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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to).  I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much.  And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler.  We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner.  He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can.  He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD.  There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH.  I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language.  Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more.  I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself.  Things take turns getting neglected or just not done.  My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc.  I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it.  Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.[/quote]

Ok so my DH and I met in law school, and we've been out of law school for 25 years now, so he is a partner at in BigLaw.  I was a consultant but it was impossible to work and travel on top of his schedule, so became a SAHM when the kids were little.  We've been married now 20 years and kids are teens.

Like your DH, my DH is pretty messy and over time, in the slob department, we've become the poster couple in the concept of strict liability standard for party A (me) creating moral hazard in party B (him).  I have made peace with that aspect (which was imo a healthy thing to do for both myself, and the marriage).  Anyways, I get it that that is not the purpose of your post, but want to mention it because it's relevant to my suggestion.

Besides having cleaners come, say, once a week to do the hard cleaning, my suggestion is that you get someone in to clean your house multiple times during the week, before you get a nanny.  This is where I made my error.  I got a nanny and found myself working the kitchen and laundry while she played with my kids.  I recall her coming one day and telling me to go to the store for supplies, and I was thinking, "Why am *I* going to the store while she plays with my kids?"  It was because I had hired someone for the wrong position.

So imo the priority is get someone to help you out with the house.  In particular, the never-ending laundry situation.  And if they can watch the kids while you workout or get coffee with a friend, all the better.  If not, then consider having someone watch the kids so you can do those things.

My friend (who has a similar situation as ours; husband travels a lot) has the perfect setup.  She has cleaners once a week.  She has a wonderful grandmotherly type come every weekday and they do the household chores together and my friend gets to workout etc.  The lady does laundry.  The kids are now teens and have to go different places after school, so my friend drives one and the lady drives the other.

(I've tried that situation but you have to get the right fit as they really become like family.  I tried it with someone but while she was amazing, she was sort of dominating, and it didn't work out--I felt like I didn't need another dominating mother in my life! So you have to go at this slowly, try someone out and only increase the days if it's working for you.)

I admit to being a control freak and also was raised without anyone helping out in the home, so the idea of hiring help felt luxurious and also intrusive.  I had to shelve my guilt etc and accept help.  I'm glad that you are considering hiring help, OP.  [/quote]

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