Imminent separation- will I ever feel "normal" again?

[Anonymous]

It takes time. I hated hearing that - I didn't want to wait, I wanted the fasttrack secret to feeling better. But truly, time helps immensely. There are a lot of questions you will have, a lot of realizations you will come to, a lot of feelings you will work through... and with each step, you will feel whole again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you, OP. I am plotting my exit for next month. When I left the lawyer’s office on Wednesday, I threw up in the parking lot, and have been unable to eat since.

Because even if you were married to a tyrant, divorce blows because something you once believed in didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

OP, time even heals bullet wounds. The body learns to wall off the hurt.

But, know that the path to healing is a lot easier if you’re an active participant. Even if you’re not hungry, nourish yourself. Rest when you can. Be kind to yourself. Seek therapy if you can afford it (money and time), or spend time with trusted friends. Lick your wounds and then step out in your own time to take charge of your life again.

It’s not linear. Some days you’re going to feel strong, and some days you’ll want to retreat to bed. And both are okay, as you need them both to heal. You’ll get there.

[Anonymous]

I would say 2 years as well, and I could not be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this. I left an abusive marriage a year ago. I thought I would bounce back quickly, but it has been a long road to recovery. I promised myself I would be kind to myself for 2 more years. I now think it is going to take me 3 years to feel normal again. The ups and down cycle is lengthening out.

(OP here) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I suppose I should be grateful the marriage was not abusive, more simply that he doesn't love me anymore.

A year and still hard? Are you able to eat? I've dropped almost 10lb in 2 weeks. Does appetite come back? I'm 5'8 and now at 120, so not worried yet, but when will I be able to tolerate food again? I feel weak and tired all the time, which doesn't help.

That pp here. I am not taking care of myself. Eating out too much and drinking too much. I go weeks without really being able to eat, but them seem to over-compensate. I am not moving enough and I'm taking in too many calories. I was really physically fit before this all happened, and I know that when I just get back to my even point, I will take off.

In my case, the abuse caused an anxiety disorder, and I haven't been able to eat much for this whole time. I do and I don't. When I can eat, I eat a lot more than I should. It's made some food sensitivities awful. I just never know what I can eat until I can or can't. Every day is different from the last.

Don't worry about when you can eat. You have to focus on moving forward and letting everything roll off you. You can't care about when you can eat. You're focusing on that, and that's creating a situation where you can't eat, because you're now stressed by another thing on top of everything else. Just stop caring about your husband. Stop caring about the food. Stop caring. Just focus on being happy and creating happy space for you. If you have kids, let all the details slide, but focus on the big picture of you being happy. If I don't have time to clean the apartment, I take DD to the park, to the mall and we eat out if I haven't had time to shop. I don't sweat it. Finding a new normal, and a new happy normal, will take a long time.

I watched my mother go through a similar divorce. She was never the same. We talked about that recently, as I'm struggling through my divorce. I couldn't stay. But leaving was also another beast to handle.

And don't focus on not eating. Try eating things you can eat. Focus on getting water down. I get so dehydrated when I get like that. I know it's hard to swallow, but if you forget food for a day or so and just focus on water, that will help. Sometimes you just have to go for the bland foods. Instead of not being able to eat, think of bland foods you could eat and just try them. Pudding. Ice cream. Noodles with butter.

It's going to take longer than you think (hopefully not as long as I now set for me), but just stop caring. Start focusing on how no matter what, you're going to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say 2 years as well, and I could not be happier.

Np Guy : 2 years - I’m afraid it’s a long non linear process. Felt similarly bad for 6 months. But I’m so glad to be out of that relationship. Your freedom is precious and in time you’ll appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

OP it will get better

If it makes you feel better, know that many other women have been through this and come out happier. My DH also no longer loves me, and has told me that, but is staying in it for the kids. I don't love him either. It's a pretty bad situation. I would rather be alone but I dont have the courage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this. I left an abusive marriage a year ago. I thought I would bounce back quickly, but it has been a long road to recovery. I promised myself I would be kind to myself for 2 more years. I now think it is going to take me 3 years to feel normal again. The ups and down cycle is lengthening out.

(OP here) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I suppose I should be grateful the marriage was not abusive, more simply that he doesn't love me anymore.

A year and still hard? Are you able to eat? I've dropped almost 10lb in 2 weeks. Does appetite come back? I'm 5'8 and now at 120, so not worried yet, but when will I be able to tolerate food again? I feel weak and tired all the time, which doesn't help.

That pp here. I am not taking care of myself. Eating out too much and drinking too much. I go weeks without really being able to eat, but them seem to over-compensate. I am not moving enough and I'm taking in too many calories. I was really physically fit before this all happened, and I know that when I just get back to my even point, I will take off.

In my case, the abuse caused an anxiety disorder, and I haven't been able to eat much for this whole time. I do and I don't. When I can eat, I eat a lot more than I should. It's made some food sensitivities awful. I just never know what I can eat until I can or can't. Every day is different from the last.

Don't worry about when you can eat. You have to focus on moving forward and letting everything roll off you. You can't care about when you can eat. You're focusing on that, and that's creating a situation where you can't eat, because you're now stressed by another thing on top of everything else. Just stop caring about your husband. Stop caring about the food. Stop caring. Just focus on being happy and creating happy space for you. If you have kids, let all the details slide, but focus on the big picture of you being happy. If I don't have time to clean the apartment, I take DD to the park, to the mall and we eat out if I haven't had time to shop. I don't sweat it. Finding a new normal, and a new happy normal, will take a long time.

I watched my mother go through a similar divorce. She was never the same. We talked about that recently, as I'm struggling through my divorce. I couldn't stay. But leaving was also another beast to handle.

And don't focus on not eating. Try eating things you can eat. Focus on getting water down. I get so dehydrated when I get like that. I know it's hard to swallow, but if you forget food for a day or so and just focus on water, that will help. Sometimes you just have to go for the bland foods. Instead of not being able to eat, think of bland foods you could eat and just try them. Pudding. Ice cream. Noodles with butter.

It's going to take longer than you think (hopefully not as long as I now set for me), but just stop caring. Start focusing on how no matter what, you're going to be happy.

Are you seeing a therapist, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was EXACTLY. EXACTLY. where you are 2 years ago. My kids and I are thriving. I am so happy without him. If he cheated, read chumplady.com; it helps to know the situation you thought was so unique has happened to millions of others, pretty much word for word. My ex thought the grass is greener and found out it wasn't. I'm so happy to be free of him. I love raising my kids on my own. I've made new friends and had great experiences. Lean on your family if you can. Good luck.

No cheating. He just doesn't love me anymore. I would almost prefer that he cheated so I could feel angry.

I’ll give your a reason to be angry —your dh is an a** who doesn’t understand his marriage vows and is too self centered to do the work required to keep a marriage successful, and is willing to walk away from being a full-time dad. As the other poster said, you are just awaking to the fact that your husband is not the man you thought he was.

Yes!!! I need a reason to be angry, this is good!!

[Anonymous]

It will get better!! After my separation I felt like I couldn't breathe for about a month. I lost weight too. But hang in there and try just to focus on getting through the day. Maybe you could drink a milkshake or something?

You are strong!! You can do this!! He's a selfish asshole!!

[Anonymous]

I felt that way when splitting with my abusive ex. My child was under a year at the time, and I was still nursing. I lost 30lbs in 3 weeks because I couldn’t keep food down and was so stressed out.

It’s been 8.5 years now and life is mostly good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was EXACTLY. EXACTLY. where you are 2 years ago. My kids and I are thriving. I am so happy without him. If he cheated, read chumplady.com; it helps to know the situation you thought was so unique has happened to millions of others, pretty much word for word. My ex thought the grass is greener and found out it wasn't. I'm so happy to be free of him. I love raising my kids on my own. I've made new friends and had great experiences. Lean on your family if you can. Good luck.

No cheating. He just doesn't love me anymore. I would almost prefer that he cheated so I could feel angry.

I’ll give your a reason to be angry —your dh is an a** who doesn’t understand his marriage vows and is too self centered to do the work required to keep a marriage successful, and is willing to walk away from being a full-time dad. As the other poster said, you are just awaking to the fact that your husband is not the man you thought he was.

NP but this is a good post that got me thinking...maybe it's "pathetic" to do this, but if there really isn't any cheating (and I'm skeptical of that, actually. Maybe he just isn't willing to admit it and hasn't been caught) then why shouldn't OP address this part by reminding him of those vows and the FEELINGS he had when he took them. Shouldn't she go all in with this and tell him that she wants to get those feelings back too...that they could work together on this to improve the marriage that was based on a covenant so that neither of them has to lose out on being a full-time parent and they could reclaim the love that they used to feel for each other?? Maybe OP's husband is just at a loss for how to recapture this love for his wife and doesn't know how to "fix" it so he thinks divorce is better than living in this purgatory. (Or maybe he is an ass...but I'm pretty sure he wasn't that way when OP married him or she wouldn't be feeling such sorrow over the split.)

[Anonymous]

It will feel better but it will never go away if you have kids and you have a soul. There will always be a thorn in your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes time. I hated hearing that - I didn't want to wait, I wanted the fasttrack secret to feeling better. But truly, time helps immensely. There are a lot of questions you will have, a lot of realizations you will come to, a lot of feelings you will work through... and with each step, you will feel whole again.

+1 It took me a few weeks to get past the non-functional/crying all the time/not eating part. Life got a lot easier once we actually lived in separate homes, and after that it took about 6 months to start feeling better. Stuff that helped:

-reaching out to friends and family and letting them show up for me
-exercise (I would make myself do 10 pushups every time I wanted to send an angry or sad text to my ex)
-therapy
-moderate amounts of wine/weed/dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it will get better

If it makes you feel better, know that many other women have been through this and come out happier. My DH also no longer loves me, and has told me that, but is staying in it for the kids. I don't love him either. It's a pretty bad situation. I would rather be alone but I dont have the courage.

I'm the (optimistic?) poster ^ above, and your post made me sad for your situation. Sorry for the brief hijack...but I wonder if you've tried treating him as if he honestly were the guy you used to love? And by that I mean being especially thoughtful toward him, doing things for him, putting him first and just treating him like he's the love of your life? This was advice that was given to me when my marriage to DH was in a serious slump (and my initial response was a very resentful "why should I? He doesn't treat me like I'm even visible!") but this very good counselor responded "because marriage isn't 50/50...it's 100/100. And if you're waiting for him to put in his part and meet you 'halfway' before doing yours, it's going to be a standoff that everyone will lose."
So I took a deep breath and committed to myself to do this for a month. A month where sometimes I saw a dramatic response and reciprocation and other days earlier on where I thought "why am I bothering"...before reminding myself that I was doing this for both of us, not just for him to return the treatment. Then I stayed with it. And things seriously got better. He even commented after a few weeks how thoughtful I was being toward him and that he appreciated it. (The underlying tone of course is that I hadn't been before, but I realized he was probably right b/c I was resentful.)
Things aren't perfect. But they are better. And we both treat each other a lot better than before.

If he's staying anyway until the children are grown--and you don't plan to leave, why not make it a more pleasant situation and give it a shot?