Friends seem jealous and not happy for me

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids, OP?

It seems unlikely that all of your friends, or most of them, would be jealous that you’re dating a rich man. There is probably more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went through the this 5 years ago when I lost a lot of weight and started running. Some of my friends just can't be happy for me. I have not been boastful but why is it so hard for you to acknowledge a marathon I ran. A true friend would be happy for you. I am realizing that those friends miss me being there fat friend.

I am a runner, and it is also possible you became that annoying person that talks about running 24/7. That’s why I try my hardest to only talk about running to my other runner friends and not constantly post about my runs on FB.

This.

My DH used to own a chain of running stores. I coached some classes and used to help out at the stores. So many Runners always start any conversation with their stats, and have nothing else in their lives. It was super annoying, but I put up with it for business purposes. I refuse to bow to the alter of your race bib.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went through the this 5 years ago when I lost a lot of weight and started running. Some of my friends just can't be happy for me. I have not been boastful but why is it so hard for you to acknowledge a marathon I ran. A true friend would be happy for you. I am realizing that those friends miss me being there fat friend.

I am a runner, and it is also possible you became that annoying person that talks about running 24/7. That’s why I try my hardest to only talk about running to my other runner friends and not constantly post about my runs on FB.

This.

My DH used to own a chain of running stores. I coached some classes and used to help out at the stores. So many Runners always start any conversation with their stats, and have nothing else in their lives. It was super annoying, but I put up with it for business purposes. I refuse to bow to the alter of your race bib.

I'd much rather talk about your race than politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another +1 to assuming that you're either rushing in and getting way too serious way too fast which gives your friends pause, or that they've noticed little changes in you that make them wary. And this is not just limited to a 'newly dating a rich guy' thing - I have been concerned in the past when I noticed this stuff with friends dating new guys, and it had nothing to do with wealth. It seems to me like you're trying to make it about his money, and I think that's unlikely, given that its multiple friends you're getting this feeling from.

I would also take your sister's positive feedback with a grain of salt, especially if a lot of your close friends feel differently. There's a good chance she's just being polite and saying what she knows you want to hear. Please remember that you're unlikely to get honest negative opinions at this point, particularly if you're eagerly pushing for them. It's not easy to tell someone you don't particularly like their new boyfriend (or don't particularly like how they've changed since they started dating him) when they very clearly are in the early idealistic all caught up phase - you risk being phased out, or having your words repeated.

This. Maybe they are jealous, but I'd say it's more likely that they are (1) concerned that you are jumping into a rebound relationship too fast, (2) noticing something about the guy that gives them pause, and/or (3) noticing changes in you that they are attributing to the new relationship that worry them. These are all long-time friends who supported you through a rough time--I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Disagree.
I hate when friends don't seem happy for you. I am always happy when they have good news - esp about money - I would much rather my friends have plenty of money, that way I don't have to worry about them struggling in life, whether it be having enough money to go to the movies with me, enough money for their kids to go to college or enough money for retirement (very important)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet your friends are pretty protective of you after watching you struggle. And they're probably more than a little concerned and skeptical that you're only 6 months in and are already all in and enjoying the "perks" of this guy's money... nothing is free and if you were my friend and jumped in headfirst after a bad divorce, I would worry.

+1

I have noticed that women when they date men with money seem so comfortable using their money very early on in dating.

To others it comes across unpleasantly.

Its one thing to use your husband's money. But to be financially dependent on a boyfriend of 6 months...seems weird and thirsty.

OP here. Nope. I don't use his money. I actually do not let him buy everything for me. I can afford my own lifestyle but I can't afford his. He does pay for me when he wants me to travel with him because he knows I can't afford that type of lifestyle. I usually will slip the waitress my credit card and try to pick up a few meals. He says I am the only woman who has ever done that. His past girlfriends were "sponges" and I will not be one.

He is mid fifties and I am late 40's for what it is worth. I would never be financially dependent on a man I am dating. A man is not a plan!!!!!

A mid-50's man bitching about his ex-gfs being "sponges"... this is a red-flag, OP.

Yup. It's like the man who talk about how all his exes were "crazy" or "jealous" or whatever. The common denominator is you, dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Of course I am not going to ditch them. I have been friends with some of them for over 20 years. I would be really upset to lose their friendship. When I am asked what I am doing over the 4th, I say nothing. I am really going to southern Spain. I have also supported them through a ton of crazy stuff so it isn't all one sided.

This post jumped out at me in particular and makes me wonder if it’s not so much jealousy as feeling like they don’t know you anymore. First, you’ve become a liar. You lie to them about things like travel plans, which at best is alienating and at worst might make them worry about what’s really going on with you that you’re lying about your plans. Further, stuff like traveling to Spain for July 4th might be making them question how much they have in common with you anymore. When I think of July 4th, I think of cookouts and fireworks with friends. It’s not that I couldn't go to Spain instead, it’s that I can do Spain anytime and it’s not particularly my idea of a fun July 4th. If you used to be into similar July 4th celebrations but now have abandoned the fun you used to have with your friends in favor of jet-setting with your boyfriend, they may feel like you just aren’t interested in being with them anymore.

This. You lie to your friends, and you're all into this fun, jet-setting lifestyle that leaves them out. Maybe there's some jealousy, but there might also be some alienation. Like, you've jumped into this new relationship and its perks and you're leaving them behind for this guy and all the fun his money can buy. They might be worried about these changes, or just feel like you're not that into them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always had a lot of great friends and work hard to maintain my friendships. I went through a horrific divorce a few years back and struggled considerably for a couple of years.

I have been dating great guy for 6 months who I am totally in love with. He does have quite a bit of money and I do enjoy quite a few perks because of this. A few people I can tell are truly happy for me but many, even my closest friends, seem really jealous. I do not throw it in their face AT ALL. If anything, I downplay things I do because of the negative vibes I get. I am feeling really bad about this today.

They were supportive when I was on the ground but not so much now that I am really happy.

I guess continue not to share your good news. But please continue with your good news! Maybe make a few new friends as well.

I have also gone through stages where I've had to downplay my successes or accomplishments to insecure or possibly jealous friends. I moved every few years for jobs so it was easier to 'break it off' with odd friends.

keep your head up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Disagree.
I hate when friends don't seem happy for you. I am always happy when they have good news - esp about money - I would much rather my friends have plenty of money, that way I don't have to worry about them struggling in life, whether it be having enough money to go to the movies with me, enough money for their kids to go to college or enough money for retirement (very important)!

Well, her friends don’t have that kind of money. But it’s nice that you judge your friends on that.

[Anonymous]

Why should they be happy for you? This isn't permanent. Op, this isn't even relevant unless he marries you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Disagree.
I hate when friends don't seem happy for you. I am always happy when they have good news - esp about money - I would much rather my friends have plenty of money, that way I don't have to worry about them struggling in life, whether it be having enough money to go to the movies with me, enough money for their kids to go to college or enough money for retirement (very important)!

Well, her friends don’t have that kind of money. But it’s nice that you judge your friends on that.

Oh wait.. repost. You don’t, either (or OP doesn’t). She had money for dinners, but not travel. She likely doesn’t have money for college, or if she does, it means no travel.

The key here is this is not two people building a life from scratch. And like it or or not, the not “from scratch” partner is going to foot the fun bills, but not the “for real “ ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went through the this 5 years ago when I lost a lot of weight and started running. Some of my friends just can't be happy for me. I have not been boastful but why is it so hard for you to acknowledge a marathon I ran. A true friend would be happy for you. I am realizing that those friends miss me being there fat friend.

I am a runner, and it is also possible you became that annoying person that talks about running 24/7. That’s why I try my hardest to only talk about running to my other runner friends and not constantly post about my runs on FB.

This.

My DH used to own a chain of running stores. I coached some classes and used to help out at the stores. So many Runners always start any conversation with their stats, and have nothing else in their lives. It was super annoying, but I put up with it for business purposes. I refuse to bow to the alter of your race bib.

Pp here, you brought up a great point. I guess I need to tone it down. ?

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for the responses. Some are just plain rude but others really resonated with me. I didn't say ALL of my friends. One constantly talks about how he will cheat on me and the other will never ask one question about him or how things are going (this is a very close friend) and no, I don't talk about him all the time. He went to graduation parties with me this weekend and everyone really liked him. He has met my kids and family and so far no red flags. Is the traveling nice? Of course it is. I can't afford that lifestyle but am I supposed to say, "sorry, can't go". We have a great time together. That's all I care about at this point. He does talk about getting married but I wouldn't consider it until my kids are a little older. I don't plan to lie to my friends about anything anymore. That is wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet your friends are pretty protective of you after watching you struggle. And they're probably more than a little concerned and skeptical that you're only 6 months in and are already all in and enjoying the "perks" of this guy's money... nothing is free and if you were my friend and jumped in headfirst after a bad divorce, I would worry.

This was my thought as well. We all have had that one friend or relative who is too trusting and lacks discernment in dating. My mom and a good friend are like that. They're attracted to assholes but will swear that every man is a sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Of course I am not going to ditch them. I have been friends with some of them for over 20 years. I would be really upset to lose their friendship. When I am asked what I am doing over the 4th, I say nothing. I am really going to southern Spain. I have also supported them through a ton of crazy stuff so it isn't all one sided.

NP. Not sure whether someone has mentioned this already, but if not... nobody says (or writes) that they're going to "southern Spain" unless they're trying to impress someone or show off. Nobody. They just say that they're going to Spain. It's like people saying that they're going to "the south of France". Yeah, yeah. I've been there too. Nobody cares. It's France. If people ask, you can give details. But even then, you'd talk about cities or landmarks, not say "southern Spain".

So as much as you say that you're "not trying to rub it in people's faces", you clearly are, even if it's in 'innocent' ways that you're not necessarily aware of because it's all so new to you and you're excited. I'm guessing that this gushing about how lavish your lifestyle has become is coming across in the things you're saying to your friends, whether you're aware of it or not.

If you can tone down the gushing and rubbing it in, then I'd expect your friends to be happy for you. Even if it does sound to me (and likely them) that he's just a rebound guy. But that's okay. They should still be happy that you're happy, even if it's just temporary. And if your friends really aren't happy for you in that case then you do need to get new friends. But just try to be aware of the things you're saying and how you come across.