normal trappings of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got together with a friend this week and realized our views on life and money are so different that I don’t know how to say anything in front of her for fear she’ll jump all over me.

Known each other for 13 years. Both from immigrant families. I grew up in NJ, middle/slightly UMC, parents came here from an eastern culture that values stability and wealth. Parents encouraged us kids to go into the $$$ professions like finance, law, med. Not much encouragement required for me bc while we had a nice life growing up, I wanted all the things we didn’t have – luxury cars, vacations etc. Ended up in i-banking for a few yrs and then went to law school, did the big law thing for 9-10 yrs and then 2-3 yrs ago switched over to in house.

Friend – also immigrant parents (different culture). Grew up in Harlem – middle/lower middle class. Both of us ended up in biglaw though it isn’t a colleague situation – friends for 13 yrs, hang out together outside of work all the time, some travel together etc. She stayed in biglaw for ~4 yrs and then went to a non profit.

Got together this week in NYC and it’s amazing to me how much she harped on – money doesn’t matter/is no object (and no there isn’t a DH who is providing or family money). I have no problem with service to others/taking a pay cut for work life balance etc. IF you have taken care of yourself financially first – solid standard of living, investments etc. Yet whenever we talk and when we got together she has a way of “talking down” or saying "no big deal" to anything nice that I mention -- whether a new car (not even luxury) or a 5 star hotel. It’s not like I’m the type who is boasting about jetting off to Monaco or a new Porsche yearly, or even talking about things that I personally have/am buying. I’m just talking a regular nice UMC life where you mention – oh saw that new condo building, it looks cool and she goes – ugh no one needs that, they’re ugly, it’s not worth it, what are you really getting living there as compared to a building built in 1900 with no central AC, AC doesn't matter etc.

She harped on how money is NBD and she left biglaw making like 250k (some yrs ago) and her non profit job pays like ~75k and it's perfectly fine. I bit my tongue while thinking – yeah but at nearly 40 with higher education, not everyone WANTS to live in Harlem (and I don’t mean one of the new fancy construction buildings in Harlem); or deny themselves cabs/ubers if they don’t feel like walking home; or have to even think twice when they need a few new sweaters or suits or a toaster. All of these are examples that have come up. And yet she has this way of acting like I’m being a brat for having the view of – I’ve worked hard for a lot of years, I want a nice life and I don’t want to be in a position where my winter coat rips and I try to get by in 30 degree temps rather than just going to a store and spending $300 on a new coat.

Ever have this happen? Did the friendship survive?

OP, sorry but you sound like a “friend”
I have (of Indian heritage) whose entire life is based around $$, from career choice, marriage partner, to your use of social media to communcate (and exaggerate) your socio economic status. Your geniune friend does not deserve your “friebdship”. You get the point?

[Anonymous]

You like nice things, nothing wrong with that. She doesn't like nice things despite being in a position where she could afford them. I do think that's weird, though I'm not holier than thou about it -- I worked hard so I could have nice things and I do think it's odd when people don't want that and want to sacrifice their life for a cause.

[Anonymous]

Op, i expect her to be your ex friend soon. You sound like new money and lacking in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you were raised MC/UMC in another state, got the big job in Manhattan and could move there and live wherever and however you wanted.

Keep in mind that she was raised likely lower middle class in Harlem her whole life. Then she suddenly gets this 200k job at 25 and this is likely more money than anyone in her family/social circle has ever seen. Sure she could’ve said – peace, I’m outta here, I’ve had my eye on a new condo downtown for years and now I can afford it so I’m getting the hell out of Spanish harlem. But reality is unless you’ve grown up in such a community (which I have), I don’t think you can appreciate what that does to your family and social ties. If you leave like that to go live your big money life, you are essentially losing all the friends you grew up with because they’ll think you’re too good for them and/or they will feel they have nothing to offer you anymore since you’re too sophisticated for them. And when you see your family/cousins, it’s these constant put downs/refrains of – oh you’re too good for us now; oh you took a cab here – what no subway for you anymore; where did you buy that coat – wow they must’ve been paying you money to burn to drop $500 on a coat. Some of it is the family being jealous, but a LOT of it is the family being really insecure about being left behind, that you’ll find them not good enough/interesting enough to hang with now that you’re rich and you have richy rich associate friends to hang with now.

It’s WAY different if you are from the Bronx/Harlem/wherever and you make $$$ in NYC because your life choices are in your family’s face – than if you get a $$$$ job in say Atlanta. In ATL you can go crazy and buy yourself the nicest of everything and sure your family will notice the 1-2x/yr they visit, but you won’t lose your family and friend circle over it because your lifestyle won’t be in their faces causing daily insecurity.

As someone who's also experienced this, all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

OP here -- somehow I've survived 3+ decades of my life with no ideas. Don't know how I've managed really.

Reality is -- the ideas I have she doesn't care about; I read about and think about business, finance, the markets, interesting small businesses etc. Her ideas -- prison reform, black people being punished more severely, black lives matter, school to prison issues (she isn't black). Frankly I don't care about her ideas as much as she doesn't care about mine. Before this non profit job, she NEVER talked about social justice and now it's what she's into. I think the dr. above is right. The friendship is running its course and sadly may evolve into one where we see each other 4x a year at BBQs and parties, not one where the two of us grab dinner and talk.

So basically, you are a person who does not care about social justice issues who is friends with someone who does. You think she is dumb for not caring about money and prioritizing social justice work. She thinks you are shallow for prioritizing money. As a result, you have conversations that are awkward and both think the other is wasting her potential.

This friendship has run its course. No need to be dramatic. Just stop setting up get togethers. She won’t miss you. You won’t miss her. Everyone wins.

- a social worker who is best friends with a big law attorney

+1

[Anonymous]

Talk about something else op. Your friend is a big girl and can make her own choices. Even if those choices are the wrong ones.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Haven’t read all the responses. Friends drift apart.

I’m a child of Asian immigrants. Also worked in I-banking and now a SAHM. DH earns a 7 figure income. We live in a giant house, have luxury cars and we vacation often. I never talk about money. I have no problems maintaining friendships with friends from different backgrounds. Money is not my priority. People comment on nice things I have sometimes but I rarely mention it.

I’m friends with teachers, military spouses as well as women who are now senior MDs. I can find common ground with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I’m personally turned off by people who value material items and success too much. They seem often unhappy, may be in a rat race and too competitive.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound so shallow.

[Anonymous]

I just turned 40 this year and our income has recently skyrocketed. Most of our friends are earning healthy six figure incomes (200-400). DH will probably break $2m this year. We don’t flaunt it. We cater to our friends’ budgets and let our friends choose the venue. We save a ton. Friendships haven’t changed.

We have a few friends who seem like they are struggling and we offer to pay or just invite them over to our house.

[Anonymous]

OP -- what did you and your friend originally have in common or bond over? Was it just a work relationship or did you actually have a friendship beyond being bunker buddies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

OP here -- somehow I've survived 3+ decades of my life with no ideas. Don't know how I've managed really.

Reality is -- the ideas I have she doesn't care about; I read about and think about business, finance, the markets, interesting small businesses etc. Her ideas -- prison reform, black people being punished more severely, black lives matter, school to prison issues (she isn't black). Frankly I don't care about her ideas as much as she doesn't care about mine. Before this non profit job, she NEVER talked about social justice and now it's what she's into. I think the dr. above is right. The friendship is running its course and sadly may evolve into one where we see each other 4x a year at BBQs and parties, not one where the two of us grab dinner and talk.

You still don't talk about ideas. You are talking about money and about jobs. What is your hobby? Where do you travel? What book have you recently read? Did you run some cool race? Do you have a life outside your work and your paycheck?

I have no doubt that you survived so far. But your life sounds very bland -- so far, I have not seen anything interesting about you other than your job.

+1
There are so many things to talk about- art, books, cultural travel, foods. Yet all you talk is money( finance and businesses is sti money).