Friends seem jealous and not happy for me
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Anonymous
So if you can afford the travel and other perks on your own without his support, what is the big deal? Didn't you travel when you were on your own? If not, then that may be what they are concerned about, that you are changing to try and please the boyfriend. |
Anonymous
| Well, some women super suck. Distance yourself from the haters. |
Anonymous
Perhaps you're not getting that across to your friends - you say you're not talking about it, but I'm sure they see you going on lavish vacations that they know you can't afford. Like I said, it's possible they're just skeptical and concerned based on your past history and don't want to see you taken advantage of. If they are real friends, in time when they meet him and see you two together, they will see it's the real thing. So I think time will tell, OP. My best friend ended up jumping into a new relationship after a really bad breakup - one day she could barely get out of bed sobbing over her ex, and then boom, moving in with the new guy two months in, and married and pregnant in less than 6 months! She was disappointed that I couldn't bring myself to be more excited for her. I told her honestly that I would always support her but that I was worried about her and I wished she would've taken things a little bit more slowly and taken the time to get to know him. I'm glad she didn't accuse me of being jealous (I was single at the time) and understood where I was coming from. |
Anonymous
| What exactly are they saying that would lead you to believe they are jealous? |
Anonymous
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Well, in my experience most wealthy people around here try to act like their wealth (and the lifestyle it buys them) is totally normal and it’s weird that everyone else doesn’t belong to a club/drive a German car/fly first class.
Do NOT say things like “I was totally fine with my Highlander and would have gotten another one, but once I drove the X5, I could tell the difference was really worth it.” Or I have another friend who humble brags how “annoying” it is that when they travel her DH will only agree to stay at the Ritz. |
Anonymous
I get you, OP, as a fellow mid-40s divorced woman. Independence is crucially important for ppl like us. In my case, I didn't meet a man with income but I did come into a lifestyle-changing inheritance recently, a few years after a shitty surprise divorce knocked me down a rung or two on the HHI strata. Certain friends — and they are GOOD friends, like you say — seem uncomfortable with me no longer being the shell-shocked divorcee with cash flow concerns. Like you, I absolutely DON'T flaunt it, and I don't even talk about money because it makes me uncomfortable. But at the same time, I can buy my own Chop't salad when I get together with these few friends but they take some kind of pride in making a show of getting my $8 salad "because you need to save your money." |
Anonymous
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Any time in my entire life that I haven't been "happy for" a friend it's because I saw a bunch of red flags and didn't know how to tactfully address them.
In fact I'm in this situation with my mom right now. She's convinced I am just biased against her boyfriend and mad I'm not "happy for" her. |
Anonymous
| If many friends, including your closest, don’t seem happy for you, I’d take a step back and try to figure out why that is. I doubt the issue is all of them, rather the common denominator seems to be you and this relationship. It could be as simple as your downplaying your new high-flying lifestyle in an effort to spare their jealousy, is making you come across as inauthentic now that you’re in this new relationship. Or it could be that they see red flags in the dude. Either way, if they’re your closest friend, just ask them. |
Anonymous
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I think PPs talking about your friends being cautious / worried on your behalf are spot on. I very well might be...if my friend (and particularly one who had been through a horrific divorce not too long ago) was procalaiming herself "totally in love with" a guy she'd only known for 6 months and already becoming so accostumed to depending on the $$ perks he could provide that she was just assuming everyone is jealous...I'd have some alarm bells going off. Have you brought your friends around this guy? Have you made an effort to introduce them and have them spend time with him, and has he made an effort to get to know them? And here's an important one: if you're being truly brutally honest with yourself, have you "changed"? Are you putting on acts to fit into his world, or are you truly genuinely yourself around him?
TBH at 6 months you're still in a major honeymoon phase of a relationship...everyone is on their best behavior and potential flaws or mismatches are still pretty easily disguised - or brushed off, in cases where you really want it to work so you're overlooking things that you shouldn't. That's what I'd worry about. One of my friends met and began dating a very wealthy guy at one point. He swept her off her feet and it very much seemed like a true Prince Charming situation initially - he whisked her away on awesome trips around the world within the first few months, and was talking about marriage not long thereafter. He showered her with lavish designer gifts. She leaped in, as did (it seemed) he...they had quite the glitzy time and, naturally, she started to envision what her future would look like - beautiful homes, awesome vacations, jewelry and clothes and fancy restaurants. She was never the materialistic type, at all...but she started changing in little ways. Nothing that made me not want to hang out with her or anything, just little comments that - to someone who had known for as long as I had - were so not her. It was surprising how quickly she immersed herself into his world and that lifestyle, and suddenly started caring about things she never had before. Looking back, I know that this stemmed from the fact that she was suddenly hanging out with people who had grown up in a whole different world, and she felt she had to try and change to fit in. And, speaking of that...she began hanging out with his friends and his family a LOT. They took constant precedence - he controlled the plans - there were definite expectations from his (v wealthy) family. I did meet him multiple times, but not near as much as I had her previous boyfriends, and our friends were *not* invited to things she did with him and his friends and their spouses. If she had ended up with him, I don't know that we would have stayed all that close - she was definitely swept up in that world and he dictated how they spent a lot of theme time (and even when she did hang out with us, it was often when he was having "boys' nights" - it was rare that he made the effort to spend time with her friends). As it happened, however...after about a year and a half of this whirlwind fairytale romance, the cracks began to show. He'd already taken her ring shopping...but then suddenly the talk of marriage stopped. He picked stupid fights, and his temper really began to show - he was used to having his way. Other issues arose, and long story short they broke up. She was DEVASTATED, and heartbroken, and is candid about the fact that in addition to missing him she had to mourn the "easy" financial life she'd envisioned for herself. It was really hard. As time went on, she began to reveal other little details that were definite red flags...they hadn't come up initially, and later once they had she hadn't wanted to confront them because she was so sure she had found the one. I don't know if any of this resonates, but I would just be cautious about the fact that at 6 months in you really are still getting to know someone. And if your (good) friends are acting concerned, I'm inclined to think it's because hey worry you're rushing in with rose colored glasses...or have seen little changes in you that make them think you are not yourself around him. For real, I am curious - how much time has he spent with your friends? |
Anonymous
+1. It's hard to know what to do when your friend is gushing over someone and making big future plans, and you've seen/heard things that give you major pause. Your friends know you well, and have your best interests at heart....remember that |
Anonymous
This is what I think too. |
Anonymous
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I also wonder how much you may have "changed" since meeting him.
I had a friend who started dating and then married a guy who was way more wealthy than either of us individually. It wasn't sudden or very obvious but she changed gradually. We just didn't see the world the same way anymore. She wasn't in your face about her new wealth but little comments like, " yeah the plane tickets are only like, 1k" or how she stopped working because she only wants a "normal life" which includes...a lake house and designer presents every birthday without working herself. She also started becoming a major sports fan and would get expensive seats to go to the season's hottest games while before...neither she nor I were interested. We couldn't connect anymore. We faded each other out. I do hope she doesn't go around saying " Jill doesn't see me anymore because she's jealous." |
Anonymous
| Seems like you're humble bragging to me. Same goes for the poster who got the "lifestyle changing inheritance." I absolutely guarantee you the money has changed you. It's not your friends -- it's you. |
Anonymous
| OP here- He has met many of my friends and they all have really liked him. My sister and her husband just spent the weekend with him and I and they both thought he was great. I just talked to my mom and she said my sister was so glad she got to know him . I have spent time with his friends and family as well. |
Anonymous
| Maybe they just don’t like him. |